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Kiley and Scott were chillin in the TV room watching the 11 o'clock news. "Our top story tonight," said the dignified Jon Stewart, "the Mexican Staring Frog Of Southern Sri-Lanka has struck again, hospitalizing an old woman this time. This has not been the first incident with the amphibian. Between now and last Octember, there have been a reported 50 million incidents relating to the Mexican Staring Frog. It all began when Trey Parker and Matt Stone created the creature for their hit TV show South Park."
"I love that show," commented Scott.
"That was a good episode," Kiley said thoughtfully.
"Ahem," said Jon Stewart from the TV.
"Right. Sorry." said Kiley and Scott, pointing to him from the couch.
"Thank you," Jon began, "Since the episode aired the Mexican Staring Frog incidents have been growing in rapid numbers. The trick is not to look directly at the eyes of the frog or else you're subject to it's dangers. If you make eye contact you're frozen like a vegetable. A coma i guess. We now go live to Mo Rocca for more coverage on this story...."
Kiley clicked off the TV. "No ege," she muttered.
"Do you think all this shite about the frog is true?" asked Scott lighting a cigarette.
"I don't know, but I hope we don't run into one," Kiley answered taking his cigarette and snapping it. She had a thing about cigs. She hated them.
Scott smiled. "Always lookin out for me," he said staring at the split paper. Just then, they heard a sound. Sort of like a door creaking but lower. Like a....croaking?
"What's that?" asked Kiley searching the room with her eyes.
"I don't know," said Scott getting up. "It sounded kind of like a frog."
"Dude, don't try to scare me," said Kiley elbowing him.
"I'm not, I just-" Scott's voice was cut off and he fell to the ground in a coma.
Kiley dropped to his side and looked around the room when her eyes fell upon a tiny green frog. "Oh my God! It does exist!" Kiley shrieked. She got up and tried to run to the door but she fell over Scott's unmoving body. She lie on the floor frozen in fear as the frog jumped onto Scott's head and looked at her. Kiley went into a coma. This time, the Magic Kazoo couldn't bring her back.
* * ** * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Tara swam about the Pool of Endless Horseplay humming to herself. She twisted around under the water in a state of pure tranquility. She was actually kind of glad that Tavis decided not to join her. She liked her alone time. But little did she know how "alone" she reely was.
The Princess was right in mid backstroke when she heard a noise. It sounded like a foot or something slapping against the tile around the pool. SLAP. There it was again. Tara stopped and stood where she was and surveyed the room. "Tavis?" she asked in a tiny voice. She knew in the back of her mind it wasn't Tavis. She began to slowly paddle her way to the edge of the pool. When she turned to climb out there it was right in front of her. The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri-Lanka! Tara locked eyes with the tiny green creature and sunk into the clear blue water.
Lucky for the Princess, Aaron, Carlos and Matt were hot and sweaty from jammin out so they were coming in to take a little swim swim. Aaron was about to jump in when he saw the Princess floating face down in the clear blue water. "Holy shit!" he screamed and almost on reflex dove in after her. He frantically flung the Princess over his shoulder and handed her to Matt as he pulled himself out of the pool.
"Is she OK? What happened to her?" asked Carlos pacing around her lifeless body.
"I don't know man! Go get Tavis!" Aaron ordered examining the Princess.
Carlos ran out and Aaron and Matt frantically tried to revive Tara. Aaron had remembered watching those Rescue 911 shows about a million times. "OK. OK. I just tilt her head back, then like tongue the bitch right?" he asked Matt.
"Dude, I don't think you use your tongue," said Matt nervously pulling at his hair.
"Well, then what do I do?" Aaron shrieked.
"Just blow!" Matt shrieked back.
"Dude! She has a penis?!?!" Aaron asked clearly freaked out and taking a step back from her.
"No, you crazy asshole! Just blow air into her mouth!" Matt slapped him.
