Revision Date: December 14, 2001. 100% complete: December 13, 2001.
Episode Sypnopsis: Cartman salvages a load of aborted fetuses from a horrible truck accident and uses them to market the stem cell research industry. Meanwhile, Kenny becomes sick, and this becomes one of the first episodes where one would actually care about the fact that he's dead. (Episode airdate: December 5, 2001)
EST. EXT. Abortion Clinic- "Unplanned Parenthood"
INT. Abortion Clinic- "Unplanned Parenthood" -Lab Room
Here we see a woman getting ready to give up her child. A doctor walks in.
Alright, Miss Anders, all ready for your abortion?
(O.S.) laugh track
WOMAN
Ready as I'm going to be, I guess.
(O.S) laugh track
DOCTOR
Well try to relax, it'll all be over very soon.
(O.S) laugh track
Doctor, can we turn off that television?
Oh, yes, I'm sorry.
Now there is one more thing.
WOMAN
What?
DOCTOR
Have you heard of stem cell research?
WOMAN
I've heard of it on the news, but I don't know what it is.
DOCTOR
Well, a lot of amazing studies have shown that stem cells have been used to fight cancer and a myriad of other diseases. Right now a lot of stem cells come from the tissue of aborted fetuses...I'm sorry, unwanted children. And if you sign a release, that tissue can go to study.
WOMAN
Oh well, I suppose it could help others.
DOCTOR
The hope is someday it might.
Okay.
Well, here we go.
We hear some gross mechanical noises coming from the exam room, supposedly the abortion being done, but it's just a vacuum cleaner and its user passing by. Doctor pops out of exam room door.
DOCTOR
Nurse!
Nurse walks in.
This is to go to Alder's Lab for stem-cell research.
NURSE
Yes, doctor.
INT. Abortion Clinic- "Unplanned Parenthood" -EMPLOYEES ONLY Room
She then puts double contains the sample in two biohazardous material containers.
EXT. Abortion Clinic- "Unplanned Parenthood"
An Alder Research Group truck backs up into the clinic. Two employees load multiple samples into the truck, close the door, and signal the trucker its okay to move. The truck drives off.
EXT. Rural Road- Snowing
The trucker sings along with Willie Nelson on the radio. A deer suddenly jumps in the truck's path.
OH JESUS!!
Hm? What do we have he-ea?
Here we see Stan, Kyle and Kenny watching something burn.
Well that burned a long time.
KYLE
Yeah, that was pretty good.
Oh, dude, there goes one.
K, go.
You've had that cough a while, Kenny. You okay?
KENNY
Mm mmmm mmm. (Oh yeah, I'm fine.)
BUTTERS (O.S)
Hey fellas, uh, hey fellas!
STAN
What Butters?
BUTTERS
Eric says you've gotta come to his house right away.
STAN
Tell him we're busy.
BUTTERS
Oh, uh, he'd know you'd say that so he told me that you guys don't wanna miss it.
KYLE
What?! Did he lose 100 pounds?!!
BUTTERS
Yeah, yeah, he'd knew you'd say that too, so he said, say, uh, "Up your ass, too."
Yeah.
STAN
Alright, let's go see what he wants.
Ohhh, it's all stiiiccky.
EST. EXT. Cartman's House
INT. Cartman's House - Living Room
Cartman is bright eyed as the other 3 boys enter, stage right.
Alright, Cartman, what's so important that you had to pull us away from lighting cow crap on fire?
CARTMAN
Oh, you guys, you're not gonna believe it!!
STAN
What?
CARTMAN
Guess what I have sitting in my backyard...
KYLE
A trampoline?
CARTMAN
Better...
STAN
A boat?
CARTMAN
Better...
KENNY
Mm mmmm mmmmm?
CARTMAN
Better...
STAN
Then what Cartman?!
CARTMAN
33 aborted fetuses!
Oh yeah...
What.
CARTMAN
Mint-condition, tax-free.
STAN (pissed)
Cartman, what the hell are you doing with aborted fetuses?!
KYLE (pissed)
I'm leaving, right now.
Oh, I guess you never watch the news, Kyle!
KYLE
You never watch the new, Fatass! And what the hell does that have to do with anything?!
CARTMAN (pissed)
Stem cells, Numb-nuts!
STAN (confused)
Stem cells?
KYLE (smug)
Oh, and what do you know about stem cells?
KENNY
Mm mmmm mmm mmm mmmm? (What the f*** are stem cells?)
KYLE
They're cells, come from fetuses, and some research shows that it could be used to treat diseases.
CARTMAN
Its been proven, JEW! I saw it on 3-2-1 Contact. With all the research that's going on, stem cells are worth three times their weight in gold. What I have in my backyard is an aborted treasure chest.
KYLE (calm)
I hate you so much.
CARTMAN
Fine! I don't need you assholes! I could sell all these fetuses all on my own!
EST. EXT. Cartman's House
INT. Cartman's House - Cartman's Room
Cartman's on the phone.
Hello? Is this the University of Colorado Biology Department?...Great. I understand you are doing research on stem cells?...Cool, because I'm currently possessing of, uh, some aborted fetuses, you looking to unload?...And how much do you pay?...No, no, c'mon, I've got a guy at Cleveland who'd give me $80 a pound right now...How about a hundred?...Eh, you're breakingmyballs, uh, I'll think about it.
???? Medical Group? Yeah, I called earlier about the stem cells and the fetuses...Okay, hi Randy, yeah...oh yes, they've been kept in a cold temperature. These are primo fetuses, Randy, I wouldn't jerk you around...So what could your company give me for 'em?...Oh, Randy, you're breakingmyballs here. Breakingmyballs, Randy.
On the phone with Chuck...
Ohhh, please. Okay, you tell me where you could get aborted fetuses for 70 cents on the dollar? You tell me, Chuck...Yeah I didn't think so, you know I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck, I wasn't born yesterday either...Uh-huh...So you're gonna talk to me, or are we gonna keep bull[bleep]ing each other?...Breakingmyballs, Chuck.
I've gotta unload these fetuses, you've gotta do some research, are we talking here or what; you're breakingmyballs...I'll tell you, if you let this pass you by, you're making a fetal mistake... (covers phone, chuckles in audience's direction)...a hundred ten? Alright, alright, we've got a deal. K, bye.
Damn, I'm good.
INT. ARG - Lobby
Scientists swarm the lobby, as Cartman, stage left, pulls in his fetuses on a red wagon towards a receptionist
RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you?
CARTMAN
Yes, I'm making a delivery of these fetuses, he-ea.
RECEPTIONIST
Oh, right, the fetuses, we were very lucky you called, our last shipment of fetuses was lost in a truck accident.
CARTMAN (some sarcasm)
Oh, gee, that's terrible, (normal again) so who do I talk to about payment?
DOCTOR
This is awful, just awful!
RECEPTIONIST
Oh, Larry, this man has the new fetuses for research.
CARTMAN
You're gonna love these fetuses, Larry, they're top-notch.
DOCTOR
Oh, I'm sorry, but we can't buy those from you now.
CARTMAN
WHAT?! We made a deal, Larry! I brought them all the way down here, aigh-eighty!
DOCTOR
I'm afraid the government has just put a ban on stem cell research.
RECEPTIONIST
A ban?! Why?!
DOCTOR
Too many people are upset about using aborted fetal tissue for study. It's too bad, too...We really could've helped a lot of people.
Doctor walks away, stage right.
CARTMAN
Ay! WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE THINGS, HUH!??! GODDAMMIT!!!
EST. EXT. South Park Elementary - Front
INT. South Park Elementary - Ms. Choksondik's Classroom
Stan and Kyle enter the room, stage left, and go to their seats.
Hey, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again.
KYLE
Yeah, they're gonna get busted again!
Ms. Choksondik enters the classroom, stage right.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright class, let's take our seats. Now before we get started, Stan and Kyle, uh, the principal needs to see you in her office.
STAN
The principal?! Oh c'mon!
KYLE
We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik!
MS. CHOKSONDIK (reinforcing)
She needs to see you now!
KYLE
Ah man, here we go again: use the Jew as a scapegoat!
INT. South Park Elementary - Principal Victoria's office.
Music cuts off at a drumroll, as something obviously important has happened, since we see a big meeting of the principal, Counselor Mackey, Chef, and Stan's and Kyle's parents, with eyes in horror.
Hello, boys.
Wait. What's going on here?
KYLE
Aight, we don't know for sure why Cartman's ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know.
MR. MACKEY
You didn't do anything wrong, boys, we just need to talk to you; have a seat.
...and well, he's pretty sick.
KYLE
Kenny's sick?
STAN
Well how sick?
CHEF
Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a...terminal disease.
But...the doctors are gonna make his better, right?
SHARRON
Oh, dear.
Mo-om? That's what hospitals are for; they can make him better.
SHARRON
Randy...
RANDY
They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means...well son...that means he's going to heaven.
KYLE
Wait. Kenny's going to die?!
GEROLD (soooo unassuring)
He might, Kyle.
But...he's our f-f-friend.
MR. MACKEY
We know. Now that's why we need you guys to be strong for him, mmkay. He needs you now, more than ever.
STAN
No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die...!!!
-----COMMERCIAL BREAK-----
INT. Cartman's House - Cartman's Room
Cartman's on the phone again.
C'mon Jack. You've gotta be able to offer me more than that. Yes, I realize there's a ban on stem cell research, but I've got some thirty-some odd human fetuses in my backyard. I'm sure there's other researcher companies that can deal with it...You'll take one? Okay, how much for one?...Oh, Jack, you're breakingmyballs here, Jack.
Yes, hello, is this Captain Bly's seafood restaurant?...Yeah, hi, I've got a shipment of, uh, about 31 of the most succulent shrimp from the West Indies...These are killer shrimp, Gary, your customers are gonna love 'em. What kinda price you pay for shrimp?...Oh, Gary, you're breakingmyballs, Gary. How about ten-and-a-quarter?...Oh, Gary, breaking-em...Alright, I'll call you back.
Sweetie, your friends are downstairs, they need to see you.
CARTMAN
Not now, ma, I've only unloaded three fetile, gotta sell the rest before they spoil.
MS. CARTMAN
They said it's an emergency.
CARTMAN
Eh, alright. Butters?
BUTTERS
Yeah?
CARTMAN
You through databasing the pie-and-tell sheet?
BUTTERS
Yeah, just about.
CARTMAN
Alright, you've gotta take over this telemarketing for a bit.
BUTTERS
Oh, okay.
CARTMAN
Remember what I taught you, follow protocol; the next number to try is on the list.
BUTTERS
Right.
BUTTERS (cont'd)
Uh, hello? Is, uh, this Mr. Thompson with Anatomy Research?...Yes, uh, hello sir. Uh, we have a surplus of unborn fetuses that we think you could use for dissection study...Uh huh, now how much you pay for that?...(stressed, unlike Cartman) You're breaking my balls...I said "You're breaking my balls," Mr. Thompson. M-my balls.
Sheila Broflowski, Kyle, and a down-faced Stan are awaiting Cartman.
What is this? A PTA meeting?
KYLE
Cartman...Kenny's in the hospital.
CARTMAN
In-in the hospital? Why?
KYLE
They told us he has a muscular disease. And that, and that...he might die...
CARTMAN
Die? Kenny?!
STAN
Don't you say that! Kenny's not gonna die!
SHEILA
I'm going to take the boys to go see him at the hospital, Eric. We thought you might wanna come?
CARTMAN
Yeah. Yeah, of course. Let me get my coat.
Cartman goes upstairs.
EST. EXT. Hells Pass Hospital
INT. Hells Pass Hospital - Kenny's Hospital Room
While the dramatic music is still consistent, a doctor is tending to a respirator in Kenny's room, where it is decorated with get-well-soon items.
DOCTOR
There we go, little buddy.
KENNY
Mm mmmm. (Thank you.)
DOCTOR
You sure you don't wanna take your jacket off? It's pretty warm.
KENNY
Mm mmmm. ([Inaudible, No thanks?])
Look who has some visitors?
DOCTOR
Well, what a lucky little man. We'll be right outside if you need us, kid.
