Thursday April 8th, 2004
10:36pm
2 days left until my birthday!
Today was a fairly cool day, we surprised Mrs. Elliott with a birthday cake and such (her birthday is on the same day as mine... (saturday)).
Ugh, cake was so rich and fattening!
My friends decorated my locker, so that was extremely exciting for me. I nearly cried when I got up there... there was a huge card on the front, and inside were a bunch of inside jokes and stuff... it was all so touching!
My day was filled with little surprises... Katie and Laura got me a delicious cake (from Longo's, like my Valentine's Day date/cake). I split it with Adam and his younger siblings (Alex, Emma and Marcus) when we stopped by his house after school. Sooo decadent! But not fattening like Mrs. Elliott's, which was uber-nice. I also got some gorgeous pink lilies from Shannon and Melissa, and some beautiful tulips from Christina and Ben.
The walk home was fun today with all those prezzies to carry, let me tell you! lol
So happy-happy-cheery-smiley... and then I finally got a moment to sit down and just think about nothingness... and that's when it hit my like a ton of bricks.
I'm going to be 17.
*pause for dramatic effect*
Birthdays aren't usually a huge deal for me, but for some reason the thought of turning 17 was enough to bring me to tears. I just kept thinking about it over and over again... I'm not even sure what it was about it that upset me so much...
all I know is that it did...
Here are the things I've come to realize:
* I have accomplished nothing memorable in 17 years.
That's a huge waste of oxygen.
* I am 3 years away from the end of my teenage years, and I haven't even outgrown childhood yet... which means I'll probably only start enjoying my teen years around the time I'll turn 20.
* I feel like I should start acting older and more mature now. Which we all know is complete BS and I will forget about that feeling by tomorrow... but meh. it's still there in the meantime.
What a waste of a life... More than ever, I feel as though I could be gone at any moment... and yet, I haven't even begun living yet.
If in the morning, I don't wake up, the only things that I can hope for are that the people I love most know that i loved them most... and that they understand that i'll be much happier on the other side...
Catherine
Wednesday March 17th, 2003
8:49pm
It is nearly 9pm on St. Patrick's Day; i should be drunk now, but i am not.
i have no fucking clue how i feel. just... all i can fucking think of is drinking myself dead. what a happy thought! it's funny cause it's true...
wes sent me a bunch of pictures of me from different occasions over the course of our relationship... from weekends at my cottage... to hanging out and being crazy around markham with my cousin when she came to visit from vancouver... to lying around talking about sunshine and nothingness in his van before he left for university...
(last minute plans, i'm off)
Catherine
Saturday March 13th, 2004
2:14pm
at work
I just read Christina's blog, which led to me reading Dave's blog, which led to Jeff's, and eventually Shamus's. i am bored senseless.
So sleepover at laura's on thurs. That was... uhh.. cool... I felt bad cause Katie and Kanitsch were both on the school Europe trip, and Laura really missesd them both. We decided to throw a party to get her mind off things. It started out as a good idea, and then when i got there i remembered how much i hate those situations. The whole cycle of moods she goes through from "im so sad, boo hoo" to laughing and recalling inside jokes i was never a part of. Sometimes I'm dead jealous of people with awesome-close friends. Other times I'm reminded of how much i hate them. So yeah, fun, Laura, Ellen, Laura S and Christina are all joking, and I'm having fun too although (as usual) I feel like a bit of a leech hanging off them... then they start watching movies, and I'm feeling all this junk build up inside me. I feel sick. I want to tell Laura that I don't feel well and just go for a walk. A nice long walk in the rain... and possibly never come home. I find myself wishing that I could just step outside and have the rain pour down my body, dissolving me and taking tiny pieces of my life with it... just washing my existence into oblivion. But obviously I can't, because the mere mention of not feeling well get's the whole "what's wrong?/are you okay?" thing, and then people think im doing it just to get attention, which i'm not (not this time anywayz :p). So i go to Laura's room, call Adam and chat with him on the phone for a while about how badly i want to leave.
...and by "chat with him on the phone", I mean "fall asleep on the phone with him about three times before eventually waking and realizing how fucked i am". Meh.
I remember half-waking at one time during the night when Christina and Laura walked in. I later found out they were filming some sort of Blair Witch Project movie starring moi as the sleeping beast. They have about 7 seconds of me making weird sleeping noises and then rolling over to get out of the light as well as a couple of pictures Christina put in her blog. Lovely ducks.
For some reason, I am completely overcome with anger. All I can think to feel is "I hate". It doesn't even make sense. I fell asleep and missed all the fun of the sleepover, and somehow the only things im upset about are the phrase "Laura's sleepover" and not being a part of all the pictures. But... Bah whatever, i make no sense. I angry.
consoling friends fucking pisses me off sometimes. especially because our group of friends are all just "friends of convenience"; we're only friends because we need friends. We only talk when we need something from one another: a cure for boredom, some help with a boyfriend, missed homework. And we never just "hang out" and have fun. The last time i had a get together with friends, the only reason i went was because it provided me with a location and excuse to get drunk. Sometimes I feel envious of people with good friends. I wish I had people to just hang out with, people you call because you honestly care how they are, not just cause you need someone to accompany you downtown so you're not all alone. Someone you call just to say hey, not to cry to cause your boyfriend left and you're alone. I mean, I don't mind consolling people, i actually LOVE talking to people, and listening, and offering advice when they ask for it. But it fucking pisses me off beyond belief when "friends" only ever talk to you about their problems, and don't give a fuck about helping you or drying your tears when you need them.
I'm such a fucking hypocrite.
Whatever. I'm really bitter and upset right now.
I'm also frustrated that I've finally figured out the two things I *need*, and I can't have either of them, no matter how hard I try.
I don't belong here. The world knows it, the people living in the world know it, and now I do too.
I feel like I'm faking everything and clinging to the last few shreds of my existence that haven't died. I feel like pieces of my soul have been falling off like paint chips as each day goes on and I'm finally noticing the damage. It's too late to fix it now, i can only watch the last few fall softly to the ground and try to enjoy my last few breaths...
"I'll miss you when you're gone"
"Darling, I've been gone a long time..."
Catherine
Friday Feb 20th, 2004
10:06pm
...and thus begins the silent relaunching of my electronic diary...
It's been a while, and I had nearly moved on completely from this whole e-scene... but then I was taking some quizzes online, went looking for that old page I had with all the blog-quizzes, found a compliment someone had left me on my writing... and... well...
i missed you...
Catherine
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