Today marks 4 months; yet, over the weekend things contorted into a web of excitement and misery. How disturbed should I be? I am not sure, and I am not so much disturbed over what happened over the weekend, but more or less I have become disturbed over the reprocussions it brought with it. Somehow I have lost my footing and have no idea where to place my feet without shattering the glass that began to crack on Saturday night. I thought I knew what JJ wanted from me, and yet I am not so sure anymore. I am beginning to wonder just how into me he is. What I mean is, just how into me, just being me, is he? Or is he with me because I am someone he doesn’t usually fight with, can get some action from, and takes care of a lot of things when we go out? Another question that came up in my dark thoughts was, what does he want from the relationship now? We talked as if he had planned on moving in with me, and granted, neither of us meant that in terms of ‘forever’; however, moving in together suggested to me that he wanted something steady for a while, and if things worked out, then possibly forever. Yet, as I have feared all along, maybe he is where I was just before I met him. I wanted something for the time being, and then to move on. Then when he came along I was scared of losing something I fell in love with. I have never stood up for anyone I have ever been with when it came to my parents disapproving. Am I wasting my breath? I hope not! I feel weird, almost not right in the head, almost not real. One minute I want to drop that of which I love so much because I fear it will either slip away or does not feel the way that I do about it. Yet, the fact that I do love him so much makes me fear just throwing it away. I guess the deal is, I need to find out what it is that he is wanting, needing, looking for, and doubting. Sometimes I feel as if he holds things back. I wish he would just spill more of what is inside of him. I think at this point I could be ready to be rejected, merely due to the fact that I am on the look out to catch my fall. The most fucked up part of this all is the fact that I know he is going to read this, but that was not my intent on writing it. I just needed to spill it. Not just to him, but anonymous people who read this, as well as purge this from inside of me to make it easier to breathe; now that I can breathe once again, I think I will hold onto it for a while and shut my mouth! However; I have one thing left to say, I love you (you know who you are)