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October 5-8


October 30, 2000

Chad just told me he doesn't want a girlfriend while he's in Texas. He "wants to be single," and "doesn't want to have to deal with anything." He has been saying that we were going to break up when he goes away. I was crying tonight for a couple hours probably. The thing is, he doesn't seem to care or realize how that hurts me to hear that. He is somewhat unfeeling about the whole situation. He just wanted to get off the phone. I was "putting him on the spot." He was "tired." Whatever. I mean, you can't just upset someone like that and then be like, well talk to you tomorrow like it's no big deal. I told him we might as well break up now. I don't deserve to be pulled along on some sort of string for the three months before he leaves. We've been together ten months now. We've been very serious together and exclusive. Someone like that doesn't just come along everyday or ever will again. I may only be twenty two but I've been with some real jerks. No one has cared about me like he has. I thought I was never going to be happy or have the chance at a normal life until he came along. But to be alone again? I couldn't deal with that. I hate to even think about it.

Now he doesn't seem so sure that it's going to work out while he's gone. Like, my paranoia has rubbed off onto him. Now it's me trying to hold us together.

October 25, 2000

Today my mom said she was going to "start drinking again" because of me. All because I was in bed at 9:30....whoa... so late. She wants me to be up and busy busy all the time when she doesn't even work a full time job. I applied for two more jobs last week. One is the pet sitting job. That's no big deal. The other at Office Depot for just Tuesdays and Thursdays because I dropped my math class. I was never going.

More bad news. I didn't get into the college Chad is going away to. Why? B/c of my gpa. Somewhere in this journal I explained why my GPA is low. It's 1.97 b/c my mom kicked me out last spring and I had to quit coming to school and missed the drop deadline. They said to write the director of admissions if there was a reason why and so I did. I typed a nice letter and hopefully she'll be a compassionate woman.

The last day I wrote was last Monday when I went to the airport with Chad. Well, that night it was foggy and rainy. visibility was bad so almost everyone canceled their flights. As it turns out, that was the night that Govornor Mel Carnahan died in a plane crash just south of St. Louis. They had a big funeral for him in Jefferson City. The President was there. It was on t.v. here. The flag at my school is still at half staff.

My normal family:
Over the weekend Chad and I went to my Grandparents. Friday night, I drove Chad's car b/c he wouldn't. (he drives all the time to my house) Shania, my little half sister was there. I think we were kinda tired so we just laid back and watched t.v. with them. We had to heat up some food to eat. Then, Saturday it was beautiful outside so Chad helped my Grandpa put gutters up on his garage. I helped once. Shania drove her jeep around. Then my cousin Sam showed up with my Uncle Jim and his wife Patty. Sam is so spoiled but I'm just jealous. He drove his truck around with Shania and they played t-ball and took turns on the swing. That day Grandma fried her VERY GOOD fried chicken. Yum. We also had corn, homemade mashed potatoes, green beans, cranberries and apple pie. Then we had birthday cake for Shania's 4th birthday that's coming up. She opened her presents. I felt bad I didn't get her anything b/c I don't have any money. But last Friday I got my hundred dollar check in the mail that I won on the internet. But it didn't matter b/c my mom made me give her 80. Ugh...I'll write more later. I'm tired of typing.

October 16, 2000

The presidential debate will be right near me at my favorite college, Wash U. It's only two miles from my new house. (It was even closer to where I used to live.) That's pretty awesome. Cardinals won Saturday but lost yesterday. But the Rams won yesterday. That's a lot of stuff going on in St. Louis.

Chad's parents are out of town. So, last night and Saturday, I spent the night at his house. I left my house Saturday crying because my mom came up in my room and threw something at me and yelled at me, "all you care about is your stupid boyfriend!" She then said I was abusive to her. That's HER though. Then, she picked up the phone cradle and was pushing on it trying to hang up the phone while I was talking to Chad. But you can't hang up the phone that way. There's no button there. So she got more mad and was pulling on it. I just grabbed some stuff and left.

This weekend we've watched some movies. Yesterday morning we cooked breakfast together, pancakes, juice, eggs and bacon. We slept late Sunday morning. I have just been glad to get away from my mom. That sounds selfish but she makes me a nervous wreck and I tell horrible about myself and my life when I'm around her.

Right now, Chad's in class and I'm just waiting for him to get out. Then, I'm going to his work with him. I have homework to do but playing on the net is so much easier. Ha ha.

October 13, 2000

So it's Friday the 13th and a full moon, it doesn't mean a thing. I'm not into all that superstition. I thought it was spooky when I was little but now I think those people are annoying.

