The day that I found out that I was pregnant I was at home alone. It was September 28th , 2000. When the E.P.T. test showed both lines, I stood in the bathroom and just stared at it. Could it be? We had been trying to get pregnant since April. I couldn’t believe my eyes, so I went back to Wal-Mart and bought another pregnancy test. It was positive, too. I couldn’t believe it! I screamed, danced around the house and cried. I couldn’t hold in the excitement, I called my friend, Brenda. She said, “It’s funny you called about this…I’m pregnant, too.” Oh my god, I couldn’t believe it. We had been friends since high school and now we were going to have our babies around the same time. They would be able to grow up and become friends. The prospect of that brought me great joy. When I told my husband, Greg, he shared in my excitement. We had been pregnant before, in March 2000, but we lost that baby due to an ectopic pregnancy. We were devastated, but encouraged to continue trying. I made my first prenatal appointment right away. Since I had the ectopic pregnancy, my OB-GYN wanted to do an ultrasound to ensure that this baby was in the right place. The baby was great and I was feeling wonderful, no morning sickness at all. The day after having the vaginal ultrasound I began to have some spotting. I called the doctor and the nurse told me to get some rest and come in the next day. I went in and they checked my blood levels and determined that my progesterone level was low. I started taking progesterone that day and continued until I was 12 weeks along…Thanksgiving weekend. I was so thankful to be off of the progesterone; it made me extremely tired, even more than the usual pregnancy tiredness.

The days, weeks and months continued to go by as we prepared for the arrival of our baby. January 04, 2001 we found out that we were going to have a boy. We couldn’t have been happier. The closet was beginning to fill up and the baby showers were starting to get planned. All of my prenatal appointments had been pretty uneventful, as of January 04, I had only gained 12 pounds…my doctor was very pleased with my progress. The next weeks were filled with trying to come up with a name for this little boy growing inside of me, and boy did we get suggestions. On January 20th, I felt the baby kick me for the first time. I was so excited. I would lie on the couch or in the bed and wait for the baby to kick again. After awhile, I couldn’t go to sleep until I felt that little kick. On February 01, I had another monthly appointment, all was well and I had gained 3 more pounds. My pregnancy was going great and I had decided I loved being pregnant! I even loved the maternity clothes! Greg and I went to a regularly scheduled doctor’s appointment on March 01. I went in and did the normal routine, drop urine, get weighed…wow, 8 pounds this month…and get blood pressure checked. The doctor came in looking very concerned. He told us that I had protein my urine and that my blood pressure was higher than it had been, 120/100. Even though he didn’t think it was really serious, he gave me the option of going home and collecting a 24-hour sample of urine or going to the hospital to be on bed rest and get the urine collected. We opted for the hospital. Keep in mind that I felt fine, and the Doctor was not at all worried about the baby. He was worried about me. He talked about the possibility of bed rest for the next 3 months and he talked about the possibility of having this baby earlier than we had planned. Greg and I left for the hospital discussing the possibility of having this baby soon; we thought it would be okay. I am a social worker for the State of Missouri and I have seen baby’s survive being born earlier than this baby. We also cemented our name choice that day, I think we both knew he would be here soon. We decided on “Casey James”; we love the name Casey and thought that it sounded strong. We chose the name James for a couple of reasons, first, because it would make his initials “CJ” and Greg thought it would be great to call him that when he was playing sports when he was older. Second, Greg grew up with a great guy named James; he died when he was playing soccer in college. James was so incredibly talented; he played the piano, was a wonderful artist, a great soccer goalie and was co-valedictorian of his high school class.

Never could we have imagined what was going to happen next. After spending the night at the hospital, my lab work came back…it was not good news…I was being transferred to a nearby level 3 hospital to be seen by a perinatologist. I was still feeling fine and I definitely was not scared to go. I never thought the worst was about to happen. After my non-emergency ambulance ride, we arrived at Research Medical Center, it was about 8pm March 02, 2001. We were taken back into the room where they have the third level ultrasound machine. Shortly after that, we met the perinatologist. He started the scan on my belly and the nurse was taking my blood pressure….oh my God…it was 188/120, the nurse immediately started an IV drip of magnesium sulfate. I had developed severe eclampsia. The doctor says to me, “I knew from the lab work that you were sick, but I had no idea your baby was so sick.” I said, “What do you mean the baby’s sick? No one said anything about the baby being sick!” The doctor said that he would have to take the baby out now. It was 8:15pm. I was so scared as I was being wheeled into the operating room. I was lying there like Jesus on the cross, arms both stretched out. I was being poked, undressed, shaved and talked to all at the same time. The flurry of doctors, nurses, and anesthesiologists made me dizzy. I looked at the anesthesiologist and asked him how long I was going to be asleep; he said I should wake up around 10pm. I had tears coming down my face and as I was being put to sleep I was saying, “I have to be awake by nine…I have to be awake by nine…my baby is going to die…I have to be awake by nine.” Casey was born at 8:32pm.

