*********************

Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: Ain't mine.
Author's Notes: A creative mood hit and this is what developed. Sit back
and hope I actually make sense. Thanks to Mog for letting me clutter her
universe. ;-D

*********************

I can't remember the last time I had ever felt such helplessness and
wish to God I wasn't feeling it now. The last 24 hours have come and
gone, leaving nothing but a blur as to its occurence. I had hoped this
would have ended differently, but once again, I was wrong.

"Buck?"

The voice is familiar, but I don't want to acknowledge its existence,
for to do that, would mean I would have to accept my failure.

"Buck? Please talk to me." JD Dunne stared at the prone form of his
partner and best friend. Wilmington hadn't spoken to anyone in almost
two days and this worried the kid. It was rare the man stopped speaking
to eat, much less for long periods of time. "Look, Buck. I know your
blaming yourself right now, but its not your fault." This apparently
got
some reaction from the other man.

"Not my fault." Wilmington's eyes met those of Dunne. "Well, just how
the hell do ya figure that, kid. It was my gun, my responsibility, and
my negligence." Buck's voice cracked on the last word and he had to
turn
away to hide the tears.

"Nobody is blaming you except for you. It could have happened to any
one
of us." JD paused in his speech when the older agent glared at him. "I
know, it didn't happen to us, it happened to you." The younger man
dropped his head slightly feeling age beyond his years.

"I put him in there JD, doesn't matter if I didn't pull the trigger, it
was my bullet that pierced his body. Ripping at his flesh..." The
horrendous incident flooded Buck's mind once more, causing his words to
quiver. "If he dies JD, it'll be on my head. Nobody else's. Do you
understand?" Wilmington probed the kid's hazel gaze hating to see the
desolete look staring back at him, but knowing it couldn't be helped.

"Yeah, Buck. I understand." Dunne rose from the waiting room chair and
patted his friend's shoulder before giving it a slight squeeze. "But, I
hope you understand your not alone." JD didn't wait to see the reaction
his words caused, but went in search of a nurse or somebody, to give
him
an update on Vin Tanner's condition.

It had been a routine bust of dealer-wanna-bes that had turned deadly.
JD and Buck had been playing the buyers'. They took down the men and
were cleaning up the scene when it happened.

***************************

"Damnit, boy, can't you do anything right. You don't handcuff a suspect
like that. Your liable to get your fool self killed." Wilmington was
yelling at his young protege' as usual. They went through this ritual
on
a regular basis after any arrest. JD was doing exactly as he was
suppose
too, but Buck felt it his sworn duty to harrass his partner.

"Look, Buck. I know what I'm doing, I did graduate first in my class at
the academy. You on the other, slept your way through." Dunne raised
his
eyebrows as the flush crept up his friend's face. The other man had
definitely understood the kid's double meaning.

"You'll pay for that one, boy." The grin on the older agent's face took
the sting from his gruff words. He opened his mouth to say something
more, when he heard an unfamiliar voice with a very deadly intent.

"Tanner. Remember me?" Hank 'the Hammer' Jones rose from his sitting
position behind the bickering agents', throwing off the pitiful cuffs
he
had spent years perfecting the escape of and grabbed the nearest weapon
visible. Buck Wilmington's.

Vin had stayed outside while the crew rounded up the bad guys', but the
rush was over and he needed to make sure his partners' were still alive
and well. He never had a chance to ease his troubled thoughts as he
felt
the searing pain rip through his upper body followed by darkness.

*************************

I can't believe I was so stupid. How could I have made such a rookie
mistake after all these years? Aw, who the hell am I kidding. I wasn't
paying attention. One of the first rules of the field. Never take your
eye off your perp. Yeah, never.

Buck raised his eyes absently following the flow of people around him.
They had brought Vin out of surgery over 12 hours ago, but I can't even
bring myself to go to Tanner. Hell, the truth is I can't face Chris
Larabee. I keep seeing the stark terror cross his features as the
bullet
hit the sharpshooter. It was the same expression I witnessed the day
his
car blew up with his whole life in it. Only, this time, I was the cause
of the fear, not some low-life with no conscious. ME!

