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Not Pretty Enough

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

~ Lyrics by Kasey Chambers

When they entered the hotel, the gang was all there. Cordelia, Angel, Wesley and Gunn were crowded in the lobby, waiting for Spike and Xander and trying to look like they weren’t waiting. When Spike and Xander entered the lobby, the four turned and immediately began asking questions.

“How was your session?” Angel asked gently.

“You doin’ okay, man?” Gunn asked, his eyes wide and eager to smooth over any problems that may have occurred.

“How’d it go?” asked Cordy.

“Good evening,” Wesley said, his eyes asking the same questions as the others.

“It was fine,” Xander said with a self-conscious smile.

“Sod off,” Spike reiterated, ushering Xander up the stairs to their rooms.

As soon as the vampire and his lover were out of hearing range, Angel turned to Wesley, Gunn, and Cordelia.

“Okay, we need to try and remember to be sensitive to Xander, guys. Try not to set him off, and make him feel as comfortable as possible.”

“I think that is the best course of action until we’ve determined just how much better Xander is doing with his therapy,” Wesley agreed.

Spike followed Xander up the stairs, and they went to Xander’s room, where Xander sat on the bed and stared at the floor for long moments.

“What’s up, pet?” Spike asked, sitting down beside him and taking his hand.

“Just thinking. I mean, that went well, you know? I feel better already, and I’ve only had one session.”

“Yeah. I can tell you’re doing better.” Spike kissed Xander gently on the lips, and Xander’s tongue snuck out to sip at Spike’s lips, issuing an invitation to deepen the kiss. Spike groaned and almost deepened the kiss before he remembered himself and pulled away reluctantly. He kissed Xander’s cheek and practically ran to his own room, closing the door behind him.

It had been too long since Xander had kissed him that way. It wasn’t passion forced by the desire for things to be back to normal. It wasn’t passion to placate him. It was true, real, desire in Xander, wanting to kiss Spike with a passion they hadn’t been able to have for weeks. And Spike wanted it too much.

Xander was getting better, but Spike didn’t feel as though the young man was ready for intimacy just yet. He wasn’t sure he was ready. Oh, he wanted his dark-haired boy, more than he wanted anything in the world, but Xander was still recovering. Spike didn’t want to cause a setback. He didn’t think either of them could handle that kind of halt in progress at this point.

But kissing Xander’s hot, wet lips had left an ache in Spike’s heart and a bulge in his pants. Spike sat on his bed, rubbing at his temples. He thought of baseball. He thought of Dawn. He even thought of a chaos demon, but none would cause his erection to wilt. It had been too long since he’d gotten any action, even with his hand, and the memory of Xander’s lips was too fresh. Spike sighed and took off his duster and shirt, throwing them on the floor. He unbuckled his belt and threw it on the pile before stepping out of his jeans and leaving them to the same fate.

He laid down on top of the bed, not bothering to get under the covers, and sighed. He felt guilty about what he was about to do, but he knew he had no choice at this point. Xander’s kiss had been too powerful.

Spike’s hand slowly slid to his straining manhood. Spike was shocked at how hard and ready he was, from just one real kiss shared with Xander. Had he been craving a real, passionate kiss for that long? Granted, he didn’t mind the comfort kisses, or the perfunctory kisses, because a kiss with Xander was still a kiss with Xander. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed these types of kisses until he remembered what exactly he was missing.

Spike’s hand fisted his darkened erection quickly; he wasn’t being particularly fancy about jerking off. He was going to get it out of his system, then go downstairs and drink some blood. Then he’d check on Xander again. For some reason, he didn’t want to finish this and see Xander immediately. He felt guilty about leaving his lover to go jerk off in another room. Something just seemed cold about it.

Spike’s hand made slight slapping sounds against his skin, and his eyes closed as he felt himself nearing orgasm. His other hand reached down and began fondling his balls, his thumb sweeping the head of his cock with each stroke, until his hips arched slightly off the bed, all his muscles tensing, and a low whine emerged from deep in his throat. Cool, white liquid poured over his knuckles, and he lay panting for a long moment, eyes still closed.

He didn’t hear or see Xander slip the door shut again and go back into his own room, his face flushed with embarrassment and disappointment. He couldn’t help but feel as though he wasn’t good enough for Spike. He hadn’t really seen Spike naked before, if one didn’t count the night all hell broke loose their first attempt at a sexual relationship, but he’d seen enough tonight to know that he would never, ever measure up to the pale beauty that was Spike.

Spike’s skin was like ivory, and his muscles were taut and tight. There was almost no fat on his body, and every movement was like liquid under his skin. His cock had been large, heavy with arousal. Spike had been aroused, and instead of kissing Xander, he had gone into his own room to jerk off.

That was what was hurting Xander the most. That Spike had had the opportunity to really, really kiss Xander, and he had left. Xander had missed the easiness with which they had kissed before all of this had happened. Tonight, he had felt comfortable enough to really kiss his lover, and Spike had left the room to jerk off by himself. Xander didn’t really know how to react, but he knew he felt inadequate. He began to wonder why Spike stayed with him at all. He was a broken shell. He wasn’t nearly as good-looking as Spike, or any of Spike’s previous lovers. Xander had to see a shrink, for goodness sake. He was a freak. How could he expect Spike to stay with him? Xander laid on his own bed, curled on his side to face the wall, and sulked to himself.

Half an hour later, Spike knocked on his door, smiling gently and holding out a cup of hot chocolate.

“Hey, love. Brought you something,” Spike said, nudging Xander’s shoulder. Xander sighed and sat up, taking the mug from Spike’s hands with a small, forced smile.

“Thanks,” he murmured, taking a sip.

“The cheerleader and the fairies are ordering food. Wanna go put in an order?”

Xander nodded and stood, taking his cup downstairs, trying to keep from looking at Spike. He knew if he looked into Spike’s eyes, he would beg Spike to love him half as much as he loved Spike, and that would just be undignified. He had little enough dignity as it was.

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