Bras and the cursed underwire

 

Any guys reading this, brace yourselves

Of course, rants about female undergarments should be nothing new to you by now

But I’m warning you anyway

I’m dealing with the bane of well endowed woman’s existence

Yes, that’s right:

The Underwire Bra

 

*cue the dramatic music*

 

My mother doesn’t understand the trial I go through

When I go bra shopping

Which, admittedly, is not my favorite thing to do

It ranks right up there with swimsuit shopping

Who wants to go and stare at herself in a department store mirror,

Checking for bulges and wrinkles in fluorescent lighting?

(If you answered yes, please, tell me your address so I can come and check and make sure you’re not an alien.”

Add to it that you are shopping in the open,

With women who are always smaller chested than you,

And you have to find the mammoth bra that looks as if

It could secure two scud missiles

(Ignore the implications there, guys)

Of course they’ve tried to give the bras names

That are supposed to make you feel better

(Cross your heart, Just my Size, lift and empower?)

 

And this all says nothing of the Underwire Bra

Sure, wonderful thing the underwire is

Gives great support, makes me look like I’ve got Pam Anderson boobs

(if only mine were that perky)

At least, until it dies, and believe me

They do die

No matter what happens you will get stabbed, and it will be at the worst possible moment-

‘And I propose that we… Ow!’  ‘Kelly, are you bleeding?’  ‘Oh, it’s just a flesh wound.’

Murphy’s law I suppose, and you get two choices of underwire torture:

1)       stabbed in the armpit when the seam gives out

or

2)       stabbed elsewhere around your breast when the wire breaks

And after this happens, the bra is done for, you might as well use it as a dust cloth

Or a face mask to protect you from SARS

 

I propose making a titanium wired bra.  Unbreakable.

The fabric will wear out before the wire does!

Well endowed women everywhere would rejoice!

They wouldn’t mind the higher cost since they know

The wire will not break!

Or how about in the X-men vein of things,

An adamantium wired bra?

Sure, they could call it the Lady Wolverine!

You’d buy the Lady Wolverine, right?