Miscellaneous Quotes

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. – Will Durant

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. – John F. Kennedy

Get the facts first. You can distort them later. – Mark Twain

Ninety percent of everything is crap – Theodore Sturgeon

What good is speed if the brain has oozed out on the way. – Karl Kraus

Man is quite insane. He wouldn’t know how to create a maggot, yet he creates Gods by the dozen. – Michel de Montaigne

Flattery will get you nowhere, but do keep trying. – Kim Woodburn

It is practically impossible to look at a penguin and feel angry. – Joe Moore

Dominatio per malum - Power through evil. - Anon

Death, plague, war and beast. Go forth my four horsemen of the apocalypse and create one hell of a mess. - Anon

America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole. – Bobcat Goldthwaite

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands. One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. – The Pledge of Allegiance

In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. – Douglas Adams

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man’s being unable to sit still in a room. – Blaise Pascal

Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt to you for hurting me. - Anon

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. – Apple Computer Advertisement

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. – Edgar Bergen

Happiness is getting a bill you’ve already paid so you can sit down and write a really nasty letter. – Peter Nero

Are you really sure that a floor can't also be a ceiling? – M. C. Escher

The computer is a moron. – Peter F. Drucker

Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. – Joe Pesis

I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve! I think I'm in the wrong building. – Charles Schulz

The English winter – ending in July, to recommence in August. – Lord Byron

Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy, you don’t need it: if you are sick, you shouldn’t take it. – Henry Ford

No sober man dances, unless he happens to be mad. – Cicero

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. – Dwight D. Eisenhower

Folks, we’ve reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch off the seat belt sign. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane 'til we land… it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern. – Anon

I like children. Properly cooked. – W. C. Fields

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. – Mark Twain

What other dungeon is so dark as one’s own heart! What jailer so inexorable as one’s self! – Nathaniel Hawthorne

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most. – Ozzy Osbourne

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. – Douglas Adams

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. – Woody Allen

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. – E E Cummings

Americans have different ways of saying things. They say ‘elevator’, we say ‘lift’… they say ‘President’, we say ‘stupid psychopathic git’… – Alexi Sayle

There's no such thing as bad weather. Only the wrong clothes. - Billy Connelly

An apology for the Devil: it must be remembered that we have only heard one side of the case. God has written all the books. – Samuel Butler

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. – Woody Allen

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world, and those who don’t. – Robert Benchley

There are days when solitude, for someone my age, is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall. – Colette

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Sir Winston Churchill

Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell. – Aldous Huxley

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life. – Frank Zappa

What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry? – Anon

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. - a major shipping line

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. – Douglas Adams

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. – Jerome K Jerome

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in. – Robert Frost

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like? – Jean Cocteau

It makes me happy to insult other people. It’s what I live for. – Marilyn Manson

If there is not God, who pops up the next Kleenex? – Art Hoppe

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. – Herm Albright

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? – Mark Twain

I’m an idiot, but I’m a good one and I’m proud of it. – Jason Murphy

My favourite thing is to go where I’ve never been. – Diane Arbus

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is: we’ll find it. – Sam Levenson

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. – Don Marquis

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug. – John Lithgow

What’s my loftiest ambition? I’ve always wanted to throw an egg at an electric fan. – Anon

Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge. – Issac Friedman

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge. – Bertrand Russell

No child is born a criminal; no child is born an angel. He is just born. – Sir Sydney Smith

The deepest feeling always shows itself in silence. – Marianne Moore

A multiple personality is in a certain sense normal. – George H. Mead

Music is the art of thinking with sounds. – Jules Combarieu

Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. – Anon

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight. – George Cobel

It’s great to be young and insane. – Michael Keaton

I am prepared to meet my maker. Whether my maker is prepared to meet me is another matter. – Winston Churchill

Why sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. – Lewis Carroll

I say that if Lincoln were living today, he would be turning over in his grave. – Gerald R. Ford

I don’t want to be quoted, and don’t quote me that I don’t want to be quoted. – Winston Burdett

The penalty for laughing in the courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. – H. L. Mencken

Life is just a bowl of toenails. – Anon

The living are just the dead on holiday. – Maurice Maeterlinck

The only man who had a proper understanding of parliament was old Guy Fawkes. – Bernard Shaw

We were so poor that if we woke up on Christmas Day without an erection we had nothing to play with. – Frank McCourt

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think. – Ambrose Bierce

The future cannot be predicted, but futures can be invented. – Dennis Gabor

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins. – Jack Handey

There’s no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man. – Groucho Marx

Think positively, act positively and never leave fingerprints. – Robert Sneddon

Having major planets disappear is always a bad sign. – Jim Blinn

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off. – J. G. Bullers

Backup not found:
A)bort?
R)etry?
I)nfluence with large hammer? – Anon

From the Devil you can and to the Devil you shall return. – Anon

The angel of death has been abroad throughout the land; you may almost hear the beating of his wings. – John Bright

An event has happened upon which it is difficult to speak and impossible to be silent. – Sir John Burgoyne

No more tears now; I shall think upon a revenge. – Mary, Queen of Scots

I’m not going to say anything because nobody believes me when I do. – Ringo Starr

It is dangerous to confuse children with angels. – David Fyfe

We invent what we love, and what we fear. – John Irving

There is still no cure for the common birthday. – John Glenn

I love to put on lotion. I try to find brands that don’t taste bad in case anyone wants to lick me. – Angelina Jolie

Efficiency is intelligent laziness. – David Dunham

He is very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head. – Margot Asquith

A nondescript, adenoidal, weasel-eyed, narrow-chested, stoop-shouldered repulsive-looking creature with all the outward appearance of a cretin. – Burton Roscoe