"Oh yeah! OK. I can do this." Aaron pinched her nose and tilted her chin up to his. He puffed her a few times and sat up and looked at her. "Dude! It's not doing anything!" he screamed at Matt.
"Well...uhhh...do it again!" shrieked Matt not knowing what was the right or wrong thing to do. Aaron did as instructed and Carlos, Tavis, and Dan ran in.
"Dude! Aaron! Get the fuck off my chick!" Tavis yelled at Aaron. "You're not using your tongue are you?" Tavis added adjusting his glasses and squinting. Aaron smiled devilishly at Matt and Tavis shoved him out of the way. "Tara? Please wake up!" Then Tavis realized that Tara wasn't just half dead. She was in a coma. Her eyes were opened in an unseeing stare. "You guys," said Tavis slowly, "Where's Kiley and Scott?"
Everyone exchanged worried glances. Tavis scooped up Tara and they made a mad dash for the TV room. It was too late. Kiley and Scott lie on the floor, eyes wide open in an unseeing stare. They too, were also in a coma. "We're too late," said Dan kneeling by the two motionless bodies. His eye caught a newspaper on the small table by the Plaid Couch of Plaid Vegging Out. The headline read "Mexican Staring Frog Of Southern Sri-Lanka Strikes Again." Dan looked up and knew everyone had seen the article.
Tavis sat on the Plaid Couch Of Plaid Vegging Out and cradled Tara in his arms. "I knew this would happen one day. I'm sorry, Tara. I'm sorry Kiley. I'm sorry Scott. I should've told you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he continued to murmur rocking Tara as he spoke.
"Dude, what are you talking about?" asked Carlos.
"I'm sorry," Tavis wailed, now crying.
"No, you tell us what the hell is going on right now!" Aaron ordered.
"I thought it would never find me! I thought this was all over! I never meant to involve you guys!" Tavis sobbed.
Dan grabbed his high school buddy by the shoulders and shook him hard. "Tavis, you tell me what the fuck is going on or I'm gonna beat your ass!" he shouted into Tavis' face.
"Dude, it was a long time ago!" said Tavis trying to break free out of Dan's death grip.
"Dammit! You tell us everything!" screamed Aaron.
"OK! OK!" wailed Tavis calming himself. "We used to play by this creek when we were little. I was just a tiny Tavis back then. We used to like, mess with the frogs sometimes. Then one day there was this one frog...he was big. And he wasn't just going 'Ribbet' he was like croaking in some foreign ribbits like, 'Ribbete.' It was weird. So we started fucking with it. Telling it to go home and throwing stuff at it. Then it's eyes bugged out and my friends went into comas. All of them but me. My special glasses had blocked the evil stare and I was the only one left. But he knew. That bastard frog knew we'd meet again. He'd come and hit me just when it meant the most. I never meant to get anyone involved. I didn't." he sobbed and hugged the lifeless staring Tara even closer.
"So how are we gonna stop this thing?" shrieked Matt. "We're all going into a coma if we don't get this fucker!"
"Come on!" said Aaron armed with his deadly star shoes of death. "Let's find the bastard." he said leaving the room.
"Right on," Carlos said following him.
Matt ran out. Tripped. Then regained his balance and followed.
Dan gave Tavis a pleading look and ran out the door.
Tavis gave Tara a peck on the cheek and hesitantly followed Aaron, Matt, Carlos and Dan. It was this or just wait.
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The four men had been searching for 2 hours and the frog was nowhere to be found. They had crashed in the Jamming Out room, very tired and extremely pissed off. "This is so stupid." said a pissed off Aaron.
"We're gonna be looking for this thing for a million years!" wailed Dan. He was cranky and sleepy.
Then, as if on cue, Matt went into a coma. Everyone jumped and searched the room with their eyes. "Well, where the hell is it?" asked a frantic Aaron.
"I don't know. Don't look at it's eyes if you see it though." Tavis whispered.
*THUMP*
Aaron went into a coma.
"Oh my God!" shrieked Dan jumping away from Aaron's body.
