"It doesn't exactly happen to him," Roy DeSoto pointed out.
"Yeah," Marco agreed. "It helps that his wife deals with all those celeb types."
"That's what I mean," Chet said. "Stoker is one lucky son-of-a-gun. Landing a wife like that. He gets all the breaks. Why can't I get something like her."
The other three laughed.
Chet looked up wounded.
Johnny turned to him. "Well, you could always take out a want ad."
"Yeah," Roy agreed. "Needed immediately: One female, mid to late twenties, 5'2", waist length brown hair, must have job dealing with actors and athletes..."
"Must love men in uniform," Marco added.
"Short men in uniform if it's for Chet," Johnny put in.
"Very funny, guys." Chet was nodding his head. "Come on you fellas can't tell me you've never wished once you had Stoker's wife for just one day."
"No comment," Roy said quickly and the other three laughed.
"She's not my type," Johnny lied.
"Sure, Gage," Chet observed. "That's why you watch her backside every time she leaves a room."
"Busted," Roy and Marco said together as Johnny turned beet red and took a sudden interest in his coffee.
"Now don't pick on Gage," Chet defended.
Johnny looked at him, puzzled.
"I mean he can't help himself. It's a natural reflex..."
"Like gagging," Marco interrupted.
"What I mean is," Chet continued, "is that Gage here has no self control. He couldn't stop staring at her backside if his life depended on it."
Johnny threw him a look. "Like you can."
"Hey, I don't stare at her backside."
"Yeah," Marco chimed in. "He's too busy staring at her chest."
"Okay. Okay," Chet admitted. "But the rest of you have too."
Johnny became reflective. He leaned back in the chair. "Yep. She has one great set of..." He stopped midsentence suddenly realizing that Mike was standing in the doorway. "Pipes," he finished quickly as Mike moved to the stove glaring all the way. "We were just talking about how much we like to hear Michelle sing."
Mike poured a cup of coffee. "Don't bother. I heard the whole conversation."
"It's nothing to get upset about," Johnny said. When Mike didn't answer he added, "What a grouch. I mean it's not our fault his wife's stacked."
With that something in Mike snapped. He hurled the coffee cup against the back door. The cup smashed on impact, coffee splattered leaving trails of brown driplets on the white paint. Wordlessly, he stalked from the kitchen.
Mike was by the engine mentally counting to ten when Roy approached. "Come on, Mike, don't let the guys get to you."
Mike glared. "And what about you, Mr. 'No comment.? Think Joanne would appreciate knowing that you're checking out my wife."
Roy shrugged. "Hey, I may be married but I'm not dead."
Mike pinned Roy with a hard gaze as Roy foolishly continued. "Look, Mike, if you're going to be married to someone who's built like that you just have to learn to live with it."
Mike snapped. He crossed the short distance between them and shoved Roy sending him against the squad. Roy recovered himself and shoved Mike into the engine. Mike drew back punching Roy. Roy returned the blow. The fight drew the attention of Gage, Chet and Marco who just stood and watched the melee.
Soon Captain Stanley was out of his office asking, "What is going on here?"
"They're fighting, Cap," Chet said like a tattling little brother.
"Thanks, Kelly," the captain said semi-sarcastically. He stepped between Mike and Roy putting his arms out to prevent another assault by either. "Okay, you two," he said firmly but calmly, "break it up."
Roy pointed toward Mike. "He started it."
Captain Stanley nodded. "Fine. I'm ending it." He turned to Desoto. "Roy, you go tend that lip." He waited until Roy had departed then turned to Mike. Mike's breath was coming in short, angry pants. He was clenching and unclenching his fists at his sides. Nobody at the station had ever seen him like this. "My office," he told his engineer. He indicated the direction with his thumb. Stoker heaved an annoyed, heavy sigh but obeyed. "You three wouldn't care to shed any light on this incident."
"Ah, Stoker's just sore cause his wife has big breasts," Gage told him.
