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Entry from a rant I wrote while at work December 25th:

Why? It seems like such a harmless question, such a simple 3 letter monosylabical (if that's even a word), innocent word. Why? We hear it every day and never take it seriously. We see it in context and never see it for what it could be. Thinking about it from the other side, by itself, no context, seems cliché and funny. Why? The ultimate philisophical question. It's funny because it's been played up and we hear stories of the philosophy exam question. Why? There are apparently only 3 correct answers to this question. 1 - Because, 2 - Why Not, and 3 - Why is the question of infinite regression. yet none of the above really answer the question. 1 - insn't even a sentence, 2 - I can think of a dozen resons off the top of my head why not, and 3 - yes this is true but it does not answer the question. It may be on the path to answering it, but it is a pradox. We may think we address sthe question, when some one thinks, Why? and thinks of how the question really has no answer, then the next day they go on with their lives. I wonder how many people are actually able to really grasp the question, not just be aware of it. I beleive you don't really understand the question until it hits you. You stop for a moment, a totally random momment and it hits you like a freight train, it blind sides you, and there really isn't a word to describe with what intensity it impacts on you. From one day to the next, you can no longer function, in society, at home, at work, at all. You loose your grip on so called "reality". You can't eat, you can't sleep, you can't do anything. You feel no emotions but misery. You stay awake all night crying becasue all you know is absolutely nothing. You loose your mind because you thought you knew the world, you had security, routine, but what happens when all that breaks down and you get a meere glimpse of something else and you have no way of even hoping to comprehend it. It surrounds you, it engulfs you. It is everything and you've never noticed it. But here it is now, everywhere and you're lost. You could think of trying to find you're way home, but home never really existed. Reality seems to have faded, this world begins to fade or flicker and for meere moments something else seems to appear, and my mind tries to restabalize itself because it knows it can't comprehend it and it's scared. I feel like a curtain is being pulled and there is nothingness beyond this "reality." Nothingness that my mind can't even grasp so it translates it as black. I'm in a dream. I feel like I'm about to fall threw the floor cause this floor doesn't exist. The only thing that keeps me from the "physical" barriers of this "reality" is the fact that my body is made of the same thing this "reality" and the "barriers" are made of. I'm in a dream. What happens when you become concious of the dream? What happens when the dreamer wakes up? Why did the dreamer start dreaming? How did the dreamer come to dream? come to be? Was he created? Who created the creator? Who created the nothingness, the "blackness"? Why? Why do these questions plague me? Why did I never see these things before? How could I have over looked such essential question? Why hasn't anyone else thought of them? Why had there been no answer so far? Why??

I wish I could hide it like Phil does, he is so good at putting up the facade. No one in a million years would figure it out! I on the other hand am much easier to read. I wish I could fake happiness, that way I wouldn't have to deal with "you look so sad" or "What's wrong" "You look so gloomy" because I have to find lame excuses, "I'm just tired". That's my lame excuse; every time. What else am I supposed to say. How could I possibly explain. Even if I wanted to explain. "I'm trying to find out Why." "I don't' understand how we got here?" It's too cliché to talk about to anyone. So we all keep it too ourselves. Those of us who realize that reality does not exist, nothing exists. Except nothingness. And our minds can't even understand that. So how then should we deal with it? I was lucky enough to know of someone who when threw this just before me. I remember his distress but could not fully understand it. But do I ever understand it now!!!! He has long since seemed cured however, so I decided to ask him.
"Phil, do you remember when you had trouble understanding How and Why?" I asked him as I stood in his doorway in tears with my kleenex box in hand.
He nodded yes
"Did you find the answer?" I asked hopefully.
"No" he replied.
"How did you deal with it" I asked.
His answer hurt more than the question forever unanswered. It was the truth and real and understandable... The answer was the only one our human minds could understand. Yet the answer was horribly unsatisfying and infuriating.
He simply pointed to his computer and said:
"I play computer"
That's it!??!?! That's the answer?!?!?!? But it's so true! There's no way to comprehend it, so just forget it! But how can you possibly try and hope to forget such a question. You are faced with every moment of your so called "life". It's a question that exists so and answer must exist! There is something more. I refuse to ignore it!  As soon as I mentioned "Why/How" his expression had changed. it changed to an expression I had never seen before. It was an expression of comprehension/understanding/knowing what I was going threw, and expression of releif, maybe because he wasn't alone. It was also an expression of fear, helplessness and sadness at the same time. That night we talked for a little then came up with somewhat of an answer that was sufficient for the moment. I decided to start a live journal on the net about this problem. We should be addressing the problem. I know we aren't the only ones who have been hit by a ton of bricks. Others may laugh or think they have addressed the problem, but one day it might hit them like it's hit Phil, like it's hit me.  I asked Phil if that was his solution.
"So are you just forgetting the question?" I asked him.
"I'm hiding from it, yes" he said.
"Cause I'm gonna start a live journal about it" I said.
"That's a good idea. i would really like to be a part of it" he said. "I've been hiding cause I have to find someone to talk to about it. I want to find a professional."

* end of entry because I had lots of work to do at this point *