Hey, dude, how's it going?
KENNY
Mm mmm mmm mmm. (I'm fine and you?)
CARTMAN
We brought you a present. It's a Gobo fighter.
KYLE
Don't tell him what it is, dude.
CARTMAN
Heh, sssorry.
Hey, we were just talkin' about how, when you get better, we're all gonna go down to Stark's Pond and go camping. Huh, Stan?
STAN
I --
EXT. Hells Pass Hospital Kyle catches up to Stan as the dramatic music becomes sadder, in the tone you'd find in a soap opera.
Stan? Stan, where're you going?
STAN
I-I can't. I just can't.
KYLE
Dude, he needs us right now.
STAN
I can't see like that, Kyle: all those hoses and wires...He's a kid, dude, he's supposed to be running around, laughing.
KYLE
I know its tough, but...
Look at me!
I know its tough, okay? I know. But we have to be tough right now.
STAN
So what are we supposed to do, huh?! Stand in that room and keep making small talk?! Making believe that everything's okay?! I can't do it!
KYLE
Look! However you think how hard it is for you, its a lot harder for him!
STAN (fighting back tears)
Just leave me alone!!
KYLE
Stan, you can't leave!
STAN
I'm not the one who's leaving, (pointing in Kenny's / hospital's direction) HE IS!
INT. Hells Pass Hospital - Kenny's Hospital Room
Cartman is at Kenny's bedside, chatting with him.
You know, its funny, Kenny. Stan and Kyle have always sort of been two best friends. You know and...well I don't know if I ever told you this, Kenny, but, I always kinda thought that you were my best f-f-friend...I don't know.
KENNY
Mmmm mmmm m mmm mm. (Cartman, you're my best friend too.)
NURSE
Okay, its time to give Kenny some time to sleep now.
CARTMAN
Don't you worry, Kenny. I'm gonna find a cure for you. Everything's gonna be okay!
The nurse leaves. Cartman exits and closes the door behind him. He sniffles, and cries against the door. Kyle enters the hall, stage right.
KYLE
Cartman?
CARTMAN (forcefully trying to be his strong a-hole self)
Oh, Kyle, hey, what's going down, Jew-boy?
KYLE
Cartman, are you crying?
CARTMAN
No, no I mean I've got something in my eye...the air in here...oh...(can't fight it anymore, and starts sobbing).
KYLE
Hey, Cartman.
I care a lot about him too...
They exchange glances for a few seconds, then embrace in a hug and cry together.
CARTMAN (hard to say, through tears)
I'm gonna find a cure, Kyle. I swear to God, I WILL find a cure!
KYLE
Sure you will Cartman. Sure you will.
EST. EXT. ARG
INT. ARG - Lobby
Cartman and the doctor who rejected him after the deal enter, stage left.
This is where both of our stem cell research was being done, but due to the government ban, we're mostly just packing things up.
CARTMAN
Doctor, can you tell me exactly how stem cells work?
DOCTOR
Look, you have trillions of cells in your body. Heart cells, skin cells, brain cells, and so on. But before a cell is designated as a toenail cell or a pancreas cell, its what we call a stem cell. Sort of like a blank cell. Do you understand?
CARTMAN
Not at all, but go on.
DOCTOR
Because these cells are blanks, they will often program themselves based on what the cells are around them. You see this rat? Earlier this year, we surgically removed the middle of her spine. Then we injected her with some stem cells and...they became the missing part of her spine.
CARTMAN
Oh, my God.
DOCTOR
Nerve cells damaged by Parkinson's disease or heart tissue of cardiac patients might ultimately be replaced by tissue grown from stem cells.
CARTMAN
So then...
CARTMAN (cont'd)
...could stem cells be used on someone whose muscle tissue is wasting away? In other words, if a little boy was dying from a muscular disease, the stem cells could become new muscle tissue.
DOCTOR
That's the theory.
CARTMAN
Well, so then, if the stem cells were placed next to a Shakey's Pizza, they would become another Shakey's Pizza! And you would have your own Shakey's Pizza where you didn't have to charge yourself to eat!!
