"Maddy, come on dear," I reply to my daughter and push the grocery cart forward. My 6 year old daughter Madeline is looking at some coloring books as we pass them on the toilet tissue aisle. I grab a few paper towels as Maddy throws a coloring book and some crayons in the buggy.
"Sorry but we can't get these Maddy," I reply and pick up the items to hand them back to her.
"Here, just get them for her," A voice calls behind me and puts a five dollar bill in my out-stretched hand.
"Excuse me?" I turn around to face a tall scraggly man that looks strangly familiar. His hair is madded to his forehead and those peircing blue eyes are just like Maddy's.
"Abbie, how have you been?" He asks with a faint smile and I feel a small tugging in my chest. 'No. Those feelings do not need to come up again' I think to myself and try to hand the money back to him but he declines.
"I can't take your money. She doesn't need anymore toys or crayons...Maddy let's go!" I call to my daughter and she quickly comes up beside me.
"Who are you?" She asks the man and looks at him closely.
"My name is Jordan and you must be Maddy," He smiles and holds out a hand to her. Hesitantly she takes his hand and shakes it slowly, eyes locked on his face.
That's just how I was when we first met. His face is hypnotizing and I was always staring at it. Mainly those peircing baby blues that look like two blue oceans of water. For days he was all I thought about until the day we met again and started seeing each other regularly. People thought we were good for each other and we were even engaged for a few months. Until she came along (the other woman), and I totally lost it.
We broke up and I moved on with my life, giving birth to Madeline a few months later. He was never contacted or told about his daughter and I thought it was safe that way. She didn't need all that public scrutiny from the press just because her father was famous.
I used to wake in the middle of the night just thinking about that one time. The one and only night that we gave ourselves to each other. That very night we created a child out of our love for each other. I used to just lay in bed and somehow I could still feel his long, slender fingers on my body, caressing and touching me ever so gently.
Not anymore, ever since Maddy has been born, she's all I think about. I even work two jobs just to pay for the small apartment room we have. It's not much but we like it and it's comfortable for just the two of us. We don't need anybody else to take care of us. We can do it all by ourselves....
"How have you been?" He asks and I take Maddy by the hand and pull her along with me. We walk past him and turn the corner to find a open checkout counter.
"Fine," I say with a short tone. We pull up beside a cash register and I began handing my items to the woman. I hand Maddy the coloring book and crayon box and tell her to put them back. She quietly mumbles something incoherent, then heads back to the bathroom aisle.
I give the woman some money and take Maddy's hand once again. Jordan is left behind as we head out to my car.
"Mommy, that man told us goodbye," She replies quietly as I pull out of the parking lot and head back home.
"That's good hon. Ya know, it's not good to talk to strangers. I didn't want him buying you toys," I tried to tell her the truth while my head was buzzing with thoughts of insecurity and pain.
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Later that night Maddy is watching television as the front doorbell rings. I put down the spoon that Im stiring the spagehetti sauce with and head toward the door.
I open the door to find him standing there with something behind his back.
"What are you doing here? Did you follow us?" I exclaimed with a worried voice. I just wanted him to leave us alone but he was doing the complete opposite.
"No, I wanted to just this to Maddy," He pulls out a coloring book and box of crayons from behind his back and hands them to me.
"She doesn't need that. Didn't you listen?" I decline the items and start to argue more, when he brushes past me and enters the small foyer.
"Maddy, I got you something for you," He calls out and she comes running up.
"Oh hi Mr. Jordan. Those are for me?" She asks with a smile and takes the items happily.
"Maddy, go color in the other room okay?" I instruct and she runs off back to the living room.
"What are you doing here?" I ask and sit down at the kitchen table. My head begins to ache and I quickly brush a stray tear from the corner of my eye, just before it falls.
"This is for you," He replies and hands me a small white envelope.
"What is this for?"
"Just open it,"
I do as he says and I pull out a hand full of cash. Mostly tens and fives, but it adds up to at least 500 dollars. I quickly stuff the money back in the envelope and lay it on the table.
