I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.

I am George Carlin.
  
 I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money
 I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental
 functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack

addicts squirting out babies.
  
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it
in English. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that
way. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it
takes two parents. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
  
 I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse
 Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he
 always part of the problem and not the solution.
  
I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is

sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the

 United States.
  
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment
than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing
the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you
haven't begun to be enlightened.
  
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods,
just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.
  

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think
being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't use the
excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or
actions. I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. My
heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled

Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
  
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is
fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
  
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts
now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
  
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty
years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned
any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so
shut up already.
  
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're
running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass

over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
  

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't

want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of
the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your
license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until
  you promise to never delay the rest of us again (amen to that down here

in Florida).

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. I think
tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't
pretend they are a political statement. I think Dr. Seuss was a genius. I'm
neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream
media would like the world to believe otherwise.