Hey, I forgot to mention I'm in the home town of the St. Louis Cardinals. But we've lost the first two games so that sucks. Chad and I watched the game last night. Part of it we watched at a restauant while we ate and everyone was cheering and clapping when we were catching up. Too bad we lost.

Chad still can't spend the night. See, I think when things are going bad in my mom's life and SHE'S not happy, I can't be happy. The crazy thing is she had a court date this morning and needed to use my car. (her's died) I told her Chad could take me to school and she was like fine. Well, last night we were up in my room and when I came down stairs she said "i told you Chad can't spend the night anymore." I was like he's not! Ugh. Anyway, this morning she's all, I thought Chad was taking you to school. I kindly reminded her, "he was going to but you said he couldn't spend the night." The guy lives 45 minutes or so away, he's not going to drive here to take me to school and then go back home to work. That's just stupid. She also had a for sale sign in front of the house yesterday. She was drinking and moping around again and was saying she was going somewhere. Whatever. Now this morning she says she's going to end up in an insane asylum b/c of her drinking, her sponser told her that. She didn't go to court, I thought she was using my car but she just laid on the couch while I was getting ready. This means she will have a warrent out for her. Oh, the court date was for excessive speed. I dunno. She was drunk and got into an accident, caused it, and then left the scene.

October 11, 2000

I think it's time I put just what I deal with with my mom in here. Last night was bad and I'm just avoiding going home to deal with it. Things were fine with me and Chad. He came over, we ate at St. Louis Bread Co. and went to see The Watcher. But before we left...

Let's see... my mom was basically passed out when I got home from work. Chad got on the internet to do his internet class when she screams upstairs, as usual, "I need the phone!!!" Then, she called me a bitch. Meanwhile, he's got half his homework he's done and he's trying to figure out how to save it. But she keeps screaming that she needs the phone. So, HE yells back "i'm trying to save my homework!" because I don't know what to do. A couple minutes later there was a big crash in the kitchen. When we came down later after she left, we saw that she had dropped this dish on the floor and it was broken in pieces. She had just left it there and the bbq pork chop. Of course the dog grabbed that and was snacking, sauce all over the place. We left but when I came home after the movie things went worse...I came in and she was laying on the couch. I took the trash out and she sits up and whines over and over like a nut, "why did you have to wake me up? but why did you have to wake me up?" I went up stairs and just started crying. I am so tired of my mom's crap. I just wanted Chad and realized how much better about myself he makes me feel. She treats me like I'm a piece of crap and calls me names. Well, I went to bed and took the dog with me. See, the dog has nervous problems b/c of my mom's yelling. She always goes and hides under the bed. My mom came up and banged on my door. I'm quietly sobbing and scared. She yelled, "thanks for waking me up" a couple times. Then a minute later, "oh and by the way Carmen, I quit my job." I was just quiet. "Did you hear me? I quit my job." I just said yes with no emotion and kind of held my breath. I was very tense and didn't know what to expect.

This kind of stuff goes on all the time with my mom. She's got a drinking problem and she's depressed. She has hit me a couple times before. She's also very verbally abusive. I really can't take it. I'll be glad when I go away to school with Chad. When she's like this I don't ever want to see her again. I sometimes say I would like to one day have her out of my life and have kids but never bring them around her. She's crazy.

I was crying last night and of the many things racing thru my head, one of them was, "what will I do when Chad's gone?" I had told him to please not go and leave me with her but he can't do that. My family and friends say I'm a lot happier and better now that I'm with Chad. I don't have panic attacks anymore,and my nervous stomach is gone. He's the only one I have in St. Louis that loves me. He's the only one that there to make me feel better about myself and to make me feel normal. I guess that's enough of this. But, last night when this stuff was going on I kept thinking about writing in here. I really needed to talk to someone and since I couldn't , writing might have helped. I'm glad I didn't though, when you write about stuff like that it's best to give it some time.

October 10, 2000

Last night was my first night without Chad in a long time. My mom decided Sunday morning that he can't spend the night anymore. I was upset and Chad's not too happy about it. So, he didn't come over last night after work b/c he gets off at like nine and there's no point in coming over for just an hour with all that driving. See, he lives like forty minutes away. My mom used to say it was okay for him to stay on the weekends so he wouldn't have to drive that far late at night. Now, she's saying we need to move in together blah blah blah if we want to be together all the time.She wishes. Let me tell you people before you say, "I agree." We are both in school, we don't have enough money, we don't work full time and he's leaving for the Air National Guard in February.

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