Chad is gone

Oct. 9, 2003

Hey, I havent written on here in a long time. probably bc no one really reads this...we got back together...(read below)..we ended up spending time together this summer and getting back together. i got my own apartment up at school (which is going to be really hard to pay for on my own) he spends the night with me a lot. he likes having his own place to go to and not be together 24-7... but like a week ago he did the same thing, broke up with me and we got back together...

May 12 2003 Chad broke up with me and left

may 14, 2003
i talked to chad last night for the first time since he left and it really hurt and there was so much i wanted to say and couldnt. i just cried , bawled, and sometimes yelled bc i am angry at him for doing this to me. i have never hurt so bad in my life. i have lost close family to death, three times, and i didnt cry this much or hurt this much. it feels like the life has been drained out of me. the sparkle that was once in my eye is gone. that smile i had around him is gone. i have been hurt so many times. i feel a part of me has died. i dont think i can give my heart away again, for one, it still belongs to chad and two, i just cant. i will not get hurt again. i will not be nice and sweet and caring and try so damn hard for nothing. bc thats all it was. for nothing. just a waste. just like a dream. its gone. like it never happened. like i just woke up and he is gone and was never here. except a few traces... things he forgot.. things that just torture me. things i hate to part with. the only things left i have to connect me to him...

he crosses my mind over and over, everything reminds me of him, we had so many songs, and inside jokes and goofy things we sang together in the car. i only can hope that i cross his mind half as much... if ever. i want him to miss me half as much as i miss him... i want him to be sorry and feel bad for doing this too. i want him to doubt his decision and wonder if it was right. bc i dont think it was. i feel like its a huge mistake for him to let me go. and maybe one day he will feel that way about me. i know that i am a pretty girl, with a sweet personality and a loving heart and that lots of guys would be happy with me. i just wish MY guy was happy with me., that he was satisfied with me. i dont see how he could do any better and that is not being conceited bc i am far from that. i am actually pretty shy and have low self esteem but i know that he lost a good thing. just like i know that i lost a good thing.

"I cant choose who Im going to love, but I also cant just love who chooses to love me...and you cant blame me in choosing to love you as much as I cant blame you for not learning to love me"

The things I miss