************************************************************
"Look, I'm sorry I got into the fight at the station," Mike told his captain when he entered the office.
Captain Stanley sat on his desk and folded his arms.
"But I'm not sorry I hit him," Mike continued.
"I see."
"Do you?" Mike asked. "Do you really?" He huffed indicating he didn't think anyone would understand.
There was a pause.
"Okay, Stoker, enlighten me."
Mike was still two upset for reason. "Do you have any idea what it's like to have the guys you work with lusting after your wife?"
Captain Stanley let out a long breath. "Can't say as I do. But I'm not so sure they're actually 'lusting' after her. They're just making comments. I've heard them."
Mike's eyes darted upward. "And you couldn't say, 'Hey, guys, none of that talk around here please.' at least out of consideration for me?"
"Okay, I admit it must be somewhat uncomfortable for you...."
"Somewhat!"
"Alright, very. But, Mike pal, the guys talk about women. You know that."
"Really, Cap, what if they were talking about Beth."
"I'd be surprised."
Mike sighed. "Wouldn't you at least want them to do it out of your earshot."
"I expect so. But for now they're not. You may have to...."
"Learn to live with it," Mike interrupted. "I know. I know." There was another pause. "You gonna order me to apologize."
"Are you sorry."
"At the moment? Not really." . Mike fidgeted. "Can I go now?"
Captain Stanley nodded. Mike rose. "Oh, Stoker..." Mike turned back. "No more fights. This is a fire station. Not a bar room."
"Yes, sir." Mike left the office. Still nothing resolved.
Mike entered the kitchen as Chet was commenting, "Stoker would have taken him if the cap hadn't shown up."
Noticing Mike Johnny said, "Here's Sugar Ray now."
"Let it go." That was Captain Stanley who had entered a few steps behind Mike. He turned his attention to the three "innocents". "And I'm sure we can all find a different topic of discussion than the one from earlier."
"Thanks, Cap," Mike whispered.
"Hey, guys," Michelle Stoker entered the kitchen. Talk about timing. "I've got the sign-up sheets for the July 4 carnival. I need to know by the end of the month which activity your shift wants to run." She paused noticing that something didn't feel right but shook it off. "Better choose. You know the good ones go..." She was now glancing from man to man. Her eyes came to rest on her husband. "What happened to you?" she asked noticing the start of a black eye.
"I, um, ran into a fire hydrant," Mike stammered.
"Uh, huh," his wife nodded. not believing him. The uneasiness in the room seemed to thicken. Michelle turned to Captain Stanley. Pulling papers from her clipboard she said, "I'll just leave these with you. See you in the morning," she told Mike and with a puzzled look exited the room, Johnny's eyes automatically tracking her posterior. Marco and Chet elbowed him simultaneously.
Just outside the door she ran into Roy. Noticing his swollen lip she asked, "Fire hydrant?"
********************************************************
"Fire hydrant? You actually told Michelle you ran into a fire hydrant?" Tim Stoker shook his head in disbelief, but not just in regards to the ridiculous explanation. "And I still can't believe you hit someone. I mean even as kids you never raised a hand to me... ever."
"You didn't make lewd comments about Michelle." Mike paused as he watched the his brother's expression become reflective. "You didn't did you?"
"Not in front of you," Tim said only half joking.
"What was your first reaction to her?"
"I remember when you first brought her home. Yeah, I was, like 'boing'. I would have had to be blind not to notice. . I remember thinking someone should call the Guinness book. But like you said, it was a reaction." Tim dropped a hand on Mike's shoulder. "But once I got to know her I realized that Michelle has a lot of other things that make her special. Once I got to know her it was the other things that came to the forefront."
"But what about the guys at the station?"
"Locker room talk, plain and simple."
"I guess. But I wish they would at least have the decency to not talk about my wife when I'm around." Mike let out a tired sigh. "Damn, I can't believe I hit someone."
