15 February 2005
A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes...
Have you ever dreamt of saving the world? Of saving that damsel in distress? Of carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and finally conquering it alone? I’ve been a daydreamer for as long as I’ve known. But not just a regular one, a compulsive daydreamer. Here, let me explain.
By compulsive daydreamer, I mean not only daydreaming consistently, but sometimes acting it out. I remember when I was young, after watching a Robin Hood cartoon movie (in which Robin Hood was a fox, how clever), I would imagine myself as Robin Hood, dodging the weasels’ arrows and fighting my way through the ranks. I would run around the house wild, jumping left and right, and slash the air here the executioner was. Okay, so this is normal for a 7 year old kid right? Here’s another example.
I love Chinese soap operas. Not the boring ones where they sit around, talk, and play dramatic music whenever bad news is mentioned; I like kung fu soap operas. I’ve always been attracted to movies with special effects like lasers coming out of people’s hands, explosives and colors flinging from their fists, and oh yes, the running on air trick. Anyways, I too would pretend I was the main hero, but only better looking and 1000 times more powerful (you know what that means right? Yep, shooting radiation waves out of my hands!). I would fantasize about defeating the best of the best and becoming the, “teen ha di yut” of the world. Now, being compulsive, remember, I acted it out too. I would jump around on my bed, on my parent's bed, my grandmas bed, my sisters bed, anyone’s bed, and flip around and perform very swift punch moves. Of course, in order for me to shoot out a laser I had to first do the preparatory movement, which usually involved swinging my arms around my head, holding them still in front of my chest for 4 seconds, and then unwinding to unleash one terrible blast! Wow! I was amazing….I was 16.
So it goes on…..I fantasized about being a Power Ranger (oh yes, my very own purple ranger, age 10-13), Transformer-Beast Wars (Penguinbot, 13-14), Pokemon master (16-17), WWF Superstar (oh yes, I defeated Kane AND Undertaker, 16-17), and now….I am 20 years old. Thankfully I have not attempted to be a Yu-Gi-Oh duelist, although Buster Blader is a cool guy.
So what am I like now? I’m different. Want to hear?
While at college, I’ve made certain sacrifices in my life that have affected me….positive? negative? I’m not sure…..the outcome right now is positive and I thank God for that. But these choices have had a great impact on my heart. You see, I love being alone. I love thinking to myself. And…of course, I love compulsive daydreaming. So here’s how it boils down. These choices I’ve made have really brought my heart down at many times. I do not like to share often. As Tim Ho says, “When Hoy talks, he spills everything at one time.” That’s how far I go to keep myself away from others. I like to handle things on my own. So what does that have to do with daydreams? Well, I no longer dream of catching all 250+ pokemon, but still have a little action in my head. Check it out.
Love. It is like drinking Sprite on a hot day. It’s also like forgetting your deodorant on a hott day sometimes. I’ve been on the tough and rough side this past semester with my girlfriend. Many times, I’ve felt alone, forgotten, and have wondered how this could happen. I’m angry…I’m confused…frustrated….My immediate solution was to fix it in my head by daydreaming.
Here’s another one. Picture this: My friends are all captured in chains by a band of Orcs. They are nasty creatures. My friends are put into wooden cages and locked in. Suddenly, a dark figure in a baggy cloak with hood approaches. The Orcs attack first and ask questions later. The swords are drawn (one for left hand one for right. I’m a hero, we don’t need shields). Slash! Ting, chook! Dead, all dead. Coolly walking to the wooden cage, I give it a swift slice and the cage falls apart. Everyone is happy to see me but confused because prior to this meeting, I have been turned evil by the evil Eye. They stare in wonder…is there still good in him?
Wow…check this one out: Similar scene, except in this one, I face innumerable odds. I am surrounded on all sides by either Orcs or mighty warriors (not putty patrollers). I battle my way through….the goal? To reach my girlfriend before the head Orc rips her body in two. My friends, Tim and Miller are held back and bear hugged by Orcs. I am alone. I charge into the mud pile. Slashing randomly and beating anything in my way. A high swing at the nearest Orc….a miss…two swords stabbed into my sides….I stand ready to fall. I think to myself, ‘must save my lady!’ and in a valiant effort, chop both Orcs who have stabbed me into 2 pieces. I lunge forward, only to be confronted by 4 more. I kill all of them and struggle to stand. Almost there! I lunge again, 2 this time. I go for the one of the right, swing and miss…injured…too slow…sliced on my back. I arch in pain. Another sword into my stomach. Noo, must fight on! In a final effort, I plunge my swords into the 2 Orcs, pull out one of the swords, throw it at the Orc holding my lady and then I slowly collapse. Eyeing her as I fall…..’Don’t worry about me…Live on.’ “No! Don’t….” ‘You’ll be fine….’ ….gone….rest in peace…weeping female and mourning friends…..I am a hero, falling for my maiden.
