Chapter 8
Let Go
“Hey you guys I want to talk to you for a second.” Tony said to Jake and Shane backstage before their show.
“You want me to get Madison?” Shane asked.
“No, I want to talk about Madison.”
Jake and Shane both raised their eyebrows and nodded for him to go on.
“Is it me or have you noticed Madison hasn’t been eating that much? And when she does it’s a lot and then she’ll skip a few meals? Am I the only one?” He asked looking between them.
“I don’t think so.” Jake replied.
“Yeah, why you don’t think she’s doing that again do you?”
Tony shrugged and looked down at his feet and back at them. “I don’t know the last I saw her do it was when we were in New York before we got her help you know. But I don’t know why she would start it again. I don’t even know why she began to in the first place, she never told me. I’m just worried about her.”
“Well, we’ll keep a closer eye on her and all that to see if she is or not.” Jake replied while Shane nodded in agreement.
“Ok, I always keep a close eye on her so you know I should know but damn it I don’t.” Tony said as Madison walked in.
“Hey guys you ready?” She asked looked at them.
They all nodded and followed her out of the room.
“So Madison since we don’t have a show tomorrow, I think we should have a movie night. Order junk food from room service and watch hella movies on the movie channels. How about it?” Tony asked Madison after the show.
“I don’t know I’m kind of tired.”
“Come on please.” He asked pouting slightly.
Madison began to laugh and said, “Ok fine.”
“Goodie.” Tony exclaimed as he jumped up and down a little.
“So what do we want to order?” Tony asked as him and Madison sat in her hotel room.
Madison shrugged, “You know I like anything.”
Tony nodded and headed over to the phone to order the room service.
Tony hung up the phone and said, “They said probably about twenty minutes. I got probably every single piece of food you could think of that’s junk of course.”
“Of course.” Madison replied rolling her eyes.
“So when you go on your date with Nick are you going to tell me all about it?”
Madison shrugged.
“Are you going to you know?”
Madison looked over at Tony wide eyed and said, “Highly doubt that.”
“Why?”
“Because I have no idea what I’m doing and well yeah.”
“Huh?”
“Never mind, just drop it ok.”
“Fine.”
“Fine.” Madison replied as she crossed her arms and continued to surf the movie channels.
After four hours and three more phone calls to room service Tony was fast asleep on one end of the couch while Madison was on the other end still watching the movie. She looked over at Tony sleeping and then over to the food that was on the table in front of her. She grabbed the bag of chips and began shoving handfuls in her mouth, then she grabbed some of the chocolate with her other hand shoving that in her mouth as well. She wasn’t even giving herself time to swallow the food before she shoved more in.
Ten minutes later she sat back on the couch silently crying as she thought of all the things she just ate. She looked back at Tony still sleeping and then slowly got up and ran into the bathroom. She pushed the door closed as she ran in but it didn’t close all the way. She fell to the ground in front of the toilet and immediately stuck her finger down her throat; emptying all the junk she just ate. She stopped as she began to cough severely. She stopped coughing and proceeded to empty her stomach. It seemed as though that it was never ending.
“What the hell are you doing?” Tony asked from the doorway. He walked over to her kneeling beside her and staring at her curiously.
She stared at him like a deer in headlights, what was she going to say? How could she explain this?
“Madison.”
“I ate too much and felt sick to my stomach, so I came in here so I wouldn’t throw up in there.” She replied looking down at her hands.
“Madison, I saw you put your finger down you throat.”
Madison’s head shot up quickly, “What?” She asked weakly.
Tony just looked at her sadly. She could feel him pitying her already. She looked back down at her hands as she began to cry. Tony wrapped his arms around her pulling her to him, hugging her tight as they rocked back and forth.
“What’s wrong with me?” She asked as she cried into his chest.
“Nothing.” He replied as he stroked her hair and looked around the room.
She continued to cry as Tony held her and rubbed her back softly.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Tony asked later as Madison laid on the hotel bed and he laid beside her.
Madison looked up at him. “I know you’re disappointed in me.” She said softly.
“Why?”
“Because I promised I’d never do this again. And I was doing great until Nick came along.”
“So this is all because of Nick?” Tony asked confused.
Madison nodded.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t think I’m pretty or skinny enough and I just don’t get it. What does he see in me? I know he knows that I’m a virgin and just completely inexperienced. It is kind of obvious to someone like him. I don’t get it. I don’t understand how someone like him could be interested in someone like me.”
Tony shook his head.
“What?”
“I don’t understand you sometimes. You are probably the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. That means a lot coming from a gay guy too. You have these amazing big blue eyes that are so expressive and then that smile, god that smile is gorgeous, put that on a guy and I’d be on him like white on rice girl.”
Madison gave him a dirty look.
“Ok sorry back to you. So you got the eyes and the smile and the body, I’d kill for your figure.”
Madison rolled her eyes and sighed heavily.
“Sorry I know stay focused. I just don’t understand how you can see that face in the mirror and not think you’re the hottest thing since Britney Spears.”
Madison cracked a smile and laughed lightly.
“Ah, got a smile I’m progressing.”
“You’re a great friend Tony.” Madison whispered as she hugged him.
“But we’re not done here.” Tony said pointing his finger at him.
Madison sighed and rolled her eyes as she sat up on the bed.
“I’m worried about you.”
“Don’t be I’ll be fine.”
“I don’t think you will. Maybe I should call your mom and we can get you on that medicine again.”
“No, I’m not depressed god Tony.” Madison replied angrily.
“I’m just trying to help.” Tony said simply.
“Well don’t.”
“You need help.”
“No, I don’t.”
Tony sighed. “I’m going to tell someone.”
“No.” Madison snapped.
“Madison this isn’t healthy.”
Madison shook her head and looked around the room.
“Madison.”
She ignored him as she stared at the wall.
“Madison.” He said again grabbing her arm.
She yanked her arm back without looking at him.
“Madison talk to me.”
“What?”
“What do you want me to do?” He asked seriously.
She turned to look at him. She studied him for a second searching his eyes and then whispered, “Make me beautiful.”
Tony stared at her not knowing what to say.
“I know you can’t. And what I really want you can’t give me anyway. So let’s just forget this ever happened.”
“No I can’t forget this.”
“Why not?”
“Because you are hurting yourself.”
Madison sighed as she stood up and began to walk around the room.
“What is that you really want?” He asked quietly.
“Nothing.”
“Tell me.”
“No.”
“Come on.”
“No.” She snapped angrily.
“Fine.”
“Ok.” She replied crossing her arms.
“Madison I’ll make a deal with you. You stop this and I won’t tell anyone because I know if someone finds out we’ll probably have to stop touring. And I know how much you love this and how this is your dream. So if you stop I’ll keep my mouth shut but if you don’t stop then I’m telling someone and we’re going to get you help. Ok, is that fair enough?” Tony asked, knowing it was a bad idea but he didn’t really know what to do.
Madison turned around and looked at him.
“So? Are you ready to let go?”
“Let go of what?”
“All your insecurities?”
Madison looked down at her feet and then back up at Tony. “I can try.”
“I need more than that.”
Madison sighed rolling her eyes. “Will you help me?” She asked quietly.
“With what?”
“You know.”
“No.” He replied grinning.
Madison rolled her eyes again. “Help me let go. Help me accept myself and accept the fact that someone may like me.”
Tony got up off the bed and walked over to her smiling. He wrapped his arms around her hugging and said, “Duh!” While Madison began to laugh.