"Shit!" screamed Tavis. "OK. Just don't look for it. If you don't look for it, it's all good."
*THUMP*
Dan's eyes stared at Tavis as he lie slumped on the floor next to Matt and Aaron. "No, dammit!" Tavis wailed. "Where the hell are you, you little bitch?!?! Come out and fight!" Then, the little crossed eyed frog jumped out of the shadows onto the couch.
"Ribbete," it said.
"That's it. You take my band, a Princess and now my girlfriend. We're ending this once and for all," Tavis glared at the frog.
"Ribbete," it said.
"Stare contest! 1....2....3...GO!" shouted Tavis staring directly at the frog.
Tavis and the frog sat 3 feet away from each other entranced in the other one's eyes. Suddenly the frog whipped it's long pink tongue out at Tavis' face, trying to make him blink. Tavis pulled his head back just in time but his eyes remained unblinking.
"You'll have to do better then that amphibian scum!" Tavis laughed.
More staring and some silence. Suddenly, the frog opened his mouth to say something...only...it was Tara's voice! "Don't fuck up, loser!" it said, laughing evily.
"No! You wouldn't!" Tavis said his smile fading.
It was Dan's voice now. "You suck man! You can't even save your high school buddy!" it croaked evily.
"Son of a bitch!" Tavis was getting angry and weak but he was still not blinking.
Then, the frog whipped out a voice Tavis thought he would never ever hear again. It was one of his childhood friends that had gone into a coma that fateful day at the creek. "Tavis, you sold out on us. How could you?"
"LITTLE BITCH!" screamed Tavis. He blinked. It was all over. He knew he had lost. The frog croaked.
"Ribbete."
Tavis hung his head in defeat and his anger was building up something huge when suddenly, he opened his eyes and sparks shot from his glasses. The sparks gathered together and formed two blue beams. The blue beams shot out of his frames right at the frog and the frog exploded.
Tavis fell backwards. "Fancy that." he said adjusting his glasses. He heard something move. He looked behind him. "You guys! It's OK! I did it! I finally killed the Mexican Staring Frog Of Southern Sri-Lanka!" He ran to the perplexed band mates and pulled them to their feet. They ran across the bus to the TV room and found Kiley, Scott, and Tara sitting up rubbing their eyes.
"Tavis? What the fuck?" asked Tara in her tiny voice. Tavis said nothing but gave her a big hug.
"It's over babe," he said. "It's dead."
"Oh, umm....OK," said a confused Tara, "What's dead?"
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The RBF sat in the Nintendo room and watched Tavis and Dan battle out who was the Duckhunt champion. Tara was laying on the floor while the rest of the band was curled up in a section of her big jeans monitoring the event.
"So, then, that's what happened," said Tavis finishing up his story of how he saved everyone's ass that fateful night.
"Wow," said Aaron, "I didn't know foreign frogs were such a problem.
"They really should check the borders more carefully," Tara said in the middle of a yawn.
"Where's the Doritos?" asked Carlos.
Kiley pulled two bags out of one of Tara's pockets. "Cheese or the ranch kind?"
"Cheese I guess," said Carlos.
"What do you guys want for dinner tonight?" asked Matt. "I'm going over to G-Fresh later on."
Tavis chuckled to himself.
"What?" asked Matt.
"Nothing. It's retarted." said Tavis smiling.
"Mildly retarted?" asked Tara grinning at Kiley.
Kiley punched Tara's leg.
Tara spit on Kiley.
Kiley spit back.
Scott said, "Quit it, dammit!"
The girls stopped.
"What's so funny man?" asked Dan.
"Well," Tavis began, "If you're going to G-Fresh, please don't buy frog's legs!"
"You fuckin suck man." said Aaron. Then he pulled some of Tara's jeans over him as a blanket and closed his eyes for a nap.
~*~*~THE END~*~*~
Come visit me tonight at 8 o'clock and then you'll see how I am not the crazy one.