Wilmington jumped from his chair and practically ran for the double
doors leading to the outside. I've gotta get out of here. He never
noticed the aquamarine gaze following his exit. Larabee sighed as he
watched his oldest friend pull out of the parking lot, having no idea
how to ease the man's pain. In all honesty, not knowing how to ease any
of their pain over this, especially his own.

*********************

"Remember me, Tanner???" The voice echoed causing the lanky man to
visibly flinch, which made his already throbbing chest hurt even more.
He let out a low moan as the agony began to increase along with the
hated words.

Ezra Standish inched his frame closer to the bed, not wanting to
disturb
the sleeping Tanner, but one look at the frown lines and the beads of
sweat sliding from the younger man's brow, changed his mind.

"Vin," the southern drawl bounced off the white walls around the ICU
room. "Vin, Mr. Tanner." Standish could tell a nightmare had gripped
the
lanky man and would not let go. The conman reached out to shake his
friend awake, but the moment he touched Vin's arm, Tanner struck out.

"NO!!!" *Oh God, not again.* The agent felt his eyes begin to fill with
tears as his upper body exploded with pain.

"Easy, Vin." Ezra was able to catch Tanner before he could lurch
upright, but knew his hands had to be causing the younger agent
distress. Standish began to talk in a low voice next to the
sharpshooter's ear. "Its all right, Vin. Everything's fine. Just calm
down." The conman was relieved when he felt the taut muscles relax and
even moreso as the familiar blue gaze locked with his.

"Hey, Ez." The tired, hoarse voice was the music the agents' had been
waiting to hear.

"Hello to you, Mr. Tanner. Might I say it is a pleasure to see you
rejoin the land of the living." Standish couldn't hold the smile off
his
lips, actually he didn't even try.

"Hey, cowboy." The quiet tone startled the conman, but somehow the
serene expression now adorning Tanner's face, noted he had known the
other man was there.

"You look like hell." Vin attempted to keep the pain from his words,
but
neither of his friends' had missed it.

"I'll go retrieve the physician and alert our partners' of Mr. Tanner's
return to consciousness." Ezra's smile grew as he noticed the usual
scowl creasing the younger man's face.

"I wish you'd speak English." The sharpshooter put an edge on his tone,
but it failed.

"Why ever would I do something so horrid?" The conman always took
pleasure in torturing the lanky man more than the others and was
feeling
extremely giddy just at the thought he was still alive.

"Ezra, I think you better go get the doc before you need one." Chris
was
also relieved by the ever present banter between the two.

Standish gave them his typical two fingered salute as he strolled out
the door.

"That man could make a saint cuss." Vin snorted at the fancy man's
retreating form, but quickly regretted it as a huge searing sensation
assualted him. He lurched back against the bed and was overjoyed when
he
felt the familiar callused hand of his best friend grab his.

"Easy, Vin. Just take it easy." Larabee couldn't stop the guilt that
was
flooding over him as he watched Tanner fighting against the agony
tugging at his body. He should have been paying more attention. He had
kept the sharpshooter in the background of this case for the very
reason
he was staring at right now. He and the others had known there was a
possibility one of the bad guys had ran into the ex-bounty hunter in
the
past, but none of them had imagined this.

"Not your fault." Vin had slit his eyes and read the guilt in his best
friend's face like he was reading a book. "Not Buck's either."

The leader laughed. He should have known the younger man would be
thinking of others' instead of himself. "Yeah, I know that, but
convincing Buck, may be a different story." The hurt, fear and grief of
the last 24 hours were catching up to the older agent.

"Where is he?" Tanner knew his friends' and knew without a doubt
Wilmington was beating himself up over this. "I wanna see him." The
sharpshooter's voice began to fade as the lasting effects of the
aneasthia was taking hold again.

"I'll go get him. You rest." Chris pushed the sweat soaked locks from
Vin's face and breathed heavily. *Damn, I'm getting too old for this.*

"Chris?" Josiah's baritone broke the other's reverie.

