Reel Dumb Stories
Ep4: Punk As Shite
(A Tribute to Kellyn)

It was 4:30am on the Magic Tour Bus. Tara had strangely awoke during the night and she couldn't get back to sleep. She glanced at Tavis peacefully snoring next to her. She decided to go fetch a drink of water. (I know what you're thinking...."Why water? Don't you these people drink beer?"....well, it's late and you should really only drink beer when, well...water is just good for this scene so back off!) She stood in the Kitchen of Absolutely No Space and gazed out the window at the passing fence posts and cows.
"Cows are cool," she thought, sipping out of her special Sippy Cup, when suddenly, her happy thoughts were interrupted by a vision. She saw smoke, fire, pain, grief, and (you guessed it) WIGGERS! The frightened Princess let out a cry of agony and fell collapsed. Tavis heard the cry and came running in in nothing but his glasses, his hat, and his boxers.
He knelt by the curled up crying little Tara and hugged her, not knowing why she was crying but usually when chicