October and September 2001
October and September 2001

I just liked this pic. It reminds me of where my Grandparents live, out in the country.

October 24, 2001

Hello, I guess I never write in here anymore even though I am on the internet everyday. Tuesday night, I tried to go flying with Chad. This is where anyone with panic attacks or who knows anything about agoraphobia would understand.... Well first of all, in March I flew to Texas to see Chad. It was the first time I had been on a plane since I was little, and the first time since I started having panic attacks and after the whole agoraphobia thing..... But I did okay when I went to Texas. I just kept thinking about how I would see Chad soon. I was scared, I can't deny that but I relaxed and surprised myself. (I did take a xanex the morning I left) On the way back I was fine too.
Well, I told Chad I was nervous about going. When I saw the plane I was like 'oh no.." It is a really small little Cessna. He was like most people, 'oh come on, you'll be fine." I was already nervous just sitting in the plane after it turned on and we headed towards the runway. I was like, I don't want to go. Just let me out. But he took off anyway. I closed my eyes and started whining basically ha ha. I grabbed his arm and hid my face in his shoulder. I was like 'oh god, oh god." I told Chad to take me back. I was like begging, please, please, take me back. I can't do this. He wouldn't at first and I just got worse. I only looked down a little bit and that was enough for me. It was night time by the way, and that kind of made it worse. So, he said he would take me back and I started to calm down a litlle and was able to glance at the runway as we landed. The point is, I was really upset, I felt terrible. I seriously think that is the scariest thing that I have ever experienced. I know, to someone else that sounds stupid but you have to know what it feels like to have a panic attack and the agoraphobia thing doesn't help. (being afraid to be somewhere where you can't escape if u have a panic attack)
I seriously thought we were going to crash. All I could think about was dieing, crashing and going through some awful death. We were up there floating in this tiny little plane where every little turn feels like you are going over. I will not be flying with him again. I feel like it has been a set back for me. I am really disapointed that I can't fly with him.

October 3, 2001

I am just in a bad mood. I've never really written anything in here when I am truely depressed. I haven't been as open as possible about everything... Let's see... Chad doesn't want anything to do with me anymore... That's a long story. Oh we're still together but it's barely a relationship, in my opinion.

His side of the story is that he is tired of being around me all the time. (how flattering) He just wants to watch tv all the time and he never wants to mess around. He says I want to do 'stuff' too much. But that isn't true.
My side is... I have no friends here. I don't want to be alone. I was alone for three days before he got here and didn't make any friends. It's not like going to pick out a puppy at the pet store. I can't stand being alone here. It's depressing. I want to be back home if I have to be alone. I came here to be with him and then he starts talking about time apart. Then what the hell am I supposed to do? especially when I hate it here. It is so boring.

I feel really lonely and I don't have anyone to talk to. I already have tendencies to be depressed and had agoraphobia so I don't like being alone. Chad doesn't talk to me. So he doesn't count. It's not a great feeling to be out in the middle of nowhere, to have no one close to you to make you feel better, no shoulder to cry on.. I sit and cry and Chad just ignores me. That is the worst feeling. I have never had anyone do that to me before. He doesn't try and talk or make me feel better. It just makes me feel worse and more depressed.

So much for a 'Love Story.'

October 2, 2001

I don't feel like making another page. Just wanted to write in here today. But now I have to make a October page. SO... guess I will just say... That I am bored here at school. It's a boring town. There is nothing much to do. I don't have any friends. it's really depressing. maybe b/c i am with my boyfriend all the time. and b/c i don't have a roommate and my building is antisocial. oh well.

September 18, 2001

I found out that it was my hard drive that was broken so went on a slight 'road trip' to go get a new one. We installed it but now I have to re-install Windows 98 and everything I had before. It is never ending.

It was a week ago today that the terrorists attacked America. I was shocked and there was so much I wanted to write down but I decided to wait. But I should have wrote when it was fresh in my mind. Just last night I was watching a movie on cable...the movie took place in New York and there they were, the Twin Towers, when they showed the skyline of the city. It was sad..as first I didn't think much when they showed the night sky, the buildings lit up but then I realized, that's New York and those buildings are gone... I think the whole thing is horrible of course.... the victims on the plane...scared not knowing their fate...I mean, no one has ever used a plane as a weapon before, so they probably thought they were going to be okay, that the hijackers just wanted something... just guessing..I also think about the people in the buildings who didn't even have a chance, where the planes hit, where they couldn't escape, where the smoke was just too much for them..or the fire. Then, to have all of the firefighters ect. that went into the building to save them only suffer the same fate. I can't imagine dieing that way. (dieing at all but this was just so sudden..) Just one last thought, the people that could have still been alive when the building collapsed. I know that *I* wouldn't have had a cell phone to call for help and I am terribly afraid of small places..I just hope that there weren't people down there trapped that needed help and had to suffer even more...That is enough of that..

But I am worried about Chad, being in the Guard, getting deployed. He said he wouldn't have to go overseas and that he doesn't have to worry about it now.. but if another US base gets called to go somewhere overseas or something.. then his unit would have to go there.. like Florida or something. It has to be where they have F-15's. The day of the attack, Chad was worried about going to war. He looked really worried..he just joined for college money you know, he never expected any of this.

September 5, 2001

Bad news for me. My computer is fried. The motherboard went out. So, I guess I won't have a computer anymore because I need a new motherboard or new computer, and a new motherboard case or something. plus labor. i am really upset about it so that's all i am going to say right now.

September 4, 2001

Hello. I am sitting in the lab of the computer lab at school I just started working at five minutes ago. It's really small, about seven computers. Seems like this will be a very easy job. The only bad thing is I only got about 11 hours per week. Computers with the internet, getting paid to search the net, I can handle that. But I should be doing my homework...
I AM SO UPSET. Last night, I was sitting in my dorm room, getting ready to take two online quizes for a class...when *poof* my computer just shut down by itself and I smelled smoke. Great....So Compaq doesn't have to help because I'm not under warrenty. I just have to find someone around here to help me. It may be the power supply?? I don't know. It won't come on anymore. I can't believe it. It's not old and I am still making payments on it actually. So I hope I can fix it.
Over the weekend I went to St. Louis with Chad. He had to take his flying test. We stayed at my house. We went to our first movie in two weeks. (since coming to this small town) We saw Summer Catch with Freddie Prinze (i like him) and Jessica Biel. (girl booted off of 7th heaven) Rented Hannibal that night.... gross movie. I didn't even look half of the time but that movie put images and thoughts in my head that I would like to forget. It was so disgusting. the college movie channel is showing it next week. nasty.
We also went to the St Louis County Fair and Air Show. It wasn't as hot as last year and it got really chilly at night. We watched the air show, ate, the fireworks were nice and did some other things. Yesterday we went to his Dads and had dinner with that family. I went swimming with his step-mom and step sister and stuff. It was the last day to swim being Labor Day. I just stood in the water though. I am not much of a swimmer but i really like water slides and stuff like that.
Other than that....I am just upset about my computer....I am connected thru the ethernet in my dorm room....I am on whenever I want or all the time.....so now I can' t get online at all and it sucks. I would rather be online than watch tv or something. I just hope it is fixable and cheap to fix. Of course now that I am in the computer lab those online quizes won't work. UGH.