"Hey, Josiah. He just drifted back off to sleep. You mind staying with
him till I get back?" Larabee took his hand from his friend's, patting
it softly.

"No problem. Going anywhere in particular, brother?" Sanchez knew
exactly where the leader was headed.

"To get some air." Chris smiled and squeezed the big man's arm
affectionately. "We'll be back shortly."

The agent nodded slightly as he caught the 'we'. "May God be with you."
He added, before taking the seat Ezra had vacated earlier.

**********************

The wind feels good in my hair. I can't believe things so beautiful and
pure can exist in this cruel world. I can't believe life can change so
fast and so drastically. I watched him fall and felt my own heart stop.
It was only a split second from the moment Jones had my gun til I was
wrenching it from his grasp, but the damage had been done.

I saw the shock, the pain, and blood.

"WHY????" I scream at the mountains and into the canyon below me, but
only the sadness and anger of my own voice answers me. I'm alone, so
alone.

"Theres no answer, Buck." Chris Larabee had stood watching his friend
for the better part of 10 minutes and felt his heart constrict even
more
at the agony-filled yell.

I should be shocked he's here, but a part of me is glad. "Go away,
Chris." I hear the raggedness of my words, but I don't care.

"Not without you." Larabee walked forward and sat beside the other
agent
on the boulder. "Vin's awake and asking for ya."

I flinch at the very mention of the younger man's name. "Why? So he can
tell me how stupid I was." I know the lanky man would never throw such
words at me, hell I'd be surprised if he was ever mad at any one of us.

"No. Your doing a good job of that without help." Chris glances at him
in time to see the grimace. "Look, Buck. It happened and there isn't a
damn thing we can do to change that now. Vin's alive and gonna be fine,
but he'll never forgive himself if he loses your friendship over this."

I swivel around and glare at him. "Hell, with friendship like mine, he
don't need no enemies." I get up and stomp near the edge and watch the
loose rocks bounce down the side.

"You know what day it is, Buck?"

I turn as I hear the solemness of his tone and what I see rips another
whole in my heart. "No." I answer honestly, I have no idea what day of
the week, much less the date.

"The thirty-first. My birthday." The leader bowed his head to avoid the
expression he knows is crossing the others features. "I told myself the
day Sara and Adam died, I would never let myself endure that much pain
again." Chris laughed softly. "Damned if I didn't lie." Larabee raised
his head finally and didn't conceal the true feelings in his eyes'.
"Today is suppose to be a day to celebrate and from the miracle I was
just afforded back at that hospital, I intend to do just that."

I waited patiently as he walks toward me.

"I almost lost one best friend and I'm not about to stand around while
the other one drowns himself in guilt. This wasn't your fault. Wasn't
mine, JD's, Nathan's, Josiah's, Ezra's, and definitely not Vin's. This
shit happens, especially to people in our line of work and with our
pasts." Larabee sighed and clapped the taller man on the shoulder. "Vin
doesn't blame you for Jones'. I done some checking and found out he's
some kind of mastermind at lock picking. Everything was by the book."

I look into his eyes and find understanding and worry. Damn, he's
worried about me. "I'm sorry, Chris. I don't know if I could have lived
with myself if something..." I can bring myself to say the hated words
that had been running around in my head.

"Then, I guess you don't have anything to worry about." The leader
squeezed his friend's shoulder. "Now, can we get to the hospital. I
know
a certain patient that will have to be tied down if we're not there
when
he wakes up."

I laugh as I think about Vin and his unruly behavior when he's sick. He
was downright childish when we he and JD got the flu last spring.
"Yeah,
I'd hate for them nurses to have to see that ugliness."

Chris chuckled. "Besides, I still have a certain birthday present
heading my way."

I stare at him and realize he knows. "Who the hell spilled the beans?"
I
can't believe after all these months of planning, he knows.

"Well, lets just say a particular agent can't keep a secret to save his
life." Larabee giggled as Buck realized the culprit was his best
friend.

"When I get a hold of that boy.." I let the threat fall off as I allow
myself to release the guilt I had been carrying and concentrate on more
important things. Life and family.

***********************

The End
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