October 20, 2002 The deal with my Mom
I haven't really talked a whole lot about my mom. Especially lately. But I feel like I should say something about it. My mom has a drinking problem. It's been really bad for the last few years. I am not sure how many. SOO much has gone on, that I wish I had kept a journal of it. But she might have found it. My life has been like a soap opera, a Lifetime movie. I have even thought about writing my own little 'book' about it. The things I have seen and been through...
My mom didnt always drink so bad. She once told me she started drinking when her and a serious boyfriend broke up back when I was about ten. While she might have, it didn't start affecting me until later... There's a lot I seem to have forgotten. My old friend S knows a lot and maybe another friend.
One thing I have lost track of is the amount of times I have been kicked out of the house. The first time was when I was seventeen, still in high school. Only, I wasn't going to school b/c I was having panic attacks/agoraphobia/stomach problems. While I was dealing with that, my mom was really depressed. She stayed home in bed a lot. She talked about killing herself and I had to call 9-1-1. She kicked me out many times after that. A lot of times, she just throws my stuff out on the porch. She just threw my stuff together in trash bags.
My mom had a boyfriend for two years that made things worse. They had a very bad relationship. She drank a lot and started acting violent. Her boyfriend was really rich and if she went over there drunk he would call the police on her. So my mom was arrested a few times.
There was a time when I went to someone's house. A friend's mom who my mom doesn't like. My mom figured out that I was there. I think she might have walked there. I don't know. She showed up and started yelling at me, in front of the mom and some other people were there. She was screaming, I am not sure what. Well somehow I was out there on the street talking to my mom or something and my mom came at me. She put her hands around my neck and pushed me down to the curb. My friend's mom came outside screaming and telling someone to call the police so she would stop. I think my mom said something like, 'you can have her.'
Another time she attacked me and started hitting me with her fists on my back or something. I just remember kicking her in the stomach so she would get off of me and she fell to the floor. I ran down the street, barefoot I think, to her friend's house.
She has been known to destroy things too. Like one time, she turned over all the furniture in our apartment and threw stuff around. All the furniture is glass on the top, so she broke our kitchen table. She has thrown stuff at me, recently drinking glasses. All the while screaming at me.
My mom has been verbally abusive too. It is just as bad because it really hurts. You wonder how someone who is supposed to be your mother could talk that way about you. She has called me a bitch. I heard her telling her boyfriend not too long ago how I am annoying or something. She was drunk and she sounded really cruel. I honestly can not remember specifics because who wants to remember that stuff? It doesn't sound like a lot but there have been so many crazy things.
My mom has been in the hospital for her depression and her drinking repeatedly. This summer she went to treatment for thirty days for her drinking. But she started drinking again when she got back. Its very annoying to watch. When she isn't drinking she is a lot better. But when she is drinking..
She drinks and drives. I think she got a DUI. She doesn't take care of the house. She leaves it a mess and when I am there its like I am supposed to clean up after her. Many times, she has yelled at me about not cleaning when its one of her binge messes. These are just small things. I just thought someone else out there might be dealing with the same thing.
October 24, 2002 My Car is Dead
A couple weeks ago my car died as Chad and I were driving to St. Louis. We were not near any towns but luckily there was a gas station right there. It happened as I was about to get on an interstate so that's good too. But it was freezing that day and raining. I had to reverse the car back, since thats all it would do. I dont know what is wrong with it. I just tried to start it today and it actually started...a second. Then, it died. So I havent had a car. I also havent had a phone because I left my charger in st louis. i use chad's when he's here. but its not cool to be w/o a phone and a car.
Which leads me to Saturday. Chad is going to fly to St Louis to help his mom. I am going to be stuck here w/o wheels or a phone. I dont have any friends or family around here to spend the day with. I already hate it here and think its boring. We usually go somewhere on the weekends. Like Kansas city. So I got upset. (he has to go there just to help her carry her huge, numerous, precious plants inside b/c its cold. bc she was afraid she 'might get a hernia.' whatever. she always has loads of 'projects' for him to do that end up taking hours. so he'll be gone forever. her house is old and she insists on doing everything herself. its cool that she can do all that but its like chad is all she has that can help her. when we go there for his military work weekends she wants him to help and he just doesnt have the time. last time we didnt end up leaving st louis till 9pm. i had to drive back to school and i was really tired. i didnt think she should have kept us there that late. maybe i sound mean or something but it gets old after three years. and all the worrying and planning that has gone on for her plants...she just doesnt understand how it is here and that i cant go anywhere or do anything. even if i had a car, there isnt anywhere to go here. grrr. i also dont like to be alone. being pent up for hours alone is nerve racking.
October 26 2002 Depressed
I am tired of feeling alone. My bf just ignores me when i cry and i cant handle it. its not normal for someone in a relationship to just ignore you and not care if you are upset. it also isnt normal for that person to call you names. he started doing that recently and it makes me not want to be with him anymore. it makes me really look at him a different way. sometimes i dont think he respects me at all. i had guys in the past that treated me bad. i dont need to re-live that.
October 30, 2002 Seriously
Took out part of what i wrote last. i mean, i have never even mentioned that my bf and i fight. we live together now while in school. and we are together alot. too much i guess. not a good thing. he feels smothered. so we have our bickerings. its affecting my school work. i mean, i dont want to do anything or go to class. been kind of depressed. anyway. my sister turned six yesterday. have to call her today since the cell phone didnt work last night. she's really sweet.
I really need to get a life. haha. seriously though, i dont have any friends here at school. i dont go anywhere. i'm not involved in anything. i like to just hang out with my bf. but i know thats not healthy. this town just sucks. and i am not from here. people are supposed to make friends at college. haha. and its not like there is something wrong with me. dont read this and think i'm like a reject. LOL. I am attractive and thin. i am a good person.
chad did say something last night i havent talked to him about yet..but it hurt my feelings. he said we arent permanent. this was when he was mad but still it makes me wonder why we are together then.