I Love You Came Too Late

Nick sat nervously in a cold plastic chair in the hospital waiting room. So many thoughts were going through his head he was having a hard time concentrating. He kept staring at a little boy playing with a toy truck sitting on the floor across from him. The little boy looked up at him and grinned Nick smiled back at him.

For about the tenth time that hour Nick sighed and sifted in the chair. He rubbed his hands over his face and then looked around the waiting room, it was pretty empty. He looked up at the nurse’s station a few of them were whispering to each other and looking at him. He shook his head sighing and then saw a doctor walking towards him and with the look on his face he couldn’t help the nauseating feeling arising in his stomach.

"You came in with the young lady right?" The doctor asked as Nick stood up.

Nick nodded. "How is she?"

"You might want to sit down."

"No, just tell me."

The doctor laid a hand on Nick’s shoulder while Nick looked at the doctor with questioning eyes. "I’m sorry. The pills had been in her system for too long and it was just too late. They are gone. I’m sorry."

Nick looked down blinking back tears that threatened to fall. Then he looked back up, "Wait… they?" He asked curiously.

"She was pregnant," The doctor replied.

Nick couldn’t even think of anything to say as he just stared blankly back at the doctor.

"Did you know that?"

Nick shook his head no as he looked around the room trying not to cry.

"You can go in there if you want."

Nick nodded and followed the doctor out of the waiting room.

"She’s in that door," The doctor said pointing to the door at the end of the hall.

Nick just nodded as he stuck his hands in his pockets and slowly walked down to the room Madison was in. He stopped at the door and then slowly pushed it open.

He looked over at her. She was hooked up to a few machines that were now turned off and she was really pale. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and just stared at her.

Taking a deep breath he grabbed her hand and held it in his. He started to rub both of his hands together with hers in the middle because hers was so cold. Then he laid his head on the edge of her bed and let it out. He moved one of his hands down to her stomach and rested it there for a minute before he started to move it back and forth slowly.

He sat back up angry that he was crying he couldn’t stand to cry. "God, this is all my fault. I know it I should have told you how I felt before. God, I loved you. I still do love you. I loved you for a while. I was just scared I guess. I’m so sorry. I wish I could change something and then maybe we wouldn’t be here like this. I’d change everything just to have you here." Nick wiped his eyes and looked down at her stomach, "You were pregnant? That makes it all ten times worse. Did you know? Is that why you did it? I can’t even believe it. I’m sorry. I could have been a better boyfriend. I know it’s all me. My fault. I’m ok with that too. I didn’t except things to end like this. I could have done so many things different."

Nick stood up and kissed her forehead before he held her in his arms. "I love you," He whispered as he rocked back and forth holding on to her.

Nick got home a few hours later. He walked into the house and went straight up to the bedroom. He flopped down on the bed covering his face with his hand. He scooted up closer to the headboard when he felt Madison’s journal underneath him. He sat up and looked at it for a minute before he opened it.

There was a sheet of paper folded with his name on it that slid out as he started flipping through the pages. He set the journal down and looked at the paper for a minute before he opened it up.

He sat back leaning against the headboard of the bed as he started to read the letter.

Nick,

I guess if you’re reading this then either you’re snooping through my things or well you know the other one, I’m sure. I don’t know where to start really. It’s definitely not my first one of these. Just ask Tony how many notes like this I wrote him.

Anyway, I’m sure you asking why and you’re probably blaming yourself. But you really shouldn’t. It was something I had to do because otherwise I would have just gone crazy. I was driving myself crazy trying to be perfect. Perfect for you. To be what everyone expected Nick Carter’s girlfriend to be and well obviously I’ll never reach that.

I wanted to be perfect for you. More than anything really. I love you. I’ve never loved anyone. You were my first everything. And I’m glad for that. I wish you could have returned the feelings. It’s ok though, but I’m not going to lie and say it didn’t hurt. I couldn’t even count all the times I just wished you lie to me. Pretend to love me just for a minute. All I wanted was you. You to love me. That’s all.

This isn’t your fault. It’s not the first time I’ve tried to do this. I guess I just succeeded this time. I’ve never really enjoyed my life. Only when I was on stage and recently when I was with you. I’ll miss being on stage and I’ll miss you I know.

If Tony tries to kill you show him this and give him the other letter for him. I know he’ll try but you’ve seen him he isn’t that tough. He won’t understand I’m sure no one will really understand. Hell, I barely understand.

I just know it was something that had to be done in order for everyone to be happy.

My happiness wasn’t essential. I just wanted to make you happy. And everyone else. Because I know I could never ever please myself.

I had been thinking about this for a while, but there were things holding me back. You. I was actually happy with you and well that doesn’t happen all the time. The other thing, there is a child growing inside of me. Crazy huh? Yeah, I only know because I took a home pregnancy test. That was the other thing holding me back I figured if I had your baby then you would magically love me and then you’d be mine forever. But my life is no fairy tale. I wanted to be a mother. I know you would have been a great dad.

I’m sorry.

Remember me?

I love you.

Madison