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ARTICLES:
THE MYSTERY
OF THE MISSING BOND
Case 007: The Mystery of the Missing Bond
Business had been slow the last couple of months, the office was falling apart, the bills were well overduem there hadn't been a case in months. And then, she walked in.... You know how it goes, like in those old detective movies. This was a case of a different kind, to locate the current whereabouts of each of the five James Bonds. Four of the Bonds were found with great ease very early on in the case, but one proved to be very difficult to track down. Read on if you will....
The Mission: Find the five Bonds
The Bond who started it all, Sean Connery is living it up in the Bahamas playing Golf and cards between movies, he's got a new movie "The Extraordinary League of Gentlemen" happing soon. Determining the whereabout of the great scot was no problem.
George Lazenby is accounted for, while our radars had a little trouble pinpointing his excat position, we managned to locate him eventually. He's out in the world in an old van being a hippy, telling anyone within earshot that his Bond stands up well againt the others.
The gallant Roger Moore is devoting his services as a UNICEF ambassador and doing an exellent job, for the most part he has turned his back on acting, but he still pops up for the odd cameo. Currently he's off on yet another UNICEF mission.
Current 007 Pierce Brosnan is once again a father, living in Califoria and getting ready to return as Bond once more in Die Another Day. He's assured us that he wont be hanging up the Bond tuxedo anytime soon.
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Operation: Find Timothy Dalton
But where is Timothy Dalton ?, has he been abducted by aliens ?, has he joined some weird cult that make you wear chickens on your head ?, is he in hiding in an abandoned building wreakage with Kevin McClory, sercetly planning a renegade Bond film. The whereabouts of all the other Bonds is common knowledge, but Dalton, always a private man, is nowhere to be found.
If you have any information leading to the whereabouts of Timothy Dalton, let us know. Have you spotted Dalton when you went shopping ? Leads from a classifield source sent us searching 'Burger King (Hungry Jacks)' Fast Food outlets around the world, but alas we came up empty handed. Further leads and possible clues are scarce, so any information you may have is vital.
Information: The Leads
Our investigations gave us four very plausaible leads, the only question is, which lead should be checked out first ?
1 - Kidnapped by Pirece Brosnan, who has him tied up and gagged in the basement of his Califorina mansion. Brosnan kidnapped Dalton back in '94 and assumed his role as Bond. Dalton is trapped, the chair he's tied up is falling apart in the legs, he's forced to live of the scraps that Brosnan throws into the basement. He tries in vain to make enough noice to attract the attention of the neighbours, but Brosnan casually explains to them 'we have a rat problem'.
2 - His carrer has taken a turn for the worse. Now according to a reliable source, hes stuck with teenagers selling whoppers at Burger King. Most likely to be round back, mopping the bathroom floors, or sevring 'smart mouth' youngsters, who ask for there large cokes 'Shaken not Stirred'.
3 - In an seemingly abandoned shack under the hot Mexico sun, not all is as it seems. Dalton and Kevin McClory are secret developing new plans for an Unoffical Bond movie, titled "Finally Warhead: Yet another Thunderball". George Lazenby is attached to direct.
4 - In Pinewood studios, during Bond shooting, things seem to go wrong. Scripts go missing, cameras disappear, the director gets glued to his chair, little pranks are being played by someone hiding in the shadows, possibly by Dalton, out for revenge, he has become 'The Phantom of the Studio'.
Case Closed, Mission Failed
We searched high and low, all over the world, but alas turned up empty handed. We know your out there somewhere Timothy Dalton, your probably reading this to yourselve and enjoying a silent chuckle, but don't laugh for too long, we'll catch up with you eventually and some day, Case 007 will be marked as a success