The chore of going through this life without ever being satisfied. Insatiable greediness and dreams. I am sinful. I will not and never be satisfied. With the bestest new friends i found in an amiable but foreign environment, I stil feel alien. Masking myself. I dont believe in who i am. who is there to believe me then? Only when i step home with my family do i feel truly secure. in my room. in my shows. in my mind. or when i sleep. or when i think of u. Because its the only thing i truly understand about myself. i can sense that i'll believe anything u say. Treat your words like gold, your actions like gems and your each expression like diamonds. Its so weird that im captivated by your eyes. I guess it is your eyes then. Soulful? I have no explanantion. Just taken in. I need not be clear and i shal not be. I will never be transparent but i prefer to go around endlessly. I have no confidence in myself now, but i am sure i will be, but only 100 kgs lighter. I am almost sure i will be your friend only then. Bt nw, its impossible. Im terribly fat, and dun even dare to walk past yamaha or even meet my own blood relatives or old friends. Im afraid of the word "fat" or the scrutinising look as they wonder if ive gained weight. I am dense. i really am. You may say that im oversensitive, but ive lived with it long enough to know that it exists but not long enough to get used to it.

someone told me shes nt pretty. now im the scrutinsing one. one with no right to be one. however, i believe thinness is everything. shes thin, shes small, fragile and everything u like. im fat gigantic and what u hate. It now wonder then, tt u're with her. three days to the sacred day of ur birthday! on 29/7 friday. u're becoming 26. you must be very wise and experienced. i really wana hear about ur life, and ur music. Wish i could celebrate and wish u happy birthday openly. Like a true friend. I planned to cal yamaha and wish u anonymously, but i know that'll freak u out. Id want to send u a present.. bt i dont know u! You will think im a stalker as i even noe ur birthdate. bt im not. im not so scary.

I just wanna say: i wish to be ur friend, a genuine, eternal friend, and for u to be happy. Satisfied with your passion and love. ur music, job, love, marriage, everything. Be happy. and along e way, juz look back and think about me once. The happy retarded fat girl, the dumb girl who finds it fulfilling just to glance at u from afar. I just wish tt u realise the longing behind the cheerful disposition, the thumping heart when i look and the enviousness i feel for ur gf. But these are wat i feel. only me. you neednt care. I just hope that u'll have a wonderful life and a carer filled with music. I'll be ur fan! the ever quiet, supportive fan! give ur passion all u've got. And be the me that i daren't be. Til we meet again. Happy 26th Birthday!

12:25am 26/7/05 tue