But every man is not only himself; he is also the unique, particular, always significant and remarkable point where the phenomena of the world intersects once and for all and never again. That is why every man's story is important, eternal, sacred, and why every man while he lives and fulfulls the will of nature is a wonderful creature, deserving the utmost attention. In each individual the spirit is made flesh, in each one the whole of creation suffers, in each on a Saviour is crucified.
Herman Hesse
Demian
Thanks for your interest Victoria IlgacsTHIS POETRY WAS COMPOSED THROUGHOUT MY LIFE FROM THE ANGST OF MY TEENS RIGHT THROUGH TO THE SERENITY OF MID-LIFE DARKNESS INTO LIGHT WISHING TO DIE TO A DESIRE TO LIVE NAIVETY AND INNOCENCE TO WORLDLINESS AND UNDERSTANDING IT HAS BEEN QUITE A JOURNEY AT TIMES AND OCCASIONALLY I STILL FALL BACK DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE BARE FEET close my eyes sun rays warm me hair is playing in the wind breath in deeply, out so slowly sea sounds, waters cool my feet eyes open, all spills out before me summer gone, winds become fierce the waters frozen my strength has gone also i will wait for a new time ************* Hidden away Until a future day You will come out to play But to your dismay I will have hidden myself away ************* SUICIDE the love I have I give all hate I take with me my feather pillow, which through the years of love and hate, held all the tears I sleep on you one last time ************* WHYYYYYYYYY? I saw the answers lying there then all was gone with but one stare I am confused not a bit amused once again I would have to choose I would ask you now to go away no need have I for you to stay your draining stare tells me that now I must beware to some dark secluded place no longer can I see your face one thing I know I must now go before all fear begins to show goodbye I say friends to this day ************* DOUBLE THE PATROL Oh how the silvery moon when it grows so full penetrates my being and dances upon my nerves It does not matter where I am I hear it calling me to play as its hand touches mine waves of energy flow causing me to skip and run for nigh five days or until my friends fullness disappears One day I will harness your gift (if that it may be) to me for good intent and purpose ************* MARVELOUS MAX Your crescent moonbeam smile shows us happiness. Your tiny reaching hands caress shapes most take for granted. Your arms reach out for a love we all must have for growth. Your tiny feet search for a place to stand among the many. Your all seeing eyes remind us of youth so precious. Your patient self helps sooth a restless spirit for a time. Your clear mind yearns for knowledge while ours now crave clear mind. ************* DEPRESSION From one deep wound inside The poison seeps slowly through my veins In a very short time it will be hard to hide the sadness and sorrow of many pains Like a glass of water that becomes to full or a branch that will no longer bear a fierce wind As the years go by, it is harder to pull together what I call the threads of my mind
I am as naked as bones to grow white throught the days from the bleaching sun rays ************* fill my stay with silly things that wile away the endless minutes of the day ************* Of ever tainted flesh am I That which youth will never taste Why is it that I had to try All things in such great haste ************* Time it passes quickly by As does traverse the moon up high Memories fade within the years, and yet I know there are those I wull never forget ************* IN RETROSPECT Dreams do not come true I heard them tell one day But this I know to be a lie Cause I can truly say That of many dreams within my youth Most now have come my way ************* PUURRRRRRR in the corner you hiss throw back to you a kiss wait all night and day will you come out to play now your fur is filled with loving ************* Adrenolin rushing through my veins Will you cause me no more pains -- be still, be my slave It will not be long Though the hold is strong One day I will sing my freedom song And you will never be seen again ************* Let want fill me for as long as possible For having will never be the same ************* They will pass in the night and hear wise words from me In the passing I hear some of those words myself -- for the first time ************* VULTURE!!!!!!!! Twisted words On guard always, this mind Vulture sitting in a tree Leave well alone, please - politely Needles and thread, talon held Mouth sewn shut, can not think Never right, always wrong Deaf, for no one talks Give all, shall get back No answers there, nothing changes Tired and hurt all over Talons do bleed strength Vessel for the soul, hold on No new home yet
Being surrounded with materialism gives you a false image of what level you are really on ************* BEST FRIENDS Ask the wind to walk beside you, hand in hand Play with dancing shadows, sent you by the sun Many fingers on the waves becon you to splash about The birds in the trees whisper "there goes a friend of ours" ************* I am so bored here of late that I feel my mind is being held open with toothpicks ************* KINDRED SPIRIT It is hard knowing that the other half of me is out there somewhere
