Once medical experts perfect replacement arms and legs that are stronger and more reliable than the real ones..... I'm investing in a good chainsaw.

Have you ever had to walk behind someone wearing wet flip-flops? You know that sound that reminds you of a wet, cat fart? I hate that. The only thing that I can think of to do is to find the quickest way to break their feet off at the ankles.... At least, that way, It wouldn't be as loud of a squishing sound when they walked, and it would actually be slightly entertaining to watch.

Technically, Bungee-jumping and sky-diving are suicide practice...

I was once normal, but it's hard to remember what I was thinking when I was that young...

Driving is easy. I don't have the slightest idea why so many women have a problem with it... All you have to do is get into the left, oncoming, lane. Let me tell ya, those motherfuckers are glad to get the hell out of your way and yield the "left" of way! Their MORE than happy to get out of your way. They'll be zipping about left and right taking out little old ladies, dogs, telephone poles and kids on those annoying little scooters (100 pts.) You should try it, it's fun....

Technically; When a man fucks a woman, He is filling a void in her life...

It has come to my attention that "Sesame Street" has really gone to hell in a handbasket. It started with kermit leaving for "Hollywood Squares", and strange guest appearances on the show like "Squirrel Nut Zippers". But it really struck a note one day when I saw Dr. Ruth (the sex psychoanalist who said that masturbation was natural and should be encouraged in children) doing a guest appearance on the show. I like that. I let my daughter watch it every day...

Why is it... that when a dog gets run over by a car they just leave it there,... dead or alive?... But, when a person gets run over... You've got the police and an ambulance their trying to figure out who the squished motherfucker was, and phoning hes house and telling his family this and that. FUCK THAT!... I say, interspecies equality, and zero discrimination. The asshole shouldn't have been playing in the street. Let little Jimmy Treadmarks' family worry about why he isn't home from school yet. He is their responsibility, and not the states, right? They should have taught him to keep his flattened-ass out of the street, and if he couldn't learn that they should have kept him tied up in the front yard, or in a pen or something...

If a person has split-personality disorder, and one personality is married and the other is seein someone else; Is it still considered adultery?...

I like to think that I'm intelligent and sophisticated enough, to not exercise my penis-envy with other parents by putting one of those "I'm the proud parent of..." bumper-stickers on my alleged truck. And at any rate, I'm just not going to put something on my truck that is going to outlive the vehicle itsself...

I don't like the "Mister Rogers" show. After all, when is the last time you saw Dr. Ruth graced his show with her presense?

If a person has split-personality disorder, and one personality is dating the other personality; Could they get married?

A good way to be rid of pyromaniacs; Give them all plenty of gasoline and matches and lock them in a metal building with poor ventilation and nothing to burn. Chances are... that within the hour, you'll hear some really entertaining screams...

Why is "split-personality disorder" such a long word? I mean, isn't a nine syllable, hyphenated, three section word just a tad bit excessive? Seems to me that we could simplify it by calling them "fucking nutz"...

More men have fought and died to resolve their penis-envy... In fact, most wars are started from penis-envy... "When we hear that they have bigger dicks than we do, we bomb them" - George Carlin

"Sea-World" should stop giving out those ugly stickers. I've got about fifteen or twenty of those bitches permanently tattooed on my bumperboats by fat-asses and hot, popcorn and cotton-candy farts already...

A good way to be rid of stupid people; Get them to open the doors of the metal building before the screaming gets too unentertaining. Chances are... you'll see some really impressive shit...

I'll start putting my sick and dying pets "to sleep" when they start putting sick and dying people " to sleep". You always hear someone having to put their dog "down", they make it sound so innocent like they've made the dog become suddenly depressed or shorter. I'll withdraw all my complaints about animal "shelters" the first time I hear someone say; "We had to put grandma 'to sleep', because she was suffering, and we couldn't afford to keep her anymore, but while we were there we had little jimmy newtered!"

Philosophical Question; Would you be considered a murderer for locking the pyromaniacs in the metal building?... or would it be considered a mass suicide, because they lit the fire?

On a subconcious level... Cell-phones, big cars, and flashy rings are all penis extensions. The funny thing about this is, once a woman gets her hooks into you, they all become a dick LEASH, instead of extensions.

Question; When did the term "Rebel" start referring to poor, white, racist, trailor-trash with a Nascar flag and a chip on their shoulder from a war that was fought and lost before their parents were even thought of?...

Why is it... that when people hear voices, they never tell them to do anything constructive. I mean, my voices have NEVER told me to get a job, or bathe, work harder, help someone, or anything like that...

Have you ever heard the expression "Born Free, Die Free"? What a big crock of shit! You were born under the terribly dominating and unrelenting, overbearing control of your parents and the laws of your country, and you die under the terribly dominating and unrelenting, and overbearing hands of Fate and God. The funny thing is that this expression is usually spewed mindlessly from Nascar-flag-waving white-trash, that think that slavery was a pretty neat idea, and like to be referred to as "Rebels"....

A good slang term that has not yet been used for the vagina; "Manhole"

You never know, your neighbors may be plotting against you.

The truth is a very dangerous thing and most people aren't very careful with it because they don't know what it is.

If an "accident" occurs in which the cock is detached from the body, you can be sure that a woman was involved.

You know your in love when you close your eyes during sex and imagine that your having sex with the person your having sex with, only in better light.

Every once in a while you see some stupid shit that just tips you over in either uncontrollable laughter or unparralleled annoyance. Some of these occurances are what make life worth living, like the day I saw a guy in the mall with two broken legs, buying a bicycle tire, or the other day when I saw some crazy fucker moving a full sized living room couch by shoving it in the back of a small two-door, hatch-back ford. I don't know what possesses people to do these things but at least they are good for a laugh. Some of the things people do for no reason, however, are just asking for an ass-beating.