DOCTOR
Well, no, to build another Shakey's Pizza, it would be better to use lumber.
CARTMAN
Hmm...
DOCTOR
But, unfortunately the government has banned stem cell research, so we'll never know.
CARTMAN
Well it looks like somebody's gonna have to try to change the government's mind.
Where are you going?
Cartman turns around. Heroic music starts.
There's a pretty brave kid fighting for his life in the hospital right now, doctor. I'm gonna give him some better body parts.
Hey, kid.
Give 'em hell. Give 'em hell.
Oh, and doctor?
Thanks. Thanks.
Oh, hey, kid.
Good luck. Good luck.
Oh and doctor...oh never mind.
-----COMMERCIAL BREAK-----
INT. Hells Pass Hospital - Kenny's Hospital Room
Kyle, Kenny's parents, and Chef are visiting.
...and see, here's one from Butters, it says "I can't wait to see you back to school, Kenny," and it has a picture of him and you in a little airplane.
CHEF
Oh, isn't that nice. You've got lots of friends, don't you Kenny?
KENNY
(sickly cough) Mmmm mmm mmm. (And what about Stan?)
KYLE
Stan? Oh, well, no there's nothing here from Stan, but, but Stan's gonna come so you here real soon, I bet, Kenny.
KENNY
Mmm mm mm. (I hope so.)
Hey, look who's here?
KENNY
Mmmmm. (Stan?!)
Hello, Kenny, I'm Laura Jones, and this is Bob Ferren.
MAWF GUY
And we're with the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
KENNY'S MOM
Oh, Kenny, isn't that nice?
KENNY
Mmmm mmmm mmm. (Make-A-Wish-Foundation?)
MAWF GIRL
We travel the country giving special little boys and girls like you the biggest wish.
KYLE
Neat, huh, Kenny?
KENNY
Mmmmm. (Yeah!)
MAWF GIRL
So, Kenny, if you could have ooooonnnne wish, what would it be?
What's your wish, pal?
KENNY
Mmmmmm mmmm mmm. ([Inaudible, but to be clarified])
MAWF GIRL
What did he say?
KYLE
He said his wish is not to die.
O....kay...And what if you had two wishes? What would the second one be?
I know, I bet, you'd like to meet Madonna, huh?
KENNY
(5.8 seconds of inaudible mumbling, to be clarified by Kyle later)
MAWF GUY
Wh-what was that?
KYLE
He said that Madonna is an old anorexic whore, who would've been dead years ago, and now that she suddenly speaks with a British accent, and she thinks she could play the guitar, and she should go f[bleep] herself.
Should I come in now?
MAWF GUY
Ah, uh, not quite yet.
We find Stan reminiscing about Kenny. The memory of lighting cow crap on fire with him seems to be the case, as a passer-byer cow takes a dump, and Stan does what he did. Sad music starts and Chef walks in to meet him.
Hello, there, children.
STAN
Hey, Chef.
CHEF
How's it going?
STAN
Bad.
CHEF
Yeah, things have been better.
STAN
Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my f-f-friend. WHY CAN'T GOD TAKE SOMEONE ELSE'S F-F-FRIEND?
| CHEF (sighs) Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us because it makes Him feel better about Himself. He's a very vengeful God, He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so He just doesn't care who He takes; children, puppies, it don't matter to Him, so long as it makes us sad. You understand? |  |
STAN
So why does God give us anything to start with?
CHEF
Well put it this way: If you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollypop, then you take it away. But if you didn't give it a lollypop to begin with, then you wouldn't have nothing to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so he could tear it all away and make us cry, so he could convince enough with our tears. You see, its our tears, Stan, that give God His great Power.
STAN
I think I understand.
INT. THE CAPITOL BUILDING - That speech giving place
Cartman stands before Congress.
My name is Eric Cartman and I live in Colorado. My best friend in the whole world is Kenny McCormick, and he's sick right now. Real sick. He's only eight years old and the doctors don't think he has long to live. Look, I realize using the tissue from aborted fetuses for research is a touchy subject, but, all I know is if there's a chance...a chance that stem cell research could save my best friend's life, but I guess I owe it all to him to change your mind. I love Kenny McCormick, and I (starts crying) want you to love him!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm not the best speaker in the world. Maybe I could put it best in the words of a touchy song.
