I’m here at work again, I have about a hour before I get to leave; I’m glad it’s not a full day, and then tomorrow we have the day off entirely. I have plans to get royally smashed this lovely New Year’s eve. I really haven’t done anything special the last few years and this year will not be anything exceptional either. I will probably go over to my parent’s place tonight and hang out with my brother, Danielle and Jason until my lovely Pumpkins gets over there. I think it’s time for a little break from reality. Last night I was sitting on the couch with Rory and I wanted to be content, I wanted to be happy and cuddly and alive with him, but I just couldn’t get to that place. I was somewhere in a distant reality; not a reality foreign to me, but one that has not bothered to visit in quite a while. I was overly emotional and yet emotionally detached all in the same flash of existence. I once again became someone I know so well; I was once again someone that I knew not much longer than 6 months ago.

It is a constant battle between yearning to keep in this newly found existence where all is right and harmonious and falling back into the realm that I have learned to not only live through, but in a sick way, love it as well. I am the girl who comes home in mourning and wants nothing to do with anyone in the ‘real’ world. I come home to do nothing but bleed my thoughts onto paper; I find my existence in a projected reflection of my art; and my art become my only link to the world of existence. I care nothing for anyone that I love, and yet can do nothing without them; I would end if they ceased to live, but there is no possible affection for them to find from me.

Is there any way to find myself somewhere in the middle; can it all be encompassed into one giant love-ball? No, no, I really don’t think it’s possible. How can extreme opposing forces co-exist? I’m not saying that some minute level of harmony is not possible, but what I am saying is that they cannot co-exist in the same moment. If someone is bold enough to hold onto me and truly love me through both phases of existence, then that is the only way that even a glitter of harmony could possibly exist. If someone who fell in love with the girl who was happy and encompassed everything they ever wanted could still love the girl who becomes everything but that, then maybe, just maybe, there is hope. Ya think?

Enough rambling you silly girl!