Tim ran his hand up and down Mike's back. "I think you should talk with Michelle about this."
"Tired of listening to me, are you?" Mike teased.
Tim gave Mike a playful whap to the back of the head. "No," he laughed. "But she is the other involved party."
******************************************************
"He really told you he ran into a fire hydrant," Fran shook her head in disbelief but not just in regards to the ridiculous explanation. "I can't believe Mike was in a fight.
"I'm surprised myself. But it's the only thing that makes any sense. Roy had a fat lip and seemed content with the hydrant excuse."
Fran folded her arms. "Must have been something pretty serious for Mike to resort to violence."
"I agree. I just wish I had an answer."
"I have one." Mike and Tim entered the kitchen Tim's arm supportively around his shoulder. "We need to talk," he told Michelle
Fran rose from the chair. "And we need to go." She gave Michelle a hug.
"I'll see you tomorrow," Tim told Mike. He kissed the side of Mike's head and ruffled his hair a little before exiting through the kitchen door with his wife.
There was an uneasy silence then Mike said, "I didn't really run into a fire hydrant."
"No. Really?" Michelle feigned surprise. There was another moment of silence. "Mike, why were you and Roy in a fight?"
"Cause he's not dead."
"What?"
"The guys were talking about your breasts," he blurted. "Something Roy said was just the last straw." His voice quaked. "I don't know I just snapped. I just don't like thinking my friends are gawking at you."
Michelle reacted. "Gawking at me?"
"Yeah, the guys at the station... heck, probably the whole LA County Fire Department."
"You're kidding. Why would you think they're gawking at me?"
Mike held his hands in front of his chest, spreading and slightly curling his fingers to form cups. Michelle burst out laughing.
Mike lowered his hands. "It isn't funny," he sulked.
Michelle stifled the next laugh. "I'm sorry. It's just I can't believe you think..."
"I've seen them. There's not one firefighter who ever looks you in the eye. Then there's Gage. He likes to watch you walk away. He even has a picture of you in his locker..."
Michelle's eyebrow went up. "What picture?"
"The one that was taken of you when you instructed the yoga classes for the department... where you're wearing the leotard."
"What happened to his picture of *Anitra Ford?"
"Still there. Next to yours. He thinks I don't know about it but I do."
Michelle smirked. "Mike, do you know what my colleagues at Cooperative Charities have to say about you?"
Mike looked puzzled.
"They refer to you as that hunk that I was lucky enough to land. My secretary considers you that fireman with the movie star looks."
"Really," Mike was amused. "How do you feel about that?"
"Pretty damn good. I can look at them and say to myself 'yep, he's a hunk with the movie star looks. And he's mine."
"So in your own way you're telling me to learn to live with it."
Michelle shook her head. "I don't know. Maybe. All I know is it's not worth exchanging blows." She reached over and took Mike's hand. "More than likely, they're going to continue to talk... and you can't let it get under your skin."
Mike squeezed her hand. "I know. I think they're acting like adolescents so what do I do? Join in."
"If it makes you feel any better I guess I am a little flattered that you took a punch for me..."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Just don't let it happen again."
Mike leaned back in the chair. "Boy, I'm glad this is all over."
Michelle rose. "Not quite. You still have some unfinished business."
Mike looked puzzled. Michelle reached for the phone and stuck the receiver in his hand. Mike nodded in understanding. He rose and dialed Roy's number.
Mike made a shaky apology to Roy for hitting him. Roy managed to apologize for his insensitive remarks but put his foot in it by adding, "Next time I comment on Michelle's awesome anatomy I'll make sure you're not around."
Mike started to comment but heard JoAnne shout in the background, "You were commenting on Michelle's what?!"
Roy offered a hasty goodbye and he and Mike hung up.
Michelle moved to sit on Mike's lap. "What happened?"
"Well, I have a strange feeling Roy is about to run into another fire hydrant."
*Anitra Ford waa one of the original models on The Price is Right.