A NIGHT AT THE MERCURY
by
Dennis Landmann & Andre Landmann
Based on the Characters created
by
Will Ferrel & Chris Kattan and Steve Koren
UNFINISHED
FADE IN:
EXT. ROXBURY CLUB - NIGHT
DOUG BUTABI and STEVE BUTABI walk up to the entrance of the
Roxbury. A big fella stands in front of them. Steve and Doug
try to get in, but the big fella holds out his arm.
DOUG
Hey!
BIG FELLA
You can't get in unless you're on
the list.
DOUG
We are on the list.
BIG FELLA
What's your names?
DOUG
Doug Butabi.
STEVE
Steve Butabi.
The Big Fella checks his list.
BIG FELLA
Have you ever heard of this one:
"You're not on the list!"
DOUG
There must be a mistake here.
STEVE
Our friend, Mr. Zadir, owns this
club, man.
BIG FELLA
Yeah right. As if Mr. Zadir would
know you two. Get the hell out of
here. Beat the streets.
EXT. MERURY CLUB - NIGHT
Doug and Steve try the entrance of the Mercury Club. A tall
man stands security. Doug and Sreve approach him.
TALL MAN
(holding his hand in
front of them)
Who are you? Are you brothers?
DOUG
No.
A short beat.
DOUG/STEVE
YEESSSSS!
DOUG
So what's the story? Are you
letting us in or what?
TALL MAN
Sorry guys.
DOUG
Hey you. Look at my face. Do you
recognize this face? Huh? I'm Doug
Butabi, man. We own the Inside
Outside Outside Inside Club.
TALL MAN
You gotta be kidding. You too
losers? Nah. You can wait in the
line if you want.
Two nice chicks walk into the club.
STEVE
(to the chicks)
What's up? Gotta number?
TALL MAN
Would you please step aside for...
A Limousine approaches. EMILIO ESTEVEZ, 48, steps out with a
girlfriend.
STEVE
(doesn't believe it)
This isn't happening.
DOUG
(amazed)
Emilio Estevez. EMILIO!
STEVE
(amazed)
EMILIOOO! EMILIOOO!
Emilio walks up to the entrance. He waves at the fans, then
disappears into the club.
TALL MAN
(to Doug)
What's it gonna be? You can't
stand here foerever.
DOUG
(to Steve)
Man. This sucks.
STEVE
Yeah. Why aren't they letting us
in?
DOUG
(to Tall Man)
We'll be back.
TALL MAN
(serious look)
Beat it.
Doug and Steve step away from the tall man as another
Limousine approaches. The door opens and RICHARD GRIECO
exits. He walks with two girls to the tall man. They hand-
shake.
DOUG
(calling after Grieco)
Hey Richard! Richard Grieco!
Grieco turns to see -
GRIECO'S POV - DOUG AND STEVE
Stand in front of the limousine, waving.
BACK TO SCENE
TALL MAN
(re: Doug & Steve)
Those guys say they own the Inside
Outside Outside Inside Club.
GRIECO
(doesn't remember
Doug & Steve)
Wannabe's. You just do your job.
Grieco enters the club.
Doug and Steve walk off.
EXT. RODEO DRIVE/SIDEWALK - NIGHT
Doug and Steve walk down the Rodeo Drive.
DOUG
This is totally not our day, Steve.
STEVE
What's happening here? Don't they
remember us? I mean, you know, are
we just some junkies who were left
behind and nobody remembers us
because...
A nice gal walks by.
STEVE
(continuing)
...What's up? You're outta town?
Gotta number?
DOUG
(stops)
Look, Steve.
Steve stops.
DOUG
(continuing)
We're no junkies. We weren't left
behind. Nobody forgets us. We're
Steve and Doug. Right?
STEVE
You're right, Doug.
DOUG
Of course I am.
They start walking.
STEVE
(realizes)
I think just think we have a bad
night today.
DOUG
That's the way I see it.
STEVE
So? What are we gonna do now?
DOUG
I say we just hang out.
STEVE
But where?
DOUG
We'll check out our club.
STEVE
We've been there already.
DOUG
And we're going again.
WE CRANE UP AND PAN THE BLACK SKY.
FADE OUT:
BLACK SCREEN
DOUG (V.O.)
I'm Doug Butabi.
STEVE (V.O.)
I'm Steve Butabi.
A long beat.
DOUG/STEVE
(laughing)
And we are the Butabi Brothers.
Sweet, man. Let's check it out.
A Title Card fades in: "A NIGHT AT THE MERCURY."
CUT TO:
FADE IN:
EXT. INSIDE OUTSIDE OUTSIDE INSIDE CLUB - NIGHT
Doug and Steve approach the Inside Outside Outside Inside
Club with their Father's Flower Van. They park in a parking
space.
AERIAL SHOT - THE PARKING SPACE
Reads: "RESERVED FOR THE BUTABI BROTHERS."