"No. I will not take your money. You can't buy her love, Jordan. I really can't believe your doing this," I get up and laugh at the current situation. Of course I needed the money, but I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of knowing that. "This is just like you. Just because you are all rich and famous, you think you can buy her love and you don't even know that she's yours."
I start pacing the floor and run a hand through my hair.
"I know she's mine and so do you. I've always known about her. Even before she was born." He explains calmly and sits down in my empty chair.
"How? I never told you and Im sure your family didn't know."
"My brother's knew. Zac found a pregnancy test in the trash can one day. And you are the only one who could have taken it. She has my eyes and your hair."
"Well if you know, then why didn't you come find us? Or where you off on one of your busy tours?"
"I knew you didn't want to see me. We had parted ways and I didn't think it would be a good idea to just chase after you."
"Jordan, she's your daughter. Daughter! How could you not want to see her?" I look him straight in the eyes and try to keep my voice down. "We don't need you now. You don't have to pay child support or anything like that. Just please go, it's better that she doesn't know about this," I say with as much firmness in my voice as I can muster.
"That's right. She is my daughter Abbie. Don't you think I have a right to see her, even after all these years? Maybe Im ready to be a father to her. Maybe I do love her...."
"Love Her! Love her!? I don't think you understand the meaning of the word! Otherwise, you would have been her from day one. Please don't tell me that after 6 long years, you think you can just walk back into our lives like nothing ever happened. You left us because for some one night stand you had in Reno. What is she doing now? Shouldn't you go find your baby with her? Im sure she'll really want to see you. After all, she's the one you really loved right? I don't think you should even sit here and talk about love after all we went through. So just go....go! Get out!" I yell and force him up out of the chair. By now, my tears are falling down my face and Maddy comes in to see what's going on.
"Mommy, are you okay?" She asks and I try to brush the tears away before she can see.
"Im fine honey, just go back to your movie okay?" I say and by now, we are at the front door.
"Tell the nice man by sweetie," I tell her gently and she smiles up at him.
"By Mr. Jordan. Thank you for the coloring book and crayons, I even colored you a picture," She smiles and hands him a picture of a tiger that she has colored purple.
"Thanks kid," He smiles weakly and puts the folded paper in his pocket. With tear stained eyes, I send Maddy back to the living room and turn to face him.
"Let's just get one thing straight okay? Yes, she is your daughter but I don't want you seeing her until she's older. Then she'll understand better. She's just a kid Jordan and I don't think this is a good time for both of us to rehash the past like this. Just let me tell her when she get's a little older. It's better this way, trust me," I exclaim and push him out into the hall.
"Im not going to fight you for her like this, so just listen to me. Im sorry that I didn't come after you, and if I had it to do all over again, we would be married right now living in Tulsa. But that's not going to happen so I'll just leave this as it is, but please contact me when you do decide to tell her. I'd like to be there when my daughter walks down the aisle, so could you at least update me every few months or so on how she's doing? I'll at least give you the time you need if not the money, but please take this. It's all I have with me right now," He asks and hands me the envelope with money in it.
"I can't..."
"Just do it. Please?" He asks and looks at me with those amazing blue eyes of his, a small piece of hair falling across his forehead. I take a deep breathe and stuff the envelope into my pocket before I start to close the door.
"Uh, one more thing," He says and holds open the door. "Even if you don't believe me, I still love you very much and I want to help you out in anyway possible. So please don't hesitate to call."
He slips a piece of paper into my hand and touches my cheek lightly. Slowly coming towards me, he brushes his lips against mine for a split second before pulling away.
"Goodbye Abigail," He says just above a whisper then turns to leave.
Watching him go I feel the tears well up behind my eyes and I quickly force them back. I was not going to cry over him again but I made a resolution in my mind to call him every few weeks to talk about Maddy's progress.
Standing with the door open, I watch his figure go down the hall and Maddy calls out to me.
I acknowledge her presence beside me as I watch my daughter's father turn the corner.