Al: " I hate the supermarket.
I always wind up in the 2000 items or
less aisle behind some ugly lady in a mumu and curlers. And
when everything is totaled up, then they go for the check book.
Like it never occured to them that they'd have to pay. And
they always turn around and ask me: 'What's the date?' Like it
matters to me? All they've gotta do is look at the date on the
milk and add one."
Lady: " I want something to go with
this <ugly> dress."
Al: " A bubling cauldron?"
Lady: " You've got a lot of nerve."
Al: " I need it to get this close to your feet."
Al: " Who called Vancouver? Peg,
did your mother get so fat she
spread across the border?"
Fat lady: " It's because of guys
like that that I don't wear
Al: " You sure it wasn't because of the guys with the
Al: " She came out of the kitchen.
Her face was in a jello mold.
Her mumu was split so she could fit into it. Peg, she had no
knees. So I let him live. I thought it was the worst I could
do to him."
Fat Lady: " I need shoes."
Al: " The blacksmith's right around the corner."
Al: " You may wonder why my house
is tilting. Peg's family is in
town. 6 of 'em, 12 if you count her mother."
Fat Librarian: " Could it be that
you don't have the money. Could it be
that you're a failure like I always knew you'd be."
Al: " Could it be that the nails that hold you chair
together are from the planet Krypton."
Fat Librarian: " I could've retired
15 years ago. Do you know why I
Al: " You learned to eat library books."
Fat Librarian: " You've become the
Freddie Krueger of the library
Al: " Does 'suey' mean anything to you?"
Fat Lady: " Your ad said 'Shoes
to fit every foot.'"
Al: " What we have here is not what Webster defines as feet.
Face it, we have rib roasts with nails."
Al: <to the principal>" Think
back when you were little. Roaming the
range with the rest of the water buffalo. Scratching yourself
against a tree."
Fat Lady: " You're in my sun. I'm
trying to get an all-over tan."
Al: " You're asking alot of the sun."
Al: "...Sure women like football before you marry 'em. But
afterwards, the only hike you see is them hicking up their
pants before they weld their backsides to the couch...
and talking about flying wench, let's talk about my mother-in-
law. People overuse the term 'as big as the planet' but try
to imagine everybody you know under one mumu..."
Al: " People who sell shoes
to fat women in skirts should
not have 20/20 vision."
Al: " A fat woman came into the
store and said she was a size 5.
I stuck her hoof into the shoe. My thumb got stuck, she
paniced, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging
me behind. Thank god a stick of butter fell from her purse
and I was able to grease my thumb and escape."
Fat Lady: " I want my money back.
I've worn these shoes only once
and they split at the sides."
Al: " Let me explain. Just like an elevator, there's a 2 ton
weight limit. How about I just nail the soles to the
bottom of your feet to give you added traction while
you're pulling the ice wagon."
Fat Lady: " You'll be hearing from
Al: " Is that the firm of Hagen & Daas?"
Peg: " Mom called. She got on the
scale and it said 380. She's been
374 since high school so she thinks she may be getting fat."
Al: " Maybe there's 6 pounds of food stuck between her teeth."
" Are ye done with my horse?"
Seamus Bundy: " I had to send out for parts to reinforce his feet and
to hang a sign around his neck saying,' I'm with
" You and all the male Bundys will be hated and Lower
Uncton will be forever in darkness."
Seamus Bundy: " What are you going to do? Float overhead."
<Al's with a fat lady named Mrs.
Al: " Mrs Blob..."
Fat Lady: " That's 'Blaub.'"
Al: " I know you're name. It was a descriptive term."
<Al looks for a job>
Al: " I won't take just anything like you at a buffet. What do
you have for me?"
Fat Lady: " Some Mennen Speedstick in my desk."
Al: " Let me give you a tip. It goes underneath your arms if you
can ever get them horizontal."
Al: " This woman came in and she
was so fat she actually had 3 smaller
women orbiting around her."
Al: " Oh, No. Not the 'Sally Struthers
Feed the Thord World' channel.
Sally, open your purse up. I'm sure there's enough Ding Dong's
and Ho Ho's in there to start a new 7-11."
Al: <to fat lady>" Wherever a
fat woman shoves a smelly
foot in a poor guy's face, I'll be there. Wherever a guy tries
to return a pair of shoes he's worn for three months,
I'll be there. Wherever kids come in with old shoes and try to
sneak out with new ones, I'll be there, too . Madam, if Shamu ever
needs a mate, you'll be there."
Fat Lady: " I'm not sure I like
this shade of blue."
Al: " I'll tell you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front
of a mirror. I'll begin strangling you. When you reach
the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell
'moo' and I'll stop."
Fat Lady: " That's it. I'm taking my business elsewhere."
Al: " May I suggest Jenny Craig."
Al: " I'm not selling shoes for
the money, Aaron. I'm in it to torture
Al: " A woman
comes into the shoe store today, so huge she's
protected by Green Peace, and asks for a size 4 shoe. So I
ask if she wants to eat them here or take them home. And she
has the nerve to complaing about my performance."
Fat Woman: "How dare you say that to my face!"
Al:"Well, I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got a half tank of gas!"
Al: "A fat woman clip-clops into the shoe store
today says 'I want
something I can feel comfortable in, so I say 'try Wyoming!'"
Al: "A fat woman sloshed into the show store today.
Said she was
retaining water. I told her not to worry the dam of cellulite
should keep us all safe fot the next few years!!!"
Fat Model: " Do you always go to
work wearing a suit and smelling of
Al: " Do you always go to work wearing curtins and smelling of
Fat Model: " Oh, no, it's the police. What did we do?"
Al: " I don't know. Maybe we missed a truck scale. But on the
positive side, maybe he'll get me out of here before I
turn into a diamond."
Ephram: " It's momma...She's a little
Al: " Of what, a metric ton?"