BACK TO SCENE
Doug exits the Van and walks to MAX. Max is a strong and
kind-of-retarded Door Stander.
DOUG
Keep up the good work, Max.
MAX
What are you to guys doin' here?
DOUG
Checking out the club.
Steve approaches.
MAX
You checked out the club already
today.
DOUG
What's your point Max?
STEVE
Yeah. What's the point of us
checking out the club again?
DOUG
(to Steve; whispering)
Do you wanna get hooked up again?
Steve shakes his head.
DOUG
(continuing)
Just let me talk to him. You'll go
in while I'll distract him.
STEVE
Okay.
Steve walks off suspiciously.
MAX
(noticing Steve isn't
with Doug anymore)
Where's Steve?
DOUG
Steve? Aah? He's away, ah, he's
gone.
MAX
Gone where?
DOUG
Come on, Max. Don't be such a dumb
ass everytime. Just let us in.
MAX
Us? You're alone.
DOUG
(caught)
Forget it, allright. Just forget
what I said. Please, Max. Let me
in and we'll handle the talking
later. Okay?
MAX
(steps to the left)
Okay, Doug.
DOUG
Thanks, Max.
Doug drives past Max. Steve approaches Doug from the side.
STEVE
What did you say to him?
DOUG
That he's a dumb ass.
STEVE
(matter-of-fact)
He is a dumb ass!
MAX (O.S.)
What? Isn't that Steve's voice?
DOUG
(pushes Steve in the
club; to Max)
No, Max. You heard wrong. Later!
CUT TO:
INT. THE INSIDE OUT CLUB - NIGHT
Doug and Steve walk in. Music plays, girls dancing, guys are
at the bar, waitresses serving drinks, etc. It's the perfect
club.
DOUG
This, is what I call a club.
STEVE
One sweet ass club we got here.
WE CATCH MR. ZADIR (50) walking up the stairs to Doug and
Steve.
STEVE
(continuing)
Hey Mr. Zadir. How's it going?
ZADIR
Not to good.
DOUG
Why? What's happening?
ZADIR
Follow me to my office.
DOUG
(to Zadir)
The music is great. What are you
talking about?
ZADIR
Follow me and you'll see what's
going on.
All three walk to Zadir's office.
INT. MR. ZADIR'S SWEET OFFICE - NIGHT
This is the most sexiest office you have ever seen. Pictures,
flowers, colorful walls, the rug, furniture, and last but not
least is the desk. This one has everything on it.
Mr. Zadir enters first. Followed by Doug and Steve.
Mr. Zadir sits down. Doug and Steve recline on the couch --
that is directly in front of the desk.
MR. ZADIR
I hate to tell you this, but the
club is going down.
They take this in.
DOUG
No way.
MR. ZADIR
Yes way.
STEVE
Weak, man.
DOUG
Why is the club going down? I
don't get it.
(beat)
You're joking aren't ya. Ha, I
gotcha. Good one. You almost got
me hanging from the roof, man. I
was worried there for a second.
(beat)
So what's up!?
Doug doesn't get it.
MR. ZADIR
Doug, I'm going down. I'm not
joking. This is serious shit. Now
I don't know when the end is gonna
hit me, but I'm sure it will be
soon. Now, this is where you two
come in.
STEVE
What's up with us?
MR. ZADIR
You have to help me.
They want to help him, but don't know how.
MR. ZADIR
(continuing; beat)
Doug. Steve. Are you guys
following me. I'm going down. This
business is hard. The competition
is killing me.
DOUG
Competition?
(beat)
You mean other clubs are better
than this club?
MR. ZADIR
Yes, Doug. And we need to find out
which clubs make the best money.
Which clubs are the best.
STEVE
(offers help gladly)
So how can we help you?
MR. ZADIR
You can help me if you find out
all those things we need to know.
If we know all that stuff we need
to know, we can make this club
better. We can make my other clubs
better. We could make it to number
one.
DOUG
That sounds good.
STEVE
Sweet.
MR. ZADIR
Sweet, indeed. Now this is your
mission, guys.
The door BURSTS open. DOOEY (35) steps in.
DOOEY
Hey Boss.
MR. ZADIR
Hey Dooey. How's it going?
DOOEY
I'm fine. I just need to tell you
something.
MR. ZADIR
(funny)
What's that?!
A moment passes. Zadir thinks, smiles, laughs.
MR. ZADIR
(continuing)
Ahh, you grabbed my ass, didn't
you. You scottish bastard, you.
Dooey forces a smile.
DOOEY
Yes, yes. But there's something
else.
Zadir thinks, smiles, laughs.
MR. ZADIR
You want to grab my ass!?
Doug and Steve laugh with Zadir.
Dooey closes the door gently. Steps up to Zadir.
DOOEY
(not smiling)
No!
Zadir looks at him, blind.
MR. ZADIR
(blank face)
What is it?
