Speak to me baby
In the middle of the night
Speak to me
Hold your mouth to mine
'Cause the sky is breaking
It's deeper than love
I know the way you feel
Like the rains outside
So speak to me.
~ Lyrics by Moby
“Xan? Luv? Can we talk for a mo?” Spike asked, his voice unsure. Cordelia smiled reassuringly at him.
“I think we’re done here, right, Xan?” she said, standing. Xander nodded, but his smile was gone. He was sure this was the moment Spike would end their relationship. He hoped Cordy, Wes, Gunn, and Angel would help him pick up the pieces of his heart when it shattered.
Cordelia smiled at both of them, though her eyes were troubled at the expressions on both their faces. She exited the room, and Spike moved to sit on the bed, slightly farther away from Xander than the spot she had vacated.
“Hey,” Xander said softly in greeting.
“Hey,” Spike replied in kind. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Spike turned to face Xander, and took a deep breath. “Pet, we need to talk.”
Xander sighed, and blinked back the tears he knew were trying to form. “I know what you’re going to say. I knew you were going to leave me, I’d just…I hoped it wouldn’t be so soon.”
“No, it’s okay. I mean, I know I’m not nearly as beautiful as you, and I know I’m messed up, so I can’t really blame you, you know, for wanting something better, because we both know you can get better than some goofy-looking kid with a freighter full of emotional baggage, and I shouldn’t have asked you to stay so long, when I should have seen that you were unhappy…”
“Really, though, I know I’m selfish, but I just don’t know if I can let you go, and I’m sorry if this is only making it harder for you to leave, but I just can’t let you walk out on me without at least trying to fight for you, because I love you and I don’t know if I can do this without you, and…”
“XANDER!” Spike finally shouted, managing to pull Xander from his rant. Xander’s head shot up and he looked at Spike. “I’m not leaving you, you git! Where the bloody hell did you get that idea? I thought we dealtwith this!”
“I…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you angry,” Xander said, flushing hotly.
“Just tell me what put this bullshit idea in your head.”
“I…Okay. Last week, when we kissed…you pulled away. And then you went into your room, and you…I shouldn’t have been looking, I’m sorry, but I saw you, and you were so hot, and then all week you’ve been avoiding me.”
“Right,” Spike said, puzzled. His brows were furrowed, and he was looking at the floor in confusion. “I stopped kissing you to go jerk off, and you think that means I’m leaving you?”
“Well, I mean, you could have stayed and kissed me.”
“No, I couldn’t have.”
“Yes you could have! I like kissing you, Spike! I love you, and kissing you is amazing, and you left!” Xander was angry now. Spike had said he wasn’t leaving, and now that Xander wasn’t worried about his lover going away, he was angry. Spike had spent a week pretty much not talking to him, and Xander felt he deserved a decent explanation.
“That’s the problem! I like kissing you, Xan. I always have! But it’s been so long…I liked it too much. If I didn’t stop right then, I was going to…I didn’t want to set off another flashback, love,” Spike finished on a whisper. Xander’s eyes softened immediately.
“I just don’t want you to hurt anymore, Xan. And if I…if I caused it…I mean, I caused it in the first place. I don’t want to see you like that anymore at all, let alone because of something I did.”
Xander wrapped his arms around Spike and held him tightly. Spike’s arms encircled the comforting warmth of his lover, and they held one another for long moments, giving and receiving comfort.
“I thought we’d gotten past all this bullshit about me leaving,” Spike said, not letting Xander go. Xander sighed.
“I know. You keep saying you aren’t going to leave me, and I keep trying to believe you, but then something like this happens, and I just…I don’t know, I guess I forget the promises, you know?”
Spike kissed Xander’s forehead gently. “Have I ever, ever broken a promise to you, love?”
“Well, no, but that’s because you love me. If you stopped loving me, you would.”
“And what the hell makes you think I’m going to stop…no, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. But you need to realize, Xander, that I’m not going to stop loving you. Not ever. No matter what happens, I will always, always love you. And as long as I love you, you’re not going to get rid of me that easily.”
“Promise?” Xander said with a tiny smile.
“I promi…” Spike broke off to glare at the teasing light in Xander’s eyes. Spike’s eyes turned serious once more. “I promise, Xander. I love you, and I’m not leaving you.”
Finally Xander pulled away. “So…why have you been avoiding me all week?” Xander asked, gazing into Spike’s blue eyes beseechingly. Spike sighed again, and pulled Xander into another embrace.
“Truth is, pet, I don’t trust myself. If I’m around you, if I remember what it’s like to kiss you…I don’t think I can stop myself from doing it, you know? And I don’t want to set you off by being selfish.” Spike sighed again.
Xander let out a rueful chuckle. “Honey, did it ever occur to you that maybe I want you to kiss me? I mean, I can’t say I’m ready to do much else, but honestly…when you kissed me last week…I wasn’t thinking about anything but you. And it was wonderful. It’s been so long since I just…forgot all about all my problems. All that concerned me in that moment was your lips, how good they tasted, and how much I missed them,” Xander said, pulling back just far enough so that he could look into Spike’s eyes again.
Spike’s eyes darkened with desire, and Xander felt an answering pull deep in his belly. Xander let out a small whimpering sigh, and wet his lips slightly with his tongue. Spike groaned and suddenly latched himself to his lover’s lips.
Mouths mashed hotly, lips sliding wetly together to the chorus of gentle, ravenous moans as the two men finally allowed themselves to let go and just be together, the way they had been before all of this.
Xander couldn’t think. Spike’s lips shut down his brain until there was nothing but Spike’s lips, Spike’s kiss, Spike.
Spike was in about the same predicament. Kissing Xander was like embarking on a strange new world, every time, but at the same time it was like coming home, finally, after a long, arduous journey. Xander tasted like salt, chocolate, coffee, and simply Xander. The taste was heady, and it made Spike’s head spin.
Xander felt like he was falling in love all over again. Kissing Spike had always been wonderful, but at the best of times, it wasn’t quite this sweet. Suddenly, everything made sense to Xander, but he didn’t think he could string enough consonants together to make a coherent effort at an actual word. He felt that familiar rumble in his groin, and he groaned.
Spike’s hands were all over Xander’s chest and back, roaming quickly and randomly, trying to touch as much as he could. Xander groaned suddenly, and Spike’s answering low growl caused Xander to yank his head back, panting as he tried to refocus his eyes.
“Fuck,” Spike whispered, running a hand through his hair. “Xan, pet, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
“Shut up,” Xander said after a moment of blinking. He continued to pant. “Just…just shut up.” At Spike’s crestfallen expression, Xander stroked his sharp cheek. “I’m not mad, Spike. I just…now I get what you meant about having to stop before you couldn’t, okay?”
Spike smiled, suddenly smug. “Knew I was a good kisser.”
Xander laughed and kissed Spike chastely on his already kiss-swollen lips. “Yeah, dummy. You’re a good kisser.”
Back To Mercy
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