CARTMAN (singing)
It was the heat of the moment / Telling me what my heart meant / The heat of the moment showed in your eyes!
I never meant to be so bad to you / One thing I said I would never do.
CONGRESSMAN 1 (joining in)
A look from you and I would fall from grace/
CONGRESSMAN 2 (joining in)
And it would wipe the smile right from my face.
Do you remember when we used to dance / And incidents arose from circumstance / One thing led to another we were young / And we would scream together songs unsung.
It was the heat of the moment / Telling me what my heart meant / The heat of the moment showed in your eyes....
-----COMMERCIAL BREAK-----
Cartman, dressed well, stands in front of the abortion clinic with a clipboard talking to a pregnant woman.
And so you see, now that the ban on stem cell research has been lifted, we can sell the fetuses to companies to save some lives.
PREGNANT WOMAN 1
Oh, I don't know.
CARTMAN
Look, I can offer you 75 dollars for that fetus right now, Jill.
PREGNANT WOMAN 1
75 dollars? Well, alright.
CARTMAN
Great, just sign right here, please.
Hi, having an abortion today? Great, listen, if you're abortion for research, I'm offering, uh, 75 dollars. Help you out with your medical bill and ne-ah. You could sign right here.
CARTMAN
Excuse me, ma'am, can I interest you in selling your aborted fetus?
PREGNANT WOMAN 3
We're not going to the abortion clinic, I'm gonna have this baby.
CARTMAN
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, since there's a little boy dying in the hospital right now, who could surely use that baby more that you could. The stem cells from your fetus could help save his life.
HUSBAND
Oh, I guess we could always just make another one.
PREGNANT WOMAN 3
Oh, Mark, I love you.
Alright!! Now Kenny has a fighting chance!
Stan, along with cheerful music, and a cheery face, enters the front of the hospital with a gift for Kenny. He was finally convinced to pay him a visit. He walks past a receptionist.
RECEPTIONIST
Young man, do you know where you're going?
STAN (enthusiasm)
Yeah! I'm gonna see my friend! And he needs me right now!
RECEPTIONIST
Alright!
PASSERBY PATIENT IN WHEELCHAIR (happy tone)
Go, kid!
PASSERBY PATIENT ON CRUTCHES (happy tone)
Good for you!
INT. Hells Pass Hospital - Kenny's Hospital Room
Hey Kenny!!
Oh no....no....
KYLE
He just...he just...stopped breathing. And it was over...
STAN
But...I didn't get to see him...
...I-I didn't get to say goodbye. Did he say anything before he went?
KYLE
He just said..."Where's Stan?"
FADE-IN INT. Church
As the camera goes down from the top of the church, as Mr. Garrison speaks during Kenny's funeral.
...and so, we will all miss/
MR. GARRISON
/Kenny, his playful laughter, his innocent smile. But we will never forget that it was because of brave Kenny, that stem cell research was allowed to continue.
I let Kenny down. I'm his worst f-f-friend.
You guys! Come quick!
KYLE
What, Cartman?
CARTMAN (while doing a 360 degree spin)
It's, why it's a miracle, you guys!
Stan and Kyle follow Cartman out.
EXT. South Park Street
We see a very giddy (yes, giddy, no other words to describe it) Cartman as Stan and Kyle enter stage left.
What Cartman, what's happened?!
CARTMAN
Look!
I put the stem cells from all the fetuses I had next to Shakey's, and they are replicating a new Shakey's! It worked!
This whole time, you were using Kenny's illness to lift the ban on stem cell research, so you could sell your stupid fetuses?!
CARTMAN
Stupid fetuses?! It's my own Shakey's
KYLE
I actually hugged you...I held you in my arms and-and cried with you...
CARTMAN
I figured I only need a hundred or so aborted babies, and I could finish up the kitchen.
KYLE
Aaaahh!!
CARTMAN
Aahh! Kyle?! Hey, stop. Kyle?!!
STAN
Hey, I wasn't Kenny's worst f-f-friend. Cartman was!