We are lucky In our obscurity that there are those who understand us Our wants Our needs While others have no one at all ************* SOLITARY FRIENDS Windows, with half shut sleepy eyes stare into the room A couch, which lies there beneath the sill welcomes me with open arms It speaks to me of leishurely evenings we had spent together reading a good book whilst music played in the background Tonight a few record sleeves lay there scattered Flickering, dancing candlelight illuminates their cardboard faces ************* NICHOLAS Drink red wine with much delight Dine on hugs and kisses by candle light Sweet embraces throughout the night Making love until the feelin is right With my naughty teddy bear hair friend ************* Those who ask for the least usually get the most Those who ask for to much usually get what is coming to them ************* PLEASANT STENCH Within time and with patience as you ripen in age with knowledge the fruit of your labours will come to you at long last If the time is to soon and the ripening is incomplete the fruit which is born will rot and fall to the ground a hundred times ************* CENTRED SELF CENTRED Get out of my way I said to myself Can you not see I have something important to discuss with me ************* INSIGHT INSIDE INSIDE INSIGHT I am dying inside No loving received All else in repair But do I care The one thing I need Is no where inside My spirit is weak As hard as I try The future is bleek With no love in sight My need is so strong I would say more than most Love please come my way To help heal my wounds So deep down inside I pray to you now Spirit of mine To show me the way So mending takes place From new found insight ************* Hold me Warm me Keep me Guide me Down the path The one that is true Help me Show me Reach me Teach me Find me my friend I need you YELLOW CHAKRA Damaged solar plexis Personal sun Where a safe home should be There is nothing but fear To go where experience unfolds --- in palpitations
Not everyone is destined for Greatness Luck Intelligence or anything much ************* INNER SPACE It is a matter of creating space for new to come The old has been taking up room A gradual process Nothing that can be enlarged It just happens One leaves The other enters ************* Crying Skeyes Windows of the soul see clearly, the day, blueness of the sky, soft white clouds drifting gently by Sky darkens, lightening flashes Calm silence disturbed by distant thunder. Watch clouds pass overhead Wetness rolls down your face as the tears of the world fall to cleanse the earth. Once again, the soul can see cleary, blueness of the sky, soft white clouds drifting gently by ************* Everything outside ourselves Already inside ourselves ************* Fear arises let it come Pain arises let it come Anxiety arises let it come ************* Calms Before Storms Came to know I could not stay When calms fore storms became the way Knocked me down like a punching clown Bounced back up as I won't stay down Seven I was when she'd plea for help From this timid young seed whelp Help me child was all she said As battle emerged all wrapped in red Looked on in fear as a knife was drawn Thrust deep into his slight bare arm A shriek was heard throughout my brain Mouth agape, the terror, the pain Dream or real I query to this day As time dims mind along life's way ************* I am like unstable air changing seasons I am stable in the fact that I am unstable I am secure with the knowledge that I am insecure ************* I give up trying My fate is set I see it now As clear as day The pain I feel Right to this day In my bones, my being Is here to stay I surrender In hope that acceptance will free me ************* My head hurts All the time I'd like to chop it off! A head trasplant is what I need Can they do that yet? ************* With light in my heart And the sun in my soul I begin my journey To make me whole Candle light surrounds me Far back through all time Like breath, required Kindling some strength of mine ************* War cry Slogans shriek democracy now Hippocrate! Socialist Dictator! Contradiction of yourself Name calling coward who attacks and flees as quickly Controlling though not in control Mongoose steeling others explosions of thoughts, ideas, pretending they are yours How do you live with yourself? Slap your face bitch! ************* Strange Elephants Identity, persona is on my mind Where things begin to make sense Of all these years of existence Trying on different faces That look like strange elephants Sitting on my head Dancing around as light as a feather In the cap of a flurry of butterflies Rising above the sun Over the horizon Of sin and laughter Catching waves of sunshine Streaming across my face Like crazy microbial tidal waves On the side of the earth Rotating on the axis of faith and glory Overshadowing the horizon that went nowhere And everywhere ************* Music Keeps Me Sane Gratitude Thomas Bates For opening the door Into the other world How lucky to have heard The smaller percent That others do not hear ************* Sad But Glad A gift Strange cold obsessiveness More than ever I want to see the stars Take off into the distance To another world Beyond the shores Creating negative ions Which turn to crystals In my brain ************* The air flowing whimsically Upon the clouds in a blue sky Wandering and wishing For another existence Where dinosaurs roamed the earth On the other side of the sun Miles away from civilization ************* Long term effects Of conscious thoughts Flowing around the world endlessly Making contact with other planets Inhabited by plants and flora Webs catch children Who were naughty where they play In front of the fireplace Burning a hole in the carpet ************* Wings to Fly Fear to open wings and fly Way far high up to the sky Far away where the birds do play In a field of dreams that points their way ************* Make Wick Your Soul Turn dark into light Bring light into dark The wick at times Can loose it's spark Build the bridge A way back in To the place Where we all begin Bridge is my hand Hold on tight The wick in me Ignites your light To awaken again Your dormant still soul From the sleeping place In it's deep dark hole ************* What's wrong with me What's right If wrong was right I would jump in the air With shouts of glee I'll finally know who is me Me is interesting Me is fun I know all this Cause me told me so. ************* Carrying Luggage Old brown suitcase, gold metal corners, blue satin lining, elastic pouch. I place my empty