Today at work I found out that Robbie plans on asking Reina to date him some time soon. When I heard the news I felt like a sword had been plunged inside of my chest. At first I thought they were the old pangs of jealousy I use to get when Robbie first met Jen. Then, after thinking about it for a while; I began to rationalize why I was hurting. It is not the fact that he wants to be with Reina; I could deal with that. I have already come to the conclusion that if Robbie and I were ever to get together, that it would turn into a disastrous and destructive relationship for the both of us. I am not saying that I am not jealous about the whole situation, because I am. It’s just not in the obvious way I had at first thought. It does not bother me that he wishes to be with Reina, it bothers me that we have gone through so much shit together, and he puts more faith in her. He had always knows Reina as his best friend’s girlfriend, and not much more than that. Yet, when Robbie has ever been upset or had a traumatizing experience he has always come to me. I guess maybe I found some security in that?! Whenever he was feeling traumatized by Jen, I was there to listen and talk him through it. When he was down on himself and felt like shit, I would talk him through it. When he asked me to do something for him, I was more than willing to do it. Yet, after Jen had dumped Robbie, I knew he was upset, but I guess I did not realize the extent of it. Robbie had told me not long after Jen had dumped him, that Reina had saved his life. He said that he was cutting his wrists, and was attempting suicide when Reina just happened to show up. He said she saved his life. I was glad that this was the case, but he made me feel as if I had let him down because I was not the one who just showed up at his door. Eventually him and Reina began to hang out a lot, and he kept telling me how innocent she was, and how he was so attracted to that. He then began to go on and on about the fact that she was a virgin, and that he was going to marry her some day. He use to tell me that he thought we would wind up being the ones together in the end. I was a little upset that he was interested seriously with someone other than me. Robbie began adopting a strange attitude that was cold towards females, except for when he talked about Reina. Maybe Robbie did not think about what he was saying, and how it affected me, when he went on and on about how innocent she was, and how he wanted a girl that had not been very intimate with another man. He was making me feel like he thought I was disgusting and dirty, and I began to wonder why he even wanted to hang out with me anymore, if this is how he felt. As time went on, Robbie and Reina bonded more, and he would tell me stores of how he was corrupting Reina’s mind and getting her to do more daring things. All of this was fine and dandy, but he kept going on and on not only about how beautiful, and innocent Reina was, but how much he trusted her; he talked about he trusted her like he has never trusted anyone in the past. I guess he didn’t realize he was talking to me, or didn’t care how I felt about the whole situation, but it killed me to hear that. After all that I had gone through with him, and as much faith and trust I had put in him, he turned around and made it blatantly obvious that I was not the person he trusted most. Every time we would get together he would wind up telling me this. Did he not even realize how much that hurt? This was no longer about attraction, or the lack of attraction anymore, it was about how betrayed and devalued I felt. The one person I trusted and put my faith in as my best friend blatantly told me that I was not his best friend, and that I was not the most trusted person in his life. This contradicted everything he had ever told me. He use to tell me that I was his one true friend; the friend that stuck with him through thick and thin; and that I was the one person he really trusted. I feel completely violated, and to some extent, that I have been raped; especially after the day he was over here not too long ago. He pushed and did everything he could to get into my pants, and yet, he turns around and tells me he is in love with Riena, that he wants to be with her, and possibly marry her. I can’t take this anymore. I am left with a broken heart and no one to tell about this. I am not heartbroken that my best friend is in love with someone else; I am heart broken because he no longer values me in the same way. I have told him before that I am not one of his little fuck-buddies that he picks up off the street, and yet he tried to take advantage of me and treated me like I was one of them. Also, all he talks about anymore are women who are thin, and perfect, and how he wants to fuck all of them; his conversations have been narrowed down to 4 things; one, how great he is; two, how much he loves Reina; three, getting high and taking drugs; and four, fucking perfect bodied women. He knows how self-conscious I am about my weight, and yet, it is almost as if he throws it in my face every time he sees another girl. He never used to be this way. When we are in public he will go on and on about fucking a girl because she has a perfect body, and then he will remark on a not so attractive over-weight kind of girl. He makes me feel like I am a disgusting person to him. He has crushed me, and my sense of self-worth. He constantly makes snide comments about some of the things I like, my boyfriend, and contradicts what I say, as if he is a higher class than I am. What am I to do? The one person I have put all faith in has made me loose all faith in him. I no longer have any friends to discuss this with, because this is about my friend.

I have no faith in life anymore. I have lost all faith and trust in other people. The world is at odds with it’s self, and everyone in it is out to mutilate one another. Please make it END, PLEASE? If I went to bed tonight, and never awoke, I would be perfectly happy. I am not so sure I am fixable anymore. I have been dropped, and this time I have shattered into hundreds of little pieces. It would take a magician to fix me now; there are no magicians left in this world, at least none that I know of.

*belches* Am I drunk yet? NOT NEAR ENOUGH! ~Maybe a sleeping pill would do the trick. YEAH, 'trick', the pill is my magician tonight!~