*these are just some jokes i've compiled that i thought were funny and worthy of looking back on to brighten my mood & maybe yall can benefit from it as well but i'm NOT the author of these jokes* if you'd like to contact me & possibly share some worthy jokes, you can contact me on xanga. enjoy! =)
Always come prepared!
Needa use the bathroom??
Mmmm..yummy
..must be a beautiful site
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.' Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply: ''Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!''
A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home. On the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!" The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"
Why Nagging a Man Doesn't Work
What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW !!
Prayers
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again, "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
Randy, the Overachiever
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that would service all of his many hens, and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you." "Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy". "Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
Pick Up Lines that May Get You Killed
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I need a name to go with your face.
6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.
7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
13. Could I touch your belly button...from the inside?
14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
Mmmm..Fruit
There were 4 men; an Englishman, a Scottishman, a Welshman, and a Irishman.
They were in a foreign country and the King said to them all,
"Go find a fruit and come back with 3 of that kind," so they all went.
The Englishman came back with 3 cherrys, the king said, "Put all of them up your arse without making a sound and you will live but if you make a sound, you will die".
So the Englishman put all three cherrys up his arse without any problem.
The Scottishman came back next with 3 pears but he screamed out loud half way through the first pear and was killed.
Next came the Welshman with 3 grapes and when he put one up, he started laughing and was killed.
After he was killed he met up with the Scottishman in heaven and the Scottishman said, "Why did you laugh?"
The Welshman replied, "I saw the Irishman walking back with 3 pineapples. HA HA HA!"
:Now playing:
:.d.e.b.o.r.e..u.r.s.e.l.f.:
