Title : Interrogation Room 3

Author : Kelly Moreland, Jemirah, and Andrea

Archive :Anywhere, just let me know.

Spoilers : None

Rating : PG

Category : Humor, authorfic

Summary : Mulder and Scully strike back...

Feedback :  k_a_moreland@hotmail.com

Disclaimer : In the big inning, CC *created* M & S, and the
fans saw that it was good. Then CC proclaimed 'Let them
have any fun, and I will sue you!' And the fans saw that this
was bad, and did it anyway. ;-)

Thanks to:  First, Char Chaffin for tolerating this insanity,
and to Kell for coming up with this twisted idea and asking
me and Andrea to join the fun...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Three writers sat before a long wooden table, in a dimly lit
interrogation room. They glanced around nervously at each
other, before the door opened and three figures entered.

One of the new arrivals withdrew to a dark corner,
concealing himself in the shadows.

The three writers gaped at the two remaining people,
recognizing them immediately.

Special Agents Mulder and Scully, and they didn't look
happy.  File in hand, Mulder turned to the first woman...

"Kelly Moreland," Mulder said with obvious disdain. "You do
realize that to get laid, I do *not* have to crawl up a
chicken's ass and wait?"

Scully stepped up next to her partner and peered down at
the woman who sat quietly at the table.

"And I would *not* hand-cuff my partner to a bed and.. and..
have my way with him!" Scully managed to keep her voice
one decibel below a shout.

Kelly dropped her chin to her chest and stared intently at
her hands, clasped loosely in her lap.

"All we're asking for is a little dignity. A little respect.
I cannot re-adjust my eyeglasses with my tongue, and I
don't need your help to look like an idiot dancing around in
Marvin the Martian boxers!" Mulder growled,

Jemirah and Andrea snickered softly from their seats.

"Shut up, guys," Kelly hissed.

"But, I liked that story," Jemirah grinned back.

"I liked that story too," Scully replied, earning a quelling
look from her partner.

"I *didn't* like that story," Mulder growled at all of them.

Kelly decided she'd had enough.

"Hey!" She slammed her palm down on the table causing a
loud thud. "At least I've never made you get gang-raped by
a group of rampaging pyromaniacs, or turned you into
Cancerman's love-monkey!"

A noticeable tremor ran through Mulder's frame at the last
part of her sentence and he turned an appalling shade of
green.

"Okay, so maybe if you're going to write, you should brush
up on your grammar. What you do to the English language is
an X-File all its own," he grated between clinched teeth.

"And for the record," Scully interjected, leaning over the
table, "I do not wear thigh-high stockings, black lace
teddies, nor do I eat popsicles at work for the sole purpose
of tormenting my sexually frustrated partner!"

Mulder cut his eyes at her.

"Thanks a lot Scully, that really helps me out here," he
muttered, before turning his attention back to the writer in
front of him.

"One more undignified act, and you get to deal with him!"
Mulder threatened, pointing to the shadowy figure in the
corner.

Kell leaned to one side and glanced at the man in question.
Despite his graying hair, he looked very much like a surfer.

"If you want to write about us, do something respectable,
like Char does; 'The Touch', for example, or next time...
Next time, we won't be so nice. Is that clear?" Mulder asked
loudly.

"As smoked glass, G-man," she smiled sweetly up at him.

He moved on to the next writer.

"And you, what is this, Jeremiah?"  His glance would have
sliced right through anyone else, but Jemirah was silent,
staring at his nose, the sheer size of it adding to her
anxiety.

"N-no, uh, actually it's Jemirah," she stuttered.

"Jemirah?"  Scully said, as she looked at Mulder with barely
disguised amazement.

"Uh, y-yeah, it's, uh, a nickname from school..."  Jemirah
barely managed to mumble.

"Uh, sure,--"  Mulder was struggling to hide his annoyance.

"It's fine--"

"Whatever...  Now, Jemirah, you seem to think that I'm
suicidal."

"I, uh, it was my, I, uh, was kinda depressed, and uh,..."

"Calm down Jemirah, it was a good first story."  Kelly
offered her friend some much needed support.

"Ahem..."  Mulder was trying desperately to regain control
of the interrogation.  "Anyway, would it please you to know
that I don't have any kind of fascination with X-acto
knives?  Or--"

"Don't forget the scissors, Mulder," Scully prompted,
garnering her another scorching glance from her partner.

"Or the car wreck, don't forget that one..."  Andrea finally
piped up.

"Andrea!"  Jemirah shot her other friend a hurt look, but it
missed its mark entirely, as Andrea was too busy staring at
Agent Scully.

"Well, in the future, if you insist on putting me in the
same scene as a knife, you should let me be at the proper
end of it, like in 'The Date'."  Jemirah was close to tears,
but he was relentless.

"And you were so blocked you had to rehash the same story
for a follow-up?  That is pretty sad!"