How much more of this? Hmmm, one more friends.
Jesus week is approaching. I finally get to serve! I am the ACF representative for Pitt and it is my job to propose an idea to the ACF ministry team. So what do I do? Oh yes, dress sharp, make a PowerPoint that personally appeals to everyone on the MT, and get ready to kick butt. I enter the room, looking slick and confident. My idea is the best by the way, the best in the world. I start the presentation. Crack a sly joke at Tim Chen. I am impressive and the ministry team is eating every one of my words. Wow…I must be sooooo Godly. I know my stuff, I love my God.
END…..
Weird? I’d say…but I bet some of you readers may daydream like this as well. Doesn’t it feel great? I love lifting my spirit like this! It’s so effective and I don’t need to talk to anyone. Awesome….there’s one flaw.
I once talked to a close friend of mines. He daydreams too. He daydreams about taking a bullet for a girl. His girl. She mourns….he gets pity. I can relate…I shared a little about my dreams too. It was a fun conversation until I realized…is this healthy? It seemed like we overly daydreamt and it was usually to make ourselves feel better about something we did not have (like attention, a girl, etc.). Interesting....
......
Throughout this past year, I’ve been touched by love, I’ve been touch by hate, I’ve been touched by pride, I’ve been touched by depression, I’ve been touched by jealousy…and I don’t always know how to cope with it. So I daydream…compulsively. I’ve come to realize that I depend on my daydreams to reinstate my stature. Everyone in my daydreams either hail me or pity me, just what I need. You know those difficulties with my girlfriend? Yep, in my daydreams, I got pity, so I felt better. Even if she didn’t want to talk to me, I didn’t need her pity, I got it already. Ever have one of those days where it seems like you’re doing everything wrong and you’re such a loser? I have, especially after calculus 2 and 3 classes. My solution? Be a hero, slay a planet of Orcs. Think you’re inadequate in serving the Lord? Me too. Come on now, daydream with me. I’m awesome in my head. No one can stop this!
How I came to realize that my daydreams were my life support, I do not know. Without them I would have fallen to deep, dark, thinking, where I would blame myself for everything and be down on myself forever. Without them, I wouldn’t have been able to cope with tough times with my girlfriend. Without them, I would be small in the eyes of God. Without them, I wouldn’t get any attention, I would be small and insignificant.
’Wow, thanks God for my daydreams. I can’t live without them.’
”Hoy, what are you talking about?”
’Well, I would have fallen apart if it weren’t for them. Thanks, man!’
”Hoy, where is your security?”
’huh?’
”To What do you find your comfort in?”
’In….you….okay okay, I’m lying! Stop seeing through me! I find comfort in my daydreams. I find comfort when my girlfriend and I are not doing so well and she says something mushy to cheer me up and assure me that she’s there. I find comfort in other people praising me. I find comfort when I walk alone on the streets and dream about being a hero.’
”How often do you walk?”
’Oh, just when I’m coming back from class and walking to cmu…’
”Really? My GPS says differently”
’okayokay! So I intentionally take the long way around buildings so I can daydream longer and more thoroughly….okayokay! I make intentional trips to walk around outside for hours to daydream…..what do you want? You gave me these daydreams, I love them!’
”Hoy, I gave you my son. I gave you love. I gave you hope. I gave you a room in my Kingdom. Hoy, I love you dearly (God wipes His eyes).”
’……’
After that meeting, God taught me many things about himself. He taught me about his faithfulness. In a time when it felt as if my dear friend had left me and my life was falling apart, God was there. When my friends turned their faces from me and ignored me, I got a glimpse of what God feels when we turn our face away from Him and put our trust and desires in objects and people. He hurts…..badly….When a dear friend did something horrible, I was angry, but God showed me how even though I’ve done horrible things in my life, He still forgave me and I should forgive others even if they don’t see it as bad.
What God revealed to me was Himself. He didn’t want me to hide in my daydreams all my life to make myself feel better. He wanted me to jump into His arms so he can hold me and love me.
In actuality, my daydreams were hurting me. They were making me depend on something else rather than God, which I learned was pointless. You can’t firmly put your life on anything in this earth but God. People will fail you, so will feelings. Allow me to correct myself from before concerning daydreams….Because of daydreams, I realize that I do NOT need peoples' acceptance and approval of me. Because of daydreams, I do NOT seek pity from my girlfriend when something is wrong but rather talk to her and sort things out. Because of daydreams, I pray to God more, call out His name and know that He has the best plan for my life. He is my hope.
Let me leave you with a present:
werd.
