The Number 2 Rule of College

by Jared Lui, Special Guest Columnist

My mom used to tell me that whenever I need to go number 2 in a public toilet or any toilet other than our own, I should always put toilet paper on the seat regardless of how clean it looks. Being the good son I am, I’ve followed this edict my entire life. However, now that I’m in college, I’ve realized that I need to take extra precautions when using the toilet.

I first realized that my mom’s mandate could not be applied in college when I discovered that we are supplied with one-ply toilet paper, or in the case of Penn State, half-ply. If you think about it, using one-ply toilet paper is pretty much blatant cheek-to-seat contact. To bring it to the next level, think of all the cheeks that have used the toilet before you. Think of where all those cheeks have been before then. Think of that kid on your floor that doesn’t shower. Yeah, his cheeks have touched the seat too. The fact that I can feel the texture of the toilet seat seals the deal for me, I need something more. Here are some suggestions for remedying this:

1.) Bring Lysol or some other cleaning agent into the toilet

The logic is simple for this: clean the toilet before you use it. This probably would take a lot more effort than you want to exert especially if you’re four inches dilated and you really need to go. However, this method will really assure you that your butt will not be contaminated.

2.) 2-ply, 3-ply, 4-ply

Raise the ply! Increase the distance between your butt and the seat. No one wants to feel the rough texture of the seat due to a previous person’s chocolate thunder. Setting up the extra ply on the toilet may take some effort and skill though. Usually after I set up one piece of paper on the left side of the seat, as I’m placing another piece on the right side, the left side falls into the toilet. This can be the most irritating thing especially if you really need to go. So I suggest you practice placing the paper on the toilet. Try to figure out the perfect length, because too long will result in it falling off the seat, while too short will not provide the proper protection.

3.) Know the hand that cleans the toilet

In my dorm, someone always comes in to clean the toilets in the morning. All you need to do is find out what time this person comes in and pounce on the toilet once the cleaning is complete. If no one cleans the toilet for you, then I suggest you do suggestion number 1. Now this may force you to drop the deuce at the same time everyday, but it turns out this is a healthy thing to do.

Another topic I should bring up is privacy. Some people prefer to make their Hershey kisses in private so I will provide some ideas for this. But first, let me expel a rumor regarding privacy. I highly suggest that you not go look for a secret, private toilet that only you know about on campus. If you consider the size of your school, odds are that you aren’t the only person to have found this private toilet. I remember in high school there was a nice, private toilet in one building. It even had a plant in the room. But the problem was everyone knew about it. So it ended up that this bathroom probably got used more than the public ones that students were supposed to use. So unless you constructed the toilet yourself in a room that no one else can access, your cheeks will not be safe. Now that we’ve expelled the rumor, here’s how you can turn a public bathroom into a private one.

1.) Wait for a fire drill

Just wait for the fire alarm to go off. As everyone is running out of the building, just hop into the bathroom and let the river flow. The problem with this is that fire drills usually happen once every semester and I don’t think you can hold it for that long. This makes me wonder. If there’s really a fire and you just happen to be in the middle of taking a dump, what exactly would you do?

2.) Become an owl

No, this doesn’t not mean you should poop in pellet form. Wait until the wee (or shall I say poo?) hours of the night to poop. People apply this logic with laundry and showering, why not use it for this?

3.) Poker night

Make every night poker night on your floor! Just get everyone who would use the toilet on your floor to play poker. On the first hand, just go all in, or just be really careless with your chips. Hopefully you’ll be the first person to get knocked out. After an elaborate show of disdain, hop into the water closet, because it’s all yours now. This may be a little expensive, but who can put a price on privacy?

4.) Out of order sign

Just put an out of order sign in front of the bathroom every time you use it. The only awkward part is that people will notice that the toilet always gets broken and you’re the only person that is using it.