August 1

August 1st
Well, you don't know anything about me so I guess I should fill in some of the blanks. I live at home with my mother. (parents divorced years ago) She spends most of her time drinking or being depressed. Not to sound immature, but she's really not nice to me. She's not one of those nurturing loving type of mothers, you know? She's no Betty Crocker. Like, just last week she kicked me out of the house. She screamed at me, in front of my boyfriend, all sorts of put-downs about me AND my father. (I think this is just something divorced parents do to their kids)
My boyfriend wants to be a professional pilot. That means that the only (affordable) school he can go to in Missouri is in Warrensburg, Missouri. This is a pretty small town about an hour away from Kansas City. We went there a couple weeks ago for a campus tour. It's cool but there's not a whole lot to do there. Well, anyway, it costs more to take flying lessons and pay your intructor. Also, his (divorced) parents aren't contributing to his college fund either. (i get grants.) So.... just this last Sunday, with the pressure building from both his mom and dad, he signed up for the Air National Guard.
I drove him there and like some sappy mother, I started crying when we pulled into the base at Lambert. (the airport) It was no big crocodile tears or anything. No, those came later. So, we went inside and the recruiter lady, who I already decided I hated, came up and introduced herself. I said "hi, we're breaking up." I was really mad, upset and everything and I was trying to make my boyfriend feel bad I guess. I looked over and saw his eyes get watery at my cruel threat. She asked me to come in the office with them and I couldn't, or wouldn't. So instead, I sat there and cried. I hid behind my sunglasses and covered my face with my long blondish hair. But I couldn't hold it in anymore (and I needed a kleenex) so I went out to my car and got my xanex. Apparantly, he saw me threw the window, come back in with the bottle and thought I was going to take them all. (I guess I said something about killing myself if he left...) I went in the bathroom and cried some more. But someone saw me and got worried, "you didn't take any of those did you?" I was only going to take one to calm down. I was pretty upset. Well, the recruiter came in the bathroom to talk to me! She took my pills away from me. She told me how much he loved me and she knows I'll miss him. (like that helps) Then, the guy that swore him in wanted to talk to me too! (rolling eyes) it was annoying. there was no way they were going to change my mind, but they tried.
It was really hard listening to my boyfriend repeat his "oath" or whatever, when he got sworn in. This is serious stuff and a six year committment. I just looked over at him one time. (i couldn't) I felt bad for him. It just didn't seem right. He's such a sweet guy and this just doesn't seem like his kind of thing.
I have all this paranoia about what the military will do to him. Will it change him? Will he come out a jerk? Will he forget about me? Will he cheat?
The simple fact is, I'm going to be very lonely. We spend so much time together, just about everyday. He spends the night at my house a lot. I am going to miss that a great deal. It is so nice having his arms around me, or mine around him and then waking up with him. I love cuddling with him and for FIVE months I'm going to be all alone.
No way will I cheat. Don't think that's what I'm saying because it's only him I want. I'm in love with him. He's perfect for me. We're like soul mates.
Right now, he's asleep in my bed. He didn't want me to get on here and work on my web page. I told him that I'm just going nuts knowing he's going away. It crosses my mind a billion times a day. I just had to start on this. I hope someone will read this and know what I am going through or at least have more life experience and tell me how I can deal with everything.
There's much more to write about but I want to go lay down with him. I appreciate our time together more now because I know that he is leaving. So, I'm going to go wrap my arms around him while I've got the chance.

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