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March 1, 2001 ~ End of February thoughts

Well, last week I got two letters from Chad again. He was missing me and he said, "you are coming to my graduation and that's all I'm going to say about that." So, it made me happy that he wants me to come. He is keeping busy working out and stuff. I miss him really bad. I'm so bored without him around. We always did fun stuff. He hasn't been able to call again. Though, in his letter he said, "i hope i get to call you tomorrow." So, looks like we were both looking forward to it.

Oh, my plane ticket has already been purchised. Chad's parents bought it. I will work out a way to pay them back and Chad had said he would pay for part before he left. I leave on March 15th, a Thursday. I will have to rush from the airport to his base. (I get there at 4:50 and his visit starts at 5. Grrr.) Then Friday is his graduation and Saturday is when he gets his town pass. So, we'll get to out in San Antonio. Sunday we have to stay on the base with him again. Monday afternoon I leave.

Otherwise, not much is going on. I rent movies a lot. I have had a lot of tests this week. I have to do a lot of homework tonight. Next week is spring break. I am dog sitting this weekend for extra cash.

I can't believe I leave two weeks from today. I'm happy about it of course but the thought of having to let him go again, of having to say good-bye again is hard. I tried not to cry hard in front of his dad and stepmom when he left so maybe them being there will help. Of course, once they were out of sight, I started sobbing. Sometimes at home, when I'm by myself, I get sad and start crying, thinking about how much I miss Chad. I am lonely and I want to be with him. It would be nice if I could even talk to him on the phone.

February 16, 2001

Last night I went to see Valentine alone b/c I had a free movie ticket. It sucked and I felt like a dork going alone. Tonight i'm going to see Sweet November with that girl from the net I went with before and a guy from work. He's leaving for the Air Force soon. It's nothing "like that." Trust me.

I got two letters from Chad on Valentine's Day. :~) That was awesome. I was really happy. I also opened the card he had given me before he left. It was really nice and sweet. One of those big Hallmark cards..."i'll always love you.." it said on the front.

February 11, 2001

Today I went to church with Chad's Dad and his step-mom. We had breakfast beforehand. It's funny b/c his Dad makes scrambled eggs the same way as Chad; in the microwave. Then, afterwards, I packed Chad's bag for tech school. He gets to take his stuff there, like his CD's, playstation and clothes. I also helped his step-mom make cookies for Valentine's Day

February 10, 2001

Today Chad called me!!!!!!!! I was so surprised! When he called I was like, "who is this?" OOOPS! I could barely hear him and he was the LAST person I expected to hear from. He only had five minutes. So, we didn't talk about a lot. He hasn't gotten any of his mail. He did write me! He said he would send it on the way to church Sunday. :) I'm so happy I'm going to get some mail from him. He sounded good and he was nice. I asked if he missed me and he said yes and that he wants to come home.

Then, I went to his house, to go out to dinner with his Dad and Step-mom. (I told Chad they had asked me and he asked me if I was going.) We went to their church, that's where it was. Then afterwards the youth group did some songs and stuff. That was nice. The food was good too. I spent the night.

February 9, 2001

I went to a movie with that girl off the net the other night. We saw Head Over Heels at the mall. It reminded me of Chad being there...I met a girl online whose b/f just joined the Air National Guard and we are SO much alike, in the way we think and everything. It's weird. She's from Australia and is in Hawaii with her b/f right now.

I had this Valentine's Day card, with pictures and a long letter in the mailbox last night. Well, it rained all night I guess. This morning I go outside and the letter was gone. It had blown onto the ground and was soaking wet and everything was ruined. That was a bummer.

His step-mom and Dad invited me to come to a Valentines Day dinner at their church Saturday night. They also asked me to stay the night and go to church with them the next morning. (they are the religious ones) It will be weird and depressing being in his house.

February 5, 2001

Chad front; I sent him a letter today and wrote him another one. His recruiter said to write a lot, like everyday if we can b/c they really like to get mail. I called his mom and gave it to her tonight and we talked for awhile.

I've been chatting online with this girl online. She just got dumped by her b/f of five years. (I met her when they were still together) I feel so bad for her and we're both lonely and stuff. So, I said I'd meet her tomorrow to go see Head over Heels at the mall. I can't believe I am. I just have no one to go see movies with now and I don't want to just sit around and let life happen without me. She met her b/f off the net. MOM stuff; ugh. my mom had this big b-day party over the weekend out of town with the family. it was also her 60 days of sobriety, from drinking. Well, when we got home yesterday she started drinking again. Last night, all day today and tonight. But, I knew it would happen. Everyone was all happy for her though and she spent her b-day money on beer. I hate it. She wanted ME to go get her beer. She also gets all depressed over men. Men that mean nothing. Like, all she's ever cared about is men. Whoever she's dating or whoever she 'likes.' She said she only quit drinking for her ex and since he's not interested in her she started again. Well, that's just lame!

February 4, 2001

Chad called his Dad today and gave him his address. He only got three minutes to talk. He was doing okay. So, I can write him now. I'm really depressed though. I just keep thinking, he's leaving for college when he gets back, he hasn't asked me to go with him... I don't want more "long distance relationship" time. It justs seems like a waste.

February 1, 2001

Chad left today for the military. This is the dreaded day. The dreaded time of my life. Already, the silence in my house is irritating me. Everything reminds me of him. That's what hurts. It just makes it worse. I think about the silly things we fought over while he was here... just wasted time. I'm sorry for that. God, I wish I could take it back. I wish I could call him. Of course I wish a lot more than that. It's just that all the comfort has been taken out of it. I can't just pick up and call/see him. I don't know where he is, what he's doing or with who. Now I'm getting upset...

I'm used to being with Chad all the time. It hurts to look at a picture of him, or listen to one of our songs. He gave me a Valentines Day card already to open now or later. Just looking at it makes me sort of cringe b/c it reminds me of him and I can't stand this. See, I feel like panicky about the whole situation. I am freaking out.

He called from the airport when he got to Texas. That was nice but the last time I'll get to talk to him. It was great that he called though. I just hated to say goodbye. He's off to bootcamp where he won't be able to call. We've never gone a long time without talking to each other. I hope it doesn't tear us apart.

We were up almost all night last night. At about four we finally got ready to go to sleep.(at his house, me on the couch.) But I just couldn't say goodbye. So we sat together and he held me and fell asleep. I couldn't. A little later, he went to bed and I had to get up at 6:30. At least his flight was delayed so we had all day together and we did stuff.

What was really sad and hard for me was to watch him cry. Yes, he cried. He tried to hold it in I think. But when it was time for him to board he really let go and cried hard. I tried to be strong for him but I cried some too. (hard when he wasn't around) He hugged me and gave me a kiss, told me he loved me. I've never seen him cry like that. I felt so bad, and so helpless. I couldn't help him or make him feel better.