Cracked up Products

1. Black confetti- Something you never see. It comes in handy at occasions like funerals, especially if the person wasn’t popular among his peers.
2. Vehicular sights- Help arm yourself against those pesky pedestrians, act now, numbers are limited and after my five year plan goes into effect it will be difficult to get these. First 100 orders come with laser sights for increased accuracy.
3. Bulletproof windshields- Also new for the five year plan is the new never before in public use, bulletproof windshields. They will give you the added comfort of not having to duck down while barreling down on a firing pedestrian. They were previously used by the secret service to bulletproof cars used by the president and foreign officials and can stand up to repeated small arms fire from even the most desperate pedestrian. Act now, number limited.
4. Speed loaders- This nifty little product will help speed up your reload time by up to 400 percent. This comes in handy when you are cowering behind a tree from an asshole motorist, after expending all six shots, before you realized his window was bulletproof. Dumbass.
5. Bulletproof vests- There is little need for these other than the thought of being taken down by the ricocheting of the bulletproof window of the motorist that you fired on, before he actually mowed you down. Buy one today! Because that would be so fucking stupid that we’d be throwing black confetti at your funeral.
6. Ballpeen hammers- Now with ultra comfort grips. Because you never know when that ex-bitch of yours is going to open her mouth again.
7. Evil beaters- These hefty canes are made in every possible color of the rainbow to repel evil just by the sight of it. They are especially helpful when beating the dark forces of evil embodying the midget, pink and pleasant, purple-polka-dotted, flying circus elephants disguised as house cats to a bloody pulp within a few minutes.
8. Condoms- Joe’s strawberry flavored, steel belted, radial, condom with optional vibrating and oscillating head and French tickler ( for her pleasure)
9. Vibrators- Joe’s ultra high frequency, high power, high volume, high capacity, super vibrator, with optional high torque drill bit extension so you can lie to your boyfriend and tell him it’s a power tool.
10. Lubricant- Joe’s ultra-lubricating, strawberry flavored, Yuk jelly. For when you need the ultimate female lubricant. “It’s like K-Y, only better.”