Excuses for calling in sick:

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking

my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up

for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in

addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john,

but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the

undead and we must track her to her coffin to

drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has

determined that my house is completely surrounded by

 wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.

The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but

I know we have that deadline to meet....

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down

at Tom Thumb.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit

disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I

 won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be

sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally,

I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records

may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even

gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.