Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places...
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.)
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent day to shuffle your feet. Remember: it's OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose.
NOTE: I am lazy so these will most likely stay up for a month before i change them...hey at least im honest.
