Top Ten Ways to Tell You're Gay
10. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys. Instead,
you've been sucking-off the boys and have spent the rest of your free time
doing sit-ups, aerobics, and following the Oprah Diet.
9. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming fag. A cat is like a dog,
but gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just
think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass
over here!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to
daddy,
snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
8. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
bar-b-q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, craw-fish guts, pickled pigs feet, or
titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and
are undeniably a fag.
7. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his
bathroom, he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
6. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one
in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick,
wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A pussy-eating man will never be heard ordering
a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never ever know what
artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had Nutra-sweet in your mouth,
you've
had a dick there too.
5. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types
of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A
real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that
crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major League, NFL,
NBA, college ball, PGA, and Nascar. If you can pick out chartreuse or you
know what a "fresier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of
textile other than denim, you are faggadocious!
4. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...you're
hungry for a meat-popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at
a
slow-ass driver or to cut the motherfucker off. The rest of the time
he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold
his beer, finger the bi-atch in the passenger seat (whoever she happens to
be) or, if he's Latino, talk on his cell-phone.
3. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous
sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is
with
a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films
by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous
homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame
out too quickly.
2. If you listen to music with more than 3 chords, no words (let alone
screaming), or recorded by Bette Midler, Barbara Streisand, or Celine
Dion, go directly to the bath house, do not pass Go, Do NOT collect $200.
You are GAY!
1. If you live alone and have ANYTHING besides Beer, Ketchup or
Mustard in your fridge, YOU have an eating disorder- too much sausage and
trouser
trout in your diet. Real men don't cook, we eat out or open cans of stuff to
eat. In fact, you shouldn't even have pots or pans, you HOMO! Oh yeah, and
if you have an iron, you should pawn it for some knee pads! So follow the
rules and beware...or keep that shit to yourself.
