Why do I find it necessary to continually hurt myself with thoughts and images of people that I have burned in the past. Hasn’t everyone fucked someone else over at some point. Even when I have hurt someone and I did not really mean to, in fact, even if I had never even thought that something was I was doing was going to hurt someone else and it did, I still find myself punishing myself for it; weather it is my body, my soul, or my sense of well being, I continually punish myself for wrong doings of the past.

There is one person that I use to regret burning and that was Lance. I always felt sorry for him and made sure that I tried to make everything well for him, but the truth is, nothing is ever going to be good enough for someone like him. I may be a spoiled brat, but at least I choose to look at my own follies. I may dwell on the fact that I am fucked up and constantly ponder why, but the truth is, I can actually fact the fact and not run away from it. I am sick and tired of being the big ‘disappointment’ in the eyes of people around me. Why should I surround myself with people who continually put me down when I put myself down enough as it is?

Right now I do not know what I came from or where I am going. I have no idea how I got here or weather I will make it anywhere else, but I do know that I am here, and tired, and sick of the general population.

These past two weekends have been a tad bit strange, and I fear I have hurt my sweet Kitten. Last weekend when I was at Jen’s house I began paying a lot of attention to Craig, (he is the one with whom I cheated on Lance with), because JJ seemed a bit on the independent side for the night and I wanted to give him his own space; only, I realized that maybe he didn’t want his own space, but instead, he was trying to let me know that he was feeling jealous. I was playing with Craig’s hair that night, which was innocent enough because JJ went outside to smoke. When he came back in I was still playing with Craig’s hair, but I was trashed and it felt kool to play with. Slowly I drank more and more and was to the point where I could barely stand up. JJ was in the kitchen and I happened to see Craig sitting in Jen’s living room. I sat down with him and asked him to give me a back rub. I did not ask JJ because I thought that would not give me one if I were to ask him. Craig began giving me a back message and it felt wonderful, especially since I was completely trashed! All in all, I think that the back rub was rather innocent, I know that Craig was a bit turned on by it, and maybe I was too, but not because it was him personally, but because it just felt great. Eventually I just started talking to Sunjit (sp?) and Craig but then JJ would up telling me he wanted to go outside and smoke a cigarette, and asked me to join him. I declined due to the fact that it was cold as hell out side and I had no shoes or socks on. A little while later he went back outside to have another cigarette and left the door opened a crack. I told him to close the door because he was letting all the cold air inside. He refused so I climbed on the futon that craig was laying on and tucked my legs under the covers. JJ then slammed the door closed and I knew he was upset. I went outside to talk to him and resolved things with him, or so I thought I had.

This past weekend we were over at Jen’s again and JJ kept asking me to leave the room with him so that he could talk to me about Craig. I really didn’t want to leave the room but I did any ways. JJ said that he felt that I had been paying more attention to Craig the last time we were over there and that bothered him. ( I have come to realize that neither JJ, nor Robbie like Craig). I felt bad for what I was doing; I had not realized that I had upset him. I guess the only reason I thought he would not care was because of the fact that he is quite flirty when it comes to hanging out with his co-worker Sarah. Whenever they are around one another JJ, not meaning to, becomes quite flirty with her right in front of me. He does things like tickle Sarah’s sides or gets close to her face when he jokes around with her. He says that he does not have ‘those type of feelings’ for Sarah, but sometimes I wonder; I cannot quite tell if it is just the way he is or if he does have feelings that he does not wish to admit. I will admit, that at times I have feelings for Craig, and I do not know where they come from, but other than that small piece of attraction that I have towards him, I find that he holds no substance. In reality, JJ is my best friend, and that is substance; in fact, that is a hell of a lot of substance, nothing can mean more. I may find other people attractive here and there, but what is it worth? Nothing, nada, zilch! JJ is where I want to be; JJ is with whom I wish to be. I love him. (I love you). I am back to the way I was before when regarding my feelings towards Craig, he kind of makes me want to puke. Not because he is repulisive looking, but because I find no sort of substance in him and his ideals bother me.

As for now, I think it is time to go…later…..