Basically, everyones getting on with their lives happily and diligently. why am i the only one complaining. I admit that i AM a complain queen. but i wasnt like tt before. i wasnt. Maybe not i believe more and more that we have to do things that only we like. Maybe im just getting more and more irritable. there are some things i would really like to have. even some peoples time. but they seem nonchalant about it. its like no one cares about me anymore. theyve got another happy new life somewhere else and im still at the starting point. i thought i had people who could accompany me through my journey of emotions but they seemed to have picked up from where i have left off. I should be happy for them and i really am. but just as i start to feel happy for them, im getting bitter with myself. Theres only a few things in life tt i want. yet to me, they are so far away and not practical. Like wats the use of having a dream when you have no courage to try and achieve it. thats me. im timid, stupid and very very negative. I wont put in any effort in school.i hate it. business school is just total crap. its like trying to season yourselves in the business environment by making believe, when u could be in the midst of it in reality. furthermore, i dont even wanna have anything to do with that damned world. i dont wanna have anything to do with anything. i just wanna live in music and happiness. but how can i find happiness? thats my question. i feel lucky tt im a girl. im a female. at least i have the comfort that i can wait for a guy to enter my life and just spend my whole life giving him everything. all of my time, love and effort. but no guy wil ever like me. so tts a closed option too. i feel that my dreams of venturing into the music world is limited by physical aspects. everyone in that circle is thin thin thin. im fat fat fat. thats wats stopping me. seriously. nowadays, the only thing that gets my blood rushing is escaping. escaping into nowhere. escaping into someone i know will never be there for me. peering through closed doors that already have a lock. i try to visualise wats inside, but everythings just vague impressions and plays. i want so much to watch all the concerts in the world. its the only stuff i look forward to now. in simple words, i kinda feel like dying, but dont wanna pull my parents into sadness. they gave me life, i cant ignore them just like tt. perhaps the only thing thats restricting me now is them. actually, if they were parents tt are very flexible, i would be free now. i wouldnt be tied down by dreadful pressures of school. school is all so F-ed up. i only want my friends. my friends. my friends. my friends. my friends. please let us all be binded tied Lord. i never wanna get off this ride with them on it. its so nice to type everything out like tt, its so nice. its so nice. i waited and waited on the opposite side, i strained so hard to see everything. to see the long shirt, to see the number. i could have waited for days and nights. but i only waited for half an hr cos i did not wanna make my friend angry. but i wld have. i wld. id rather stand there than go to school. i dont wanna be no leader of the grp. i dont even wanna be a member in the grp. i just want out. out of everything. be a hermit. but this is so not possible here. it is so not. my quest to beauty has never been successful too. man i feel like vomitting, if u know what i mean. but no you dont. i love people. i love them. but why why why do they hate me so. i thought i was ok. i thought i was presentable. dont tell me shes better? well both you and I will nv know. whats the point of staying here. on this swing? i will get dizzy you know. im materialistic and vain. nothing else but a pig. i dun mind being a vase. but i dont hve wat it takes. can i pls stay in my happy dreams forever? can i? can i? the thrill. gosh, im wasting time. theres prison from 9 to 6 tmr. what am i doing here? escaping again? dont forget u've got no where to go. by right, i shd be happy, by right, im lucky. but yet, i have no rights to reject anything. my true friend is trapped. how i wish i had the courage to just run away together, but i wont dare to leave my family behind. hongkong hongkong. old buildings. leaking pipes. moldy wood. cantonese. lousy chinese. old people. shophouses. rows and rows. screaming. shouting. blending into the background. with my guitar. with my stripes. with my rose. without the bridge, without the miniskirts and stupid spag tops. damn them. the dumb atm. turn back time. to the entrance. minus the rudeness. so sorry. maybe we could be. maybe we could have. all the maybes become nevers. 10 yrs is alot. do i look like i care. gosh. burn down the school. i just wanna be a human. a girl. piano. jazz. bitter and sweet.