It has been a while since I have written, but the truth is, I have not felt like writing. I find that more time spent between the times that I write, the longer the gaps become between the next writtings. I also feel as if I am slipping out of touch with myself again. At least I know that if I am feeling down, hurting or depressed, it doesn't really matter as long as I know who I am, but the truth is, the more time I spend in a mundane, ‘corporate’ job, the more I slip away from myself. I need to start having some time to myself. I need some time to get my shit together and touch base with who it is I really am, and how I really feel about things. I wear a mask all day long, or turn myself onto auto-pilot just to make it through the day. I hate this, I hate living in ‘their world’. The only time that things feel right anymore are when I am with JJ. Even when I got drunk at my friend Robbie’s house the other night I felt weirded out. I use to love the idea of receiving attention from Robbie. I loved the way it felt to be admired by him. I am beginning to think that the admiration he had for me and the way he use to look at me is why I was attracted to and intrigued by him. Now I feel like I am second rate to any, and every other girl, not just Jen. Am I just selfish? Have I just been the center of JJ’s attention for so long that I have forgotten what it is like to be ‘out of the spotlight’? have I forgotten what it is like to be lonely? Have I forgotten that I use to be invisible to most people? Have I forgotten about being Jill’s, Gina’s, and Andrea’s shadows? Perhaps I have. I don’t want to go back to being who I was, and yet I feel like I am slipping away; slipping back into that shy unnoticable girl I once was. I feel so resentful towards myself. I feel bad that I am always talking about myself as well. I guess that is the shallow misery of my essence?! I guess I just want to know what I have done to make myself dull in the eyes of Robbie and Aaron?! Is it me or is it them that have changed?

Today was perfect outside. It felt like fall, and yet it was like the dead of winter at the same time. The fog was thick and it made it hard to drive. The weather matched my thoughts, my feelings, my entire being. The ground was was merely damp from the rain, but the cold air had turned it to a thin layer of black ice; ice such as the glaze that has frozen over my thoughts and existence. I hate my thoughts lately. Everything around me seems so superficial. I feel superficial, and yet I have been playing this game for so long now that I have almost forgotten what it is like to be real; I have forgotten what is real to me, and not to others. I give up, I am tired of playing their games, I know I will need a release soon. Drugs and alcohol only mask my weakness or amplify my self hatred lately, so I am beginning to think that I need another release. I need something greater and more euphoric than external intoxications. I need something more internal; I need a release that I have not felt in a long time. It is time for my veins to cry their crimson tears again soon. One can only spend a certain amount of time pretending to be strong before their weak side floods out of their bodies like a river.

Cheers to my crimson tears and nights of mourning.

I know now that if it were not for my lovely Kitten, I would not have the motivation to be moving out of this house, and away from this life. The trouble is, I have these thoughts, ideas, images, and dreams of what life will be like once I am outside of this house, and I know full well things are not going to be how I wish them to be. I will still be forced to exist day by day in THEIR reality! Any ways, sleep calls, and as always, I shall attempt to obey it’s command. Sorry for my poor, lazy, and pathetic grammer and punctuation lately, it is merely symbolic of my current existence.

CRIMSON KISSES!!!!