THE DYEING ROUTINE

ABBOTT: You’d better take that suit over to my Uncle Herman’s, At the Kurt Dry Cleaning Plant.
COSTELLO: Dry Cleaning Plant? What’s your Uncle Herman doing there?
ABBOTT: Well this is Wednesday, He’s dyeing today.
COSTELLO: That’s Terrible Abbott, I didn’t even know he was sick.
ABBOTT: Oh, He isn’t sick, he’s dyeing.
COSTELLO: He’s dying  and he isn’t sick?
ABBOTT: That’s right, if he was sick he couldn’t dye.
COSTELLO: Why not?
ABBOTT: Well it’s against the rules of the cleaning plant.
COSTELLO: You mean they wouldn’t let him die if he’s sick.
ABBOTT: That’s right. If a man is sick they wont let him into the place to dye.
COSTELLO: What do they do leave him out in the alley?
ABBOTT: Oh no no no! He cant dye in the alley.
COSTELLO: He can’t?
ABBOTT: No, if he wants to dye he has to go up seven floors.
COSTELLO: He’s got to die on the seventh floor?
ABBOTT: Well certainly.
COSTELLO: Is there any elevator in the place?
ABBOTT: No.
COSTELLO: The nerve of the people!
ABBOTT: What do you mean?
COSTELLO: Making a poor man climb seven floors to die! Why don’t they send him home?
ABBOTT: Because his wife wont let him dye in the house.
COSTELLO: Wife don’t?
ABBOTT: She don’t want him dyeing in the house.
COSTELLO: She don’t?
ABBOTT: No.
COSTELLO: He might as well go crawl under a rock. Imagine a guy can’t even die in his own house.
ABBOTT: No no, if there’s any dyeing to be done around the house, his wife does it.
COSTELLO: You mean his wife has got to die too?
ABBOTT: Certainly.
COSTELLO: Abbott, what are you trying to do bump off the whole family?
ABBOTT: Oh, keep quiet.
COSTELLO: I’m going to bring Uncle Herman to my house to die.
ABBOTT: Oh, he couldn’t dye at your house.
COSTELLO: And why couldn’t he die at my house?
ABBOTT: Because you have no dye.
COSTELLO: You gotta have dye to die?
ABBOTT: Costello would you pay attention! I’m trying to tell you that Uncle Herman has to dye so he                                              
could live.
COSTELLO: Well naturally…..What was that?
ABBOTT: I said my Uncle Herman has to dye to live. If he doesn’t dye he can’t eat.
COSTELLO: You mean he eats after he dies?
ABBOTT: Well certainly, he dyes for a while then he eats. Then he dyes again then he eats some more.
COSTELLO: Must be the food that’s killing him!!! He must be eating at your Backstage joint.
ABBOTT: No no no you idiot!! A man has to eat if he stands up all day dyeing.
COSTELLO: You mean he has to stand up to die?
ABBOTT: Naturally, did you ever hear of anybody lying down to dye?
COSTELLO: All the people I ever knew. They use the standard way.
ABBOTT: No no no, he can’t lie down on the job. He’s got to be through dyeing by six o’clock. If he dyes      
after six he gets time and a half.
COSTELLO: You mean he gets paid for dying? 
ABBOTT: Oh sure, It’s piece work.
COSTELLO: He dies a piece at a time?
ABBOTT: Look you idiot, when I say Uncle Herman is dyeing, I don’t mean that he’s dying like a person 
dies when he dies. I mean he’s dyeing for a living and a person that dyes for a living is living even though 
that he’s dyeing!
COSTELLO: When you  say that Uncle Herman is dyeing, you don’t mean that he’s dying like a person 
dies when he dies. You mean he’s dyeing for a living and a person that dyes for a living is living even 
though that he’s dyeing!
ABBOTT: Now you’ve got it.
COSTELLO: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Transcribed by David Turbide