"I wanted people to know what Scully was thinking," she
offered, through the tears now coursing down her face.

"How would know what I'm thinking?  You had me fuck him
in your next story, even though he didn't love me!"  This
drew Mulder's attention away from Jemirah immediately, as
he whipped his head around fast enough to give him
whiplash.

"Scully, did you just say 'fuck'?" he asked as he rubbed at
his neck.

"And then when you put us in that boat, what was that
supposed to be?"  Scully continued as she ignored a still-
gaping Mulder.

"I was trying to be poetic and more descriptive than I
usually am and--"  She burst into fresh tears as Mulder's
laughter filled the air.

"Poetic?  I wrote better poetry than that in junior high
school!  I mean, what were you on when you wrote that?"

"It reminded me of those acid experiments in med school..."
Scully said thoughtfully, before Mulder cleared his throat
loudly, shaking her out of her reverie.

He turned back to Jemirah, and opened his mouth to say
something, but Scully nudged him and indicated the man
half- hidden in the shadows, giving them the 'move on'
signal.  Mulder instantly pulled his act together, and moved
on to Andrea, who apparently was still so in awe of Agent
Scully, that she hadn't noticed that the agents were now
focused on her.

"As for you Andrea, I was wondering if you could answer a
question for me?" Agent Mulder's voice was laden with
condescension.

"Hmm?" Andrea finally tore her gaze away from the petite
redhead.

"I hope I'm not disturbing you," Agent Mulder's tone was
unchanged.

Andrea's cheeks flushed crimson as she shook her head in
response.

"Why am I so clueless in your stories? Even when you let me
be the one to initiate the relationship, which is rare, you
have me act like a gawky teenager. I *do* know how to
handle myself around women, you know," Agent Mulder
defended himself.

All eyes in the room then turned toward Agent Scully as she
suddenly seemed to be choking on something. With a wave
of her hand she signaled for her partner to continue. After a
quizzical stare at his partner, Agent Mulder resumed
questioning the eldest of the authoresses.

"And for your information, I would never let Krycek get the
drop on me," he stated firmly. Agent Scully cleared her
throat. "Again," he added, not looking at anyone.

Kelly and Jemirah's snickers at the agent's selective memory
turned to cringes when he turned his icy glare on them, but
he said nothing, as Agent Scully's calming hand had come to
rest on his forearm.

"I don't really know where to begin," Agent Scully sighed as
she took over for her partner. " First of all, despite what
you might think, I always know where all of my underwear
are. Second of all, if I ever did want to get Agent Mulder's
attention, I could do it without the aid of pornography."

Andrea couldn't meet the eyes of the female agent.

"These scenarios are all so unrealistic," Mulder shook his
head, "I mean, Scully as a decoy for a teenage girl, come
on!"

"Well, there was that one story, Mulder, where you thought
something had happened to me so you came rushing over
to my apartment and we ended up kissing on the floor. I
thought that one was believable," Scully pointed out.

"Well, okay, I guess I do have to admit that one was pretty
good," Mulder agreed.

"Um," Andrea cleared her throat, "That was "Kissing Hello"
by Char Chaffin. But it *was* really good, eh?"

"Eh?" Mulder laughed. "You're Canadian, I take it."

"You couldn't tell from her spelling?" Jemirah rolled her
eyes.

"It's not like it takes a genius," Kelly couldn't help
laughing.

A sound from the shadows made everyone turn in that
direction; the shadowy figure was giving the 'wrap it up'
signal.

Mulder straightened, and peered down at the three of
them.

"You can go, for now," he said in a stern voice, "but
remember, we are watching--and reading."

The three women at the table broke the sound barrier as
they bolted from the room. Once in the hallway, Kelly
turned to look at her two cohorts.

"Damn, no body cavity search?" Kell asked, a little
disappointed.

"Who are those two trying to kid? I could taste the sexual
tension in the room."  Andrea added distractedly.

"Yeah, you could cut it with a knife..."  Jemirah agreed.

"Remind me to send him a thank you note for the new
asshole he chewed me," Kelly grinned.

"Only if you remind me to send them a bill for the therapy
I'm going to need," Jemirah said, looking back at the door
to the room with a shudder.

"Do you think if I asked really nice, she'd send me an
autographed picture?" Andrea asked, a dreamy look on her
face.

Kelly grabbed both her friends by their arms, and hauled
them out the door.


Fini~

Author's Notes from Kell :  I was drugged!!
(k_a_moreland@hotmail.com)

Author's Notes from Andrea:  What Kell said...
(ardywyn@hotmail.com)

Author's Notes from Jemirah:  What can I say, I'm not strong
enough to resist peer pressure...
(jemirah@hotmail.com)

Additional Notes:  You can find all of the stories mentioned
above at Char Chaffin's awesome site:
http://char.chaffin.com/