I woke up in the recovery room at about 9:10pm. I woke up asking about my Casey James…was he alive? Is he okay? I asked these questions over and over. My husband repeated, “Yes, sweetie, he’s fine…he’s beautiful…he’s okay.” I kept telling him he was lying to me. I guess I eventually became convinced and started babbling about getting some water or ice chips…my lips and throat were so dry. I don’t remember a whole lot about the next few days, the morphine had yet to wear off. The nurses were so great. They wheeled me in, bed and all, to see my little boy just minutes after I came around. He was so small, he only weighed 1 pound 4 ˝ ounces…581 grams…how could that be? He should have weighed almost 3 pounds. Call it mother’s intuition, but I think I knew that night that my baby was not going to make it. The next 6 and a half days were a whirlwind of activity. Casey was very sick, after two days, he still had not urinated, his body began to retain fluid…he was puffy. The doctors were trying to stimulate his kidney’s to produce urine by giving him steroids and diuretics. On Monday, March 05th the doctor came to my hospital room to tell us to be prepared if his kidney’s did not start to make urine, his other organs would slowly shut down and he would die. Then on March 06, 2001 (11 years to the day that my Grandpa Brunner died) Casey urinated a measurable amount for the first time. (I know now that my Grandpa had a hand in keeping him around awhile longer.) I had never seen so many grown people cheering and high fivin’ each other over some urine! Everyone was optimistic, even the doctor’s, and Casey had never looked better to me. The doctors performed a scan on Casey’s kidney’s to determine whether or not there was a clot or blockage. They weren’t prepared for what they would find…he only had one kidney. The doctor assured us that even though he only had one kidney, as long as that kidney was working well, he could survive. Many people go through their lives never knowing that they only have one kidney.

The next day I was released from the hospital. I never thought that I would have to leave my baby behind, yet here we were walking out empty-handed. The next few days my husband and I spent as much time as possible at the bedside of our son. We took many pictures of him and some videotape…I’m so glad we did. On Thursday, March 08th, we received a call at 8:30am from Casey’s doctor, she said Casey had a bad night and we needed to come to the hospital soon. Greg and I went to Casey’s side, he was starting to get puffy again. He had not urinated since Tuesday and they had to increase his vent settings. We had a meeting with Casey’s doctor and with the hospital social worker; we made the decision that we did not want him to suffer. We wanted him to be comfortable, and we wanted to hold him. We were with our baby all day Thursday and around midnight the nurse suggested that we get some sleep. We returned to the grief room that the hospital had provided, and while holding each other; Greg and I cried ourselves to sleep. We were abruptly woken up at 5am by the LPN, she told us that Casey had a bad night and they had increased the vent settings again and they had started him on morphine. We went to our son’s side. The nurse placed Casey in my arms. This was the first time that I got to hold him when he wasn’t on his warming table. Almost instantly, like he was talking just to me, his oxygen level began to come down. The nurses were so surprised…they said all he needed was his mommy. All I needed was him. The next few hours go by with my husband and I holding, talking, laughing and recording everything we could about our son. At 8am, the hospital chaplain came and baptized Casey. Casey’s doctor came in shortly after that, we asked her if we could have some privacy for our last moments with Casey. She agreed and arranged for him to be moved to our grieving room, where they would take the tubes off of him and we would be able to hold him until he was gone. We held our son, and said the hardest words you can imagine, “It’s okay to go…we love you…you have been so strong…we are so proud of you…thank you for coming to see us…it’s okay to go.” Our precious boy, whom we had waited for, for so long died at 8:55 am on March 09, 2001. Again, we walked out of the hospital empty-handed.

The next few days went by so slowly, we had a small memorial service for Casey, at the church where we were married 2 and a half years earlier. It was a beautiful service and a beautiful day. There is so much that Casey’s dad and I wanted to do with him, so much to share. We suffer everyday with all of the things that will go undone due to his death, but we are also incredibly thankful that we had Casey in our life, even for a short time. He has made an amazing impact on us, we will never take each other for granted…that’s because of Casey and we will never forget how precious the people we love really are. So, Casey James, until we meet again in heaven…please remember your mommy and daddy miss you, love you and think of you constantly. Your dad and I are sure that you are the best angel.