Dealers rules of the trade.

• Never ever put your girlfriend/wife as collateral on a poker game. That is unless you have a full house or better
• If married, sex with another woman is cheating, but sex with a female dealer, surprisingly, is not.
• Drinking diet soda in the breakroom does not make you gay. But it does make you look gay.
• The proper welcoming gift for a new dealer: beer. The proper going away gift for a dealer: beer. The proper “im going to rehab” gift for a dealer; light beer.
• When a female dealer is telling an anecdote about her first lesbian encounter on a dead game, no matter how unlikely or incredible it sounds, it should not be interrupted for any reason. (Players included)
• If a male dealer compliments you on your dealing skills, he is accusing you of being gay.
• If a waitress you are boinking refuses to do anal, swallow or perform any other sexual favors, is your duty to stop her from spreading her evil gospel among other waitresses.
• Is ok to like the poker-playing movie Rounders with Matt Damon. Is not ok to like Matt Damon.
• If you are reading this, you are obviously not from Mississippi.
• Falling on a grenade for a dealer friend (i.e., agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up boinking the beast, your dealer friend is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
• The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flights of stairs) ÷ dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at that hot new neighbor chick.
• When stumbling upon the break room and you see other dealers watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
• When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with one of you dealer buddies, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
• Dealers don’t let other dealers throw up on a jukebox. Never. Ever. Issue closed.
• Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a dealer buddy of yours, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
• The morning after you and that female dealer nobody likes had carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was starts
• A dealer friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own—weed whacker, car, firstborn child, playboy collection—with 12 hours’ notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don’t notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free.