heart trampled soul Invisible cloak, Protects from crazy people. Music, that heals. Letters of thanks for deeds gone good. Shoes to carry. Nice clothes. Poetry. Titles of books. Funny friends and family. A hand to hold. Someone to take a walk with. Good red wine. A puff of smoke. Tasty morsels to satisfy a hedonistic pallet. ************* Build A Me Cake Past is a story that's already been written, Present a place that I rest within, Future holds how I wish to partake, With all those ingredients I build a me cake. ************* Once the wheel of learning is set in motion there is no turning back. It continues with or without awareness. ************* The persona that he began creating as a child is so strong. He really needs to believe that that's who he is. ************* Bad acid The Devil dances me round and round My Angel helps me stand my ground Both minds battle. Devil Angel Colliding Fight to rule. Birthright precedes Current conditions, I find myself in. Who will win? The dark? The light? Might split in half. Damien knows the dichotomy I live ************* Soul in a Hole Analogy me to Winnie the Pooh Stuck in the tree Coming through to the other side Analogy me to Humpty Dumpty Fell off the wall Pieces, they flew, far and wide Tree released me Parts were found My souls been released From it's burial ground ************* Not end up impoverished Completely demolished Wouldn't accommodate They couldn't demonstrate Barely a minute, day, week Push I need, push I need To unpredictable Stuck in the middle Made my way to wellness See no end to illness Barely a minute, day, week Push I need, push I need ************* Limbo held its place in time New beginnings, now, are mine Future is an open book Ready now to take a look ************* Cabin Fever Blues Spinnin' away Needle stuck so long Round and round On that one damn song This bendable mind Hear it say It's way to long You're stuck this way Journey now To that new location Get off the road Of this wicked stagnation Fuck this now That's what I said O' sittin' on my ass 'Till I'm gone and dead ************* A Simple Dinner Watch through windowed oven door Fascinating episode Of buttery Havarti melting on crisp toast The cheese bubbled away Now golden brown Running over the edges Avec home cooked Pea black forest bacon soup ************* Notice that I've disappeared. To make perfectly clear. I'm not really here. Before my birth. I did revert. A speck. Dot. o ************* Spinnin' away Needle stuck so long Round and round On that one damn song This bendable mind Hear it say It's way to long You're stuck this way Journey now To that new location Get off the road Of this wicked stagnation Fuck this now That's what I said O' sittin' on my ass 'Till I'm gone and dead ************* Blue Gene Baby They said… Rockin’ my leg Brought the Devil to stay, Day dreamin’ Stole my mind away, Skin that thin Life would betray I’m a blue gene baby Havin’ a blue gene day ************* Stand next to madness Outside lookin' in On the edge Of an astral projection When will it end? Where you begin! ************* The Music I Share Core feelings Way down in myself I feel so deeply That if I found someone who shared this They would be the one Listen to one song Feel where one ends and the other begins Who we are At the centre we would become one The other half of me is out there somewhere Found you once and lost you The closest I may ever come Is there another out there for me Or am I looking all wrong ************* Memories of Pepperoni My family’s ritual of visiting Byward market every Saturday morning is my fondest recollection from my childhood. To this day, when I travel to big cities or small towns, I make sure to stop in at their market places. Our first market stop would be a little deli. Ohhh, their pepperoni was to die for. Spicy, very dry, with little blobs of fatty bits that would burst in my mouth as I crunched down on it. I became addicted to this Pepperoni. Here’s how obsessed I was. When I was about seven, this boy David said he liked me. I told him that the only way I would be his girlfriend was if he brought me some pepperoni. You see, David’s dad owned a deli. David did as I had asked. When he finally handed it to me I ran off with my indulgence leaving David behind. Could my relationship with pepperoni be the reason I am still single. I still love my pepperoni. Now in moderation though. Saturday lunch at our house was the one time in the week that my mom did not cook. Our market meal consisted of more tasty treats than just the pepperoni of course. Mom would lay everything, still in packages, all over the kitchen table. Opening up each one we would feast our eyes and salivate at the sight of the garlicky kolbassa, genoa sausage, liverwurst, fresh tomatoes and baby cucs, radishes, green onion, varied cheeses, rye breads and kaiser buns and . Cutting boards, plates and cutlery came out and we would commence to dig into these delicious delights. We would fill our faces with the individual sandwiches each one of us made. I continued this wonderful market tradition with my son as babe and throughout his subsequent years. Although, at a younger age, and at times, he winged and whined during our outings, he tells me that these market visits are now one of his favourite memories. I sometimes wonder if it had any influence on his decision to go into the culinary arts. ************* TITLES OF BOOKS OF STORIES I MAY NEVER WRITE THERE IS A STORY BEHIND EVERY ONE OF THEM The Burning Rope Core Cabbage Meals From Under the Wheels Can I Borrow Your Underwear Dishes in the Bathtub Chrispie Egg Roll Ends I Know Where I'm Fucked Up. Do you? Mommy, Mommy, My Socks are Leaving Broken Toy, Plush Toe Short Cut, Short Bruise Num Num Noo Peacock Paparazzi Peanut Butter Bomb I don't want to smell like dirty dishes! When the wed wed wobin.... Vegitarian, Fishitarian, Nomeatitarian Swiss Cheese Slap