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I watched you fall
I think I pushed
Maybe I’m crazy
Maybe I’m diminished
Maybe I’m innocent
Maybe I’m finished


“Xan, I told you already, it’s okay if we’re late.”

“Yeah, I know, but I like the previews. I don’t want to miss them.”

“You never watch the previews. You spend the whole time in the dark kissing me, until the movie comes on, and I’m all hot and bothered, but you sit there and eat your popcorn and watch the bloody three hour movie.” Xander rolled his eyes. How many times had they had this discussion?

“And then I kiss you goodnight and make you go home to wank yourself silly, while I go to bed and have a nice, long sleep. Is that right, or did I need to add in a ‘bloody’ in there too?” Xander smirked, looking at his boyfriend with a mixture of exasperation and adoration.

“Er…yeah. That about covers it.” Spike looked slightly disgruntled, but by the time he was ready with a retort, Xander was ready to leave the apartment and go to the movies. They rode in Xander’s car, with Spike still looking slightly confused. Xander pulled the car over.

What are you looking like that for?” he asked, letting out a sigh.

“Never told you I went home and wanked.”

“No, but you told Dawn. Did you really think she wasn’t going to tell me?”


“Look, Spike, I’m sorry. I know that you want to…do things I’m not ready to do.”

“Pet, we don’t have to…”

“Yes, we do have to talk about this,” Xander sighed. “Eventually, we’re going to have to talk about this, because eventually I’ll be ready to do it, and I’d like to talk about it with you first. Before I screw up.”

Spike leaned across the seat and kissed Xander very gently on the lips.

“You know, Xander, I’ve been walking around for over a hundred years. Not like I’ve never played the piper by myself. Don’t mind doin’ it, either, if it makes you happy.” Spike lowered his eyes, mumbling a little bit. Xander’s heart melted a little more.

“It’s not that it makes me happy, or that I don’t want you. Most of the time, I can’t do anything but think of how much I want you. But I’m afraid. Can I be scared?”

Spike gave him an affectionate smile. “Git. Course you can.” They kissed again, and then drove on in silence. Xander parked the car, and just as they were about to get out, Spike, without looking at the human, spoke. “Wouldn’t hurt you, you know. Not ever.” Then he had extricated himself from the vehicle, and Xander couldn’t respond.

After the movie, they went back to Xander’s apartment, hands interlocked. They went inside, sat on the couch, and Xander laid his head on Spike’s shoulder while they watched TV, hands still interlocked.

It was so nice to just be together. They didn’t get the chance very often, with Xander working long shifts and both of them helping Buffy with patrolling. Nights like this, where they could simply rest in each others’ arms and enjoy each others’ company were few and far between. They planned to enjoy it while they could.

Spike turned his head and placed a soft kiss on Xander’s dark hair. Xander sighed and cuddled in closer to his vampire boyfriend. Hands still joined, Spike raised his other hand to the side of Xander’s face and gently brought their mouths together.

The kiss started slowly, softly, and soon built heat to rival the sweetest pits of hell. Tongues dueled, hands roamed torsos, and gentle moans escaped from both men. Spike suddenly pulled away, lust burning in his eyes, staring into Xander’s. He was asking a silent question, and Xander took a moment to think.

Was he ready? Could he do this, here, now, with Spike?

The answer was simple, and he smiled nervously, eyes casting downward. When he looked up, back into Spike’s eyes, he nodded almost imperceptibly.

It took a moment, but soon Spike’s mouth was back on his with a force it hadn’t shown before. His hands were everywhere, pulling at Xander’s limbs and clothing, and Xander enjoyed the ride. Spike gently unbuttoned his shirt, their mouths never separating, and pushed the offending article of clothing back off tanned shoulders. His fingers ghosted over exposed skin, causing a moan to escape from Xander’s throat. Xander’s hands nervously began to push Spike’s black T-shirt up, touching the cool skin of his hard belly. Spike showed his enjoyment by pressing forward, so that his hips brushed up against Xander’s.

“Still sure, love?” Spike asked, breaking the kiss but keeping his hands on Xander’s skin.

“Yeah,” Xander replied, diving back for Spike’s mouth.

Spike pulled his hips back a little and undid his jeans before shimmying out of them. He was completely naked, and Xander stared, eyes comically wide. Spike graced him with a leer, then reached for Xander’s own jeans. As soon as they were off, and Xander, too, was completely naked, Spike returned to Xander’s mouth, suddenly gentle again.

He carefully leaned them back on the sofa so that Spike was resting his weight on his elbows and knees, barely hovering above Xander’s body. His lips gently nibbled at Xanders, then down his neck, to his collarbone, down to one nipple, further to his navel, until he was sucking gently on the soft skin before Xander’s pubic hair started. Xander’s erection gently nudged his chin, and he moved down some more until he was gently kissing the slightly leaking tip.

“God, Spike,” Xander moaned, finally breaking the not-silence of his heavy breathing throughout Spike’s ministrations.

Spike replied by slowly licking Xander’s cock from base to tip, and Xander’s hips thrust upwards of their own accord. Before his buttocks could make contact with the sofa again, Spike engulfed him to the root, and Xander let out a strangled cry and thrust up again. Then Spike was at his mouth, kissing him roughly, passionately, and completely. His own hips rested between Xander’s spread legs, while Xander’s hands caressed his ribcage.

“Feels so good, Xan,” Spike murmured against his lips. Xander simply groaned, and shifted his hips up, trying to feel friction on his cock. Spike smirked at his boyfriend evilly. “Want me to make it even better?”

“Get lube,” Xander gritted out, out of breath and eyes burning with lust.

Spike practically jumped up and grabbed his jeans, diving his hand in the pocket and coming up with a small blue tube of lubricant. He carefully slathered it onto his fingers, then looked expectantly at Xander.

“Turn over,” he instructed, a note of commanding to his tone. Xander shivered, and his heart rate sped up, which Spike took to be a good reaction, but complied. He was soon bent over the couch cushion, shivering.

Spike simply stared at his ass, loving the way Xander was so open for him. But he was shaking like a leaf. Spike figured he must still be scared.

Spike reached a hand out, and lovingly stroked the curve of his buttock. With the intimate touch, the parting of his firm cheeks, a cold sweat broke out over Xander's brow, goosebumps ran down his back, and a sickening ache began to spread in his stomach. Spike noticed the increase in fear, and decided he needed to slow things down a little bit.

“Xan, luv, it’ll be…” Spike started, moving to touch Xander’s back reassuringly, but Xander suddenly reared up and ran.

“No! No! Please! I’ll be good! Please! I promise! Stop! No! I’ll be good! Good! Good!” Xander had started screaming hysterically, then eventually wound up rocking, staring into space, muttering the last word to himself over and over again.

All this had taken place in the space of about 5 seconds, and Spike stood there, completely shell-shocked.

“Xan? Xander? You okay, love?” No response. Only the same muttered mantra and senseless rocking in the corner.

“Xander?” Spike tried again, moving toward Xander, reaching out a hand to touch him, calm him, anything. Xander simply scurried back into the wall, turned away from the room, and continued rocking, banging his head against the drywall with each rock forward. He was no longer repeating “good”, but “no” over and over again.

Spike had no idea what to do. Xander was having some sort of breakdown. He was shivering, sweating, and acting generally crazy. Spike stood in indecision for a few seconds, but when the banging of Xander’s head against the wall started to ease up slightly, he nodded his head to himself, moved to the couch, and slipped on his jeans. Then he picked up the phone, and pressed the first button on the speed dial. When the connection was made, he spoke quickly and quietly. “I need your help. Come to the apartment now.” And hung up the phone.

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