DOOEY
(sudden; ice cold)
I quit.
Zadir takes it in. Looks Dooey in the eye. Meets ice.
MR. ZADIR
Why, Dooey? Why are you letting me
down now that I need you the most?!
Doug and Steve watch them. They're kinda happy. But don't
show it. At least they "try" not to -- which isn't working.
DOOEY
"The Mercury" gave me a better
job. I get more money. I get to be
the manager of the Mercury. And
you know why this place sucks --
MR. ZADIR
(disappointed)
Why?
Dooey is enraged. He's smelly.
DOOEY
It sucks because you are a piece
of shit. You are the scottish
bastard. I'm not scottish. I'm
Canadian.
MR. ZADIR
Don't get upset, Dooey. It's fine.
No need to be angry.
DOOEY
No need to be angry my ass. I'll
start off new. I get a new job,
and you sure as fuck are not going
to frikkin' blow it for me.
Zadir eyes Dooey's ice cold look.
MR. ZADIR
(has enough of him)
Fuck you, Dooey. Get the hell out
of here.
Dooey does. He races to the door. Opens it. Shows Zadir and
the Butabi brothers the finger, and disappears out of the
office.
Mr. Zadir looks at the door. Then to Doug and Steve.
MR. ZADIR
(continuing)
Fuckers like these are never
welcomed here. I should've
realized his behavior earlier, but
I never did.
DOUG
Right on, man.
(stands)
I'll follow him and kick his ass.
(to Steve)
Come on, we'll kick his ass.
MR. ZADIR
(mad speech)
It's allright, Doug. I will worry
about that. I will kick his ass.
Let me kick his ass. He always
grabbed my ass so this time I will
grab his ass. Not only will I grab
his ass, I will personally kick
his ass by grabbing it and kicking
it so hard he'll start cryin'. Not
to mention that I'm very good in
ass-kicking. No. No. I'm gonna rip
his ass open with a toothbrush and
start rubbin' it in until it's all
stored in his ass. Then I will
take my foot and shove it, I mean
shove it really good up his ass
which I already told ya, is ripped
'cuz I put a fuckin' toothbrush in
it. Then when I shoved it up his
ass, I will leave it there for a
couple of minutes so his a-hole
can't and won't never ever close
again. My shoe size being
fourteen, I think I can accomplish
that. For the final part of my
journey here, if I can call it
that, I will take my foot out.
Shake off the crap from his ass.
And believe me it stinks badly, I
once had to smell it, it was
terrible. Don't ever go near Dooey
once I kicked his ass that bad.
You know the story. It's painfull.
Don't ever go near him after I did
it because he might just go after
you and do the same thing to you
I did to him. Ya watch out.
(stands)
You got to excuse me. I have a job
to do. While I'm gone, you're
gonna watch out for the club, ya
hear. It won't take long, I hope.
But if it does, don't worry about
me, I'll just be kickin' his ass.
Doug and Steve are stunned at Zadir's short speech right here.
A moment passes.
MR. ZADIR
(continuing)
Okay, now that Dooey isn't here
anymore, you'll get his job.
A moment passes.
DOUG/STEVE
Sweet.
They high five. They are assistants now -- or something.
MR. ZADIR
Welcome to the Roxbury. Enjoy
every part of it.
DOUG/STEVE
Sweet.
CUT TO:
INT ZADIR'S LIMO - NIGHT
Doug, Steve, and Zadir are in the Limo. In the front sits the
new driver --
He sticks his head into the back of the Limo.
It is Max.
MAX
Mr. Zadir, where are we going
tonight?
MR. ZADIR
The Roxbury.
MAX
(turns back to
driving)
Allrighty.
Zadir pushes a button near the door and the window to the
driver's cabin closes. A black window. On the window is
written in white letters: "Zadir Corporations."
EXT ROXBURY CLUB - NIGHT
Steve, Doug, and Mr. Zadir get out of the limo and into the
place. The Roxbury. The limo pulls away.
INT ROXBURY CLUB - NIGHT
They are inside. They move through the dancing crowd and
toward Mr. Zadir's table.
MR. ZADIR'S TABLE
They sit down, laughing. Doug looks behind himself and sees
a HOTTY passing by. His head follows her to the bar.
DOUG
I'll be back.
He takes off.
BAR -
The Hotty sits alone with a drink in her hand.
DOUG
(continuing)
What's up.
HOTTY
What do you want?
DOUG
(silly laugh)
What do I want? I want to talk to
you. Get you hot. Dance with you.
What do you say about we go
dancing.
HOTTY
Who the hell are you?
DOUG
(taken aback)
I'm Doug.
HOTTY
So.
DOUG
So? You out of town?
HOTTY
Yeah, how'd you know?
Doug makes a face "I just know it baby."
HOTTY
(continuing)
I'm from Toronto.
DOUG
Me too.
TO BE CONTINUED...