and Laugh Biochemical Beings Pale Nolish Blochit Slochit What's That Funny Breathing Sound? There is Money and Then There is Enough Money Pumpkin Neck Assplosions Glass is half full.... The Land Where Christmas Threw Up Friendship in good time Alone vs. Lonely Peanut Butter Bomb Towels Dry Better When They're Hung Up Food to make Your Happy Grow Looking in at Madness Spagetti Strap, Linguini Strap, Lazagna Strap I am so obsessed with purses I made my cat into a handbag I know... it was totally inappropriate Parasitic Baptism Tania Lazagna and Lucus Mucus Peacock Paparazzi If I ever loose my mind be kind My heart is pounding, my mouth is dry and I feel like I'm going to cry Scruffy Muffy's Pooh Stuck in Hole Soil Sauce Took years to find Humpty Dumpty's pieces Num Num Noo Was looking for an outfit to wear, trying so many. Realized that what I was to find was actually a younger me that I could put on. I know, I am looking for someone like my dad. Except for the drinking part. In all the unknown you can be assured that some people never change Closed window spit Butt Bling Tequila Tree Hugg Crispy egg roll ends Soil Sauce Vicks Baby Pillow ************* BEYOND ENDLESS Well I have to say.... Having spent a number of years working Treble Clef Records in Ottawa, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. The music that I had access to I thought was endless. Now there's Youtube. What is beyond endless? As I have said many times "Music Keeps Saving My LIfe". Although I'm not formally religious I know there's a place where music comes from that is on another level that can't be explained. ************* THOUGHTS AND SAYINGS I feel that what I am learning through photography is making beautiful things out of mistakes. Something to apply to the rest of ones life. There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, ... They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love. Washington Irving Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. Some music helps you survive your troubles Some music helps you understand your troubles Some music can help you do something about your troubles The Ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral. With violence you can murder the hater but you do not murder the hate. Martin Luther King Darkness cannot drive out darkness Hate cannot drive out hate Only love can do that Martin Luther King Where in the world is the most important place? Right were you are! Think globally, act locally. Angels can fly because they take things lightly. Unknown Being stuck in your past leaves no room for your future. Be in the present the here and the now Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Being unforgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Bitterness holds a space where goodness could be instead. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance. It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and taking other people's stuff. George Carlin Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Desire is the source of pain Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. Enjoy the journey to the destination. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Forgiveness is for oneself. Friendship is like a ship on the horizon. You see it etched against the sky, and then as it moves on, the ship dips out of your vision, but that does not mean it is not there. Friendship is not linear. It moves in all directions, teaching us about ourselves and each other. Great Spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. Einstein Half the journey is getting there.... enjoy the trip. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. If any of you happens to see an injustice, you are no longer a spectator, you are a participant and you have an obligation to do something. June Callwood I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its w...hole life believing that it is stupid. ~Albert Einstein In developing countries they fight hard to create a better and safer life for themselves. Living in a developed country means we must fight to keep those things that create a better life for us. We must be careful to not become complacent. knock that the door shall be opened Live every day like it's your last! Live in the present, the hear and the now! Living in the State of Impermanence Materialism gives you a false image of what level you are really on. May your soul soar up to heaven before the devil knows your dead. Negative space holds space where positive emotion could be... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Strive to be like the moon. African Saying Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! The best moments in reading are when you come across something, a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things that you'd thought special, particular to you. And here it is set out by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. It's as if a hand has come out and taken yours. The History Boys The mask you wear becomes your face. Plato The one reality is spirit, and the surface of life is only a disguise with a thousand masks that keep us from discovering what is real. Dalai Lama The past is only a memory, the future is fantasy. It is only in the present that we truly live. There are many people who make things happen, there are those who watch things happen and there are others who will wonder what happened. The mask you wear becomes your face What war is worth fighting. Surely not one that is for no reason, nor one that is over differences. Hmmm? Freedom? Security? The defects and faults in the mind are like wounds in the body. After all imaginable care has been taken to heal them up, still there will be a scar left behind. Francois de La Rochefoucauld - French author & moralist It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone. Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
