Dear Jodie,

I'm sitting here listening to Jenny Toomey and thinking about how I haven't been writing to you as often or as well as I should have been. I'm sorry. When I thought I was possibly going to lose you I told myself that I would write you a letter at least once a week to show you how much I love you and to ensure that you wouldn't leave me. And then we worked on things and they got better and I forgot my plan. But I shouldn't have. It's not that you haven't been in my thoughts. God, I haven't been able to think of anything or anyone else. I guess I've just been afraid to confront my feeling and to express them to you. Instead, I just went through my mental catalog of resentments and fears and looked for reasons to doubt us and for handy bits of history to beat you with to make myself feel better about you not being here. But the thing is, I didn't want to hurt you or make you feel guilty and bad. I just wanted you to reassure me that you love me and that we'll make it through this. Again, I'm sorry. Your mood since I left (in your emails anyway) had been so happy, loving and reassuring and I poisoned that and started you doubting. Doubting about my feelings for you and our ability to get through this period of our lives. But worse, I started you doubting your own feelings for me. So now, I'm not only sorry but scared. I need to know that you love me and I need you to know that. I need to hear things like

". . . i want you to more importantly know that i LOVE YOU and i love you more than anyone on this earth. i need you . . ."

Do you remember that? Can you feel that way again? I hope so because that's precisely how I feel about you and that's not going to change.

Jodie, we've both made mistakes in the past but we don't have to treat them as if they're a disease that must run it's course. We can choose not to let the past haunt us. As I told you before, my heart forgave you a long time ago and my head is starting to see the light as well. And I'm letting go of my resentments. They can't help me or hold me and they keep me from clearly seeing the woman I love. Your an amazing person and you continue to surprise and delight me with the funny things you say or the way you see things. And you inspire me and make me proud. I'm proud of your bravery. I'm proud of you struggle to understand yourself. I'm proud that you're the kid of person who desires to be better.

But I'm afraid again. I'm afraid that everything that I thought had been righted is now upside down again. We fought so hard and uncovered so much and made so much progress and now I feel like we're slipping back. More precisely, I feel like you're doubting all of those things that only a few weeks ago you told me with such conviction. That your love for me was unquestioned. That our future together was one of your highest priorities. I can't believe that was all guilt or trickery. You were so free and happy with me. I want that back and I want you to want it too.

I understand that you're going through changes and facing things you've never faced before. I understand that we're having different experiences and are unable to share them as immediately as before. And I know also that being on your own is exciting and new. I want you to experience all of those things and to find out that you can stand on your own without me (or anyone else for that matter). I know you can. But you don't have to cut me out of your life to do that. I want you to remember and to know that it's also going to be hard for you and soon it won't be new but rather normal. And I'll still be here for you.

Jodie, I don't know if I can do this. I'm not sure that I could finish this goal of mine even if you were here and things were perfect. Without you I'm just a jumble of self-doubt. But, because I love you and want you to be proud of me, and because it will be good for us years from now, I'm going to try. And we will just have to see how things go. Like I told you, things will be alright and if not we'll make changes. That still stands. If you or I can't make it work then we'll change it. And I promise that I'll be better about telling you what I'm doing and thinking. You've been so good about keeping in contact with me and I've been letting you down. I won't let you down again. I want you to always know how much you're loved and how you're always on my mind and on the tip of my tongue. I'm sure Chris, Pete, Tom and Fatma could tell you that but since you're not here I'll have to keep reminding you. You're the center of my world and the meaning of my life.

So I hope you don't mind me posting my thoughts here on your billboard. It was handy and I thought you'd like seeing my addition to it. I will set something up so that in the future I don't have to scribble my thoughts on your wall. And now that I have a bit of money I'll send you something written by my very own hand (or perhaps printer because my writing is so bad). Please write back to me and tell me that everything wil be ok. I need to believe that.

Love always,

Rob

I am the Pablo Bird,
bird of a single feather,
a flier in the clear shadow
and obscure clarity,
my wings are unseen,
my ears resound
when I walk among the trees
or beneath the tombstones
like an unlucky umbrella
or a naked sword,
stretched like a bow
or round like a grape,
I fly on and on not knowing,
wounded in the dark night,
who is waiting for me,
who does not want my song,
who desires my death,
who will not know I'm arriving
and will not come to subdue me,
to bleed me, to twist me,
or to kiss my clothes,
torn by the shrieking wind.

That's why I come and go,
fly and don't fly but sing:
I am the furious bird
of the calm storm.

pablo neruda