If people don’t sit at Chaplin’s feet, he goes out and stand where they are sitting. – Herman J. Mankiewicz

I didn’t think John Diefenbaker was a son of a bitch. I thought he was a prick. – John F. Kennedy

I return your seasonal greetings card with contempt. May your hypocritical words choke you, and may they choke you early in the New Year, rather than later. – Professor Kenneth Lindsay

Christmas is a conspiracy to make single people feel lonely. – Armistead Maypin

Of course I'm crazy, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong. – Robert Anton Wilson

Happy Birthday, Johnny. Live beyond your income, travel for enjoyment, follow your own nose. – W. H. Auden

Outer space isn’t remote at all. It’s only an hour’s drive away if your car could go straight up. – Sir Fred Hoyle

Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes. – Jack Handey

Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. – Alan W. Watts

Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. – Fran Lebowitz

May God have mercy on my enemies, because I won't. – Patton

I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him. – Booker T. Washington

To err is human, to blame the next guy even more so. – Anon

We are all mutants. Some of us are more mutant than others. – Armand Leroi

Of course life is bizarre. The more bizarre it gets, the more interesting it is. – David Gerrold

Men are good in one way, but bad in many. – Aristotle

A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. – Aristotle

Man is condemned to be free. – Jean-Paul Sartre

Hell is other people. – Jean-Paul Sartre

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. – Anon

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. – Anon

Bad habits are hard to break. Especially if you like them. – Fortune Cookie

On a scale of one to ten, I'm not Brad Pitt. – Anon

I’m a dork and I embrace it. – Anon

Admiration is the daughter of ignorance. – Benjamin Franklin

Adventure must start with running away from home. – William Bolitho

It would be nice if the poor were to get even half of the money that is spent studying them. – Bill Vaughan

The poor man is not he who is without a cent, but he who is without a dream. – Harry Kemp

Society drives people crazy with lust and calls it advertising. – John Lahr

Advertising is a ten billion dollar a year misunderstanding with the public. – Chester L. Posey

If you can afford to advertise, you don’t need to. – Norman R. Augustine

Advertising is legalised lying. – H. G. Wells

Common sense is not so common. – Francis Marie Arovet

No vice is as bad as advice. – Anon

Too much agreement kills a chat. – Eldridge Cleaver

Each man reads his own meaning into New York. – Meyer Berger

I am willing to love all mankind, except an American. – Samuel Johnson

My child was not conceived by me, but by the universe. – Celine Dion

A signature always reveals a man’s character. And sometimes even his name. – Evan Esar

Everything comes to he who hustles while he waits. – Henry Ford

People who drink to drown their sorrows should be told that sorrow knows how to swim. – Ann Landers

I will indulge my sorrows, and give way to all the pangs and fury or despair. – Joseph Addison

The thing of which I have most fear is fear. – Michel Eyquem de Montaigne

I find Hollywood really toxic. – Rachel Weisz

New York is a sucked orange. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have great faith in fools – my friends call it self-confidence. – Edgar Allen Poe

The truth shall make you free, but first it shall make you angry. – Anon

You’re as useless as tits on a bull. – Anon

Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. – Kehlog Albran

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. – Josh Billings

What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. – Augustus Saint-Gaudens

Art is the only way to run away without leaving town. – Anon

The worst feature of a new baby is it’s mother’s singing. – Kim Hubbard

Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror. – Kahlil Gibran

Venimus, Vidimus, Fugimus: I came, I saw, I fled. – Anon

Press any key… no, no, no. NOT THAT ONE! – Anon

All you get from a circular argument is dizzy. – Darrin Bell

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. – Anon

Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them. – Walter Kerr

The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacked the computer around a little. – Porterfield

It takes an earthquake to remind us that we walk on the crust of an unfinished planet. – Charles Kuralt

The best measure of a man’s honesty isn't his income tax return, it’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. – Arthur C. Clarke

A perfectly managed Christmas, correct in every detail is a sure sign of something who hasn’t enough to do. – Katherine Whitehorn

When people hear good music, it makes them homesick for something they never had and never will have. – Edgar Watson Howe

Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business. – Dave Barry

In case you ever run out of gift ideas, here’s a little tip: give me your laugh. Whether it is mischievous, tender, loud or quiet, simply give me a laugh from your heart. Your laughter brings me never-ending joy. – Helmut Walsh

How often is happiness destroyed by preparation, foolish preparation. – Jane Austen

He leaves a bad taste in your eyes. – Anon

Jogging is exciting, knowing that any minute you may pass out. – Snoopy

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.” – Charlie Brown

When did I realise I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realised I was talking to myself. – Peter O’Toole

I like to keep in shape. Only problem is, that shape is a ball. – Anon

People are reluctant to cite boredom as grounds for divorce. – Mason Cooley

The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness. – Abraham Maslow

All human evil comes from a single cause, man’s inability to sit still in a room. – Blaise Pascal

Sometimes I need what only you can provide – your absence. Ashleigh Brilliant

Absence makes thy heart grow fonder – of somebody else. – Anon

The absence of war is not peace. – Harry S. Truman

I dote on his very absence. – William Shakespeare

Accident is the name of the greatest of all inventors. – Mark Twain

I’m glad I did it, partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again. – Mark Twain

If you do everything you should do, and do not do anything you should not do, you will, according to the best available statistics, live exactly eighteen hours longer than you would otherwise. – Logain Clandering

Acting is standing up naked and turning around very slowly. – Rosalind Russell

The actor should be able to create the universe in the palm of his hand. – Laurence Olivier

I’m just looking for that moment to drop my Jedi knickers and pull out my real light saber. – Ewan McGregor

An actor is a sculptor who carves in snow. – Lawrence Barrett

Actors search for rejection. If they don’t get it, they reject themselves. – Charlie Chaplin

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