I just got off of the phone with my boyfriend, and it turns out that he may not be coming home after work tonight. It's not so much the fact that he is going out, it is the fact that he NEVER asks me to go out with them. I have never even met his new friends, and the only reason I ever met Doug was because he brought Doug home to our apartment one night. I assume that I will be home alone most of the night again. It really hurts that he does not care to invite me. He use to get soo upset when I would not ask him to hang out with Robbie and I. I use to invite him everywhere, and to hang out with my friends every chance there was. Then Robbie and JJ decided that they didn't really like one another, so every time I would invite JJ to hang out with Robbie and I, there became some strange tension in the room that made me so uncomfortable all I wanted to do was leave. Eventually I would not invite JJ to hang out with us, but I rarely ever hung out with Robbie any ways. Most of the time, I would go out with Robbie while JJ was at work, and then come home only a couple hours after JJ arrived at home. JJ, on the other hand, has asked me to hang out with his old friend Doug, MAYBE once. I have never met these new friends of his. Today he was telling me how he was going to hang out with them, but never once did he ask if I wanted to hang out as well. He wanted to know why I sounded upset, and I really didn't care to tell him. After he prodded for a while, I gave in and let him know that it upsets me that he does not invite me to hang out with them. He said that he did invite me to out with them tonight, but I said I was too tired. He never did ask me directly if I would like to hang out with them. All he did was say that he was going to hang out with his friends, so I responded with saying that I would just probably wind up going to bed then, since I did not have anyone to do anything with. I want him to have fun, have friends, and hang out with them, but when he is gone ALL night long, and does not let me know, and/ or did not do the few chores that he had to do for the day, before he went out, then that bothers me. ISH, he does not understand how that hurts. I feel like I am his dark ugly little secret that is to be used for fulfillment and playing the roll of the provider.

Any ways, I just started talking to Mira and Beth, and she made me feel much better. Beth said that she would be pissed if her boyfriend went out with his friends and she did not know who they were; on the other hand, Ann stated that she hardly ever goes out with her husband's friends. I really do not know what to think. Should I even fucking care? I guess not! Fuck it all!

On a lighter note, Rob e-mailed me the other night. It was definitely nice to hear from him. It was nice to know that someone was listening. I still don't know what to think about everything that happened with him and I. So much shit happened that I am not sure of what I should think. I don't even want to go into it right now. Trying to sort through those emotions, while still in emotional discontent from my current relationship could lead me to say things that I don't really feel.

Robbie and I wound up e-mailing one another yesterday. I was going to let him know when Seraphim is going to play next. He wound up telling me how excited he was over getting to hang out with Rena this weekend. Ya know, it really hurts when he tells me how much he trusts her and wants to be with her after all the shit we have gone through together; and all the bullshit I have dealt with. I cannot believe he is still going on and one about hooking up with Rena and how much he loves her, especially after the incident he pulled over at my apartment this weekend. It seems that, in the end, I have become Robbie's tool. I am his broken toy that he has finally grown out of; he has moved on to something new and glimmering. He told me once that he felt that I had a big mouth and he could not trust me because I had told Jen a few things that he did not want her to know. The thing is, I did not know that he did not want me to let Jen know. I really didn't think it was much of an issue, especially after they broke up. He also told Jen things, that I specifically asked him NOT to tell her, so I don't see how his trust is much better. In fact, I don't know why I was ever friends with him. The only thing he has ever shared with me is drugs or alcohol. When we hang out together, who almost always drives, and who is the one who would be there for him when he was crushed and crying? Not Jen, and sure as hell not Rena. I am sick of him. I am sick of his making me feel like shit, and his making me feel like I am inadequate, and that things I do are disgusting. In fact, why did I ever want to be with him? Jen was good for him, and I can honestly say that. I miss the softness of the old Robbie, he has become a rough edged bastard. I feel so violated and raped by him. I hurt so much! SO MUCH! My life is nothing but a downwards cycle. I just want it to end. What is the point of living any ways? Does anyone really care? Do I affect anyone so profoundly, that their lives would be changed forever if I was gone? My mother would say that it would kill her, but I think that she's the only one. Everyone else could care less. Of course it would devastate them that someone died, but how profoundly affected would they really be? Robbie use to tell me how much I meant to him, and that he really cared for me, but things are different now. I am not so sure he cares at all. He may say that he does when faced with the question, just because he cannot admit that he does not give a shit to my face.

Am I just throwing a pitty party? Perhaps, but in the end, it doesn't change. It does not make me feel any better. It does not change the situation? Is not everyone allowed the chance to vent? Since I am on the subject, lets not just spill it all right now?

At work I feel like a fucking Alien. I am ‘that weird girl'. I mean, it does not really bother me that I am the weird girl, in fact I like it, but it is the fact that I am alienated and thought of as less than an equal that bothers me. I am not well liked by people, and I have come to learn this, but who fucking cares? Maybe I just take too much to heart. I soak it all in like sponge, instead of letting it roll off my back like plastic would. I am just to sensitive to everything. When am I gonna learn to just say fuck it! Who cares? And really, honestly, believe it. Probably never. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a Cancer, I wish I had been born under a tougher zodiac sign, but then again, I would not be me. I really don't want to be anyone else, but I don't want to be what I am either. What is desirable about me, is there anything at all? What are my desirable attributes? What are my un-desirable attributes? I have no clue! Maybe if I did have an idea of what they were, then I could figure things out, or turn things to my advantage for once.

Any ways, I am ill of typing, as I am sure you are ill of listening. For now, I think it is time to jet. Beside I need to get some work done.

Fuck this, Fuck you, Fuck it all! In the end

9/21/01 (8:20pm)

The flesh cried as it opened its valley of love. The crevices filled themselves to the rim, as the crimson rain fell into the over flowing rivers. I want to weep for what it is I have done, and seen. It had been soooo incredibly long since the flesh had wept for these dry eyes. Which is better, a mouth full of tears, or a mouth full of crimson bliss? The decision is hard. It’s so much easier to weep through the flesh, then through the ducts where tears are released. I am not sure that I can even remember the last time I cried as I did tonight. The flesh remains sore after being raped by the blade, but what is one to do when it is all they have ever known of love, life, and existence? Make me better, please? I have left the world I once new, and I loveed, and now I am living in this foul pit. I love and hate the darkness and the hollowness it brings; yet, this is all I know, and I am addicted; this is my domain. I no longer believe that anyone can bring me out of this. Everyone changes, and cares less for the one they love when time goes by. Perhaps I am just saddened to think that the fantasy I have grown to love and taken comfort in is merely an illusion. I use to think that there is one person out there that is your perfect compliment. Perhaps that was just my foolishness trying to help me through this pathetic existence. I play the role of the Fool, only to continually find myself in the position of The Hanged Man. The Wheel of Fortune is always spinning, and I never know where it is going to land. I have learned that there are not many good niches of fate on the wheel. When is this game over? NOW PLEASE! JUST LET IT END! In the tarot, the cycle never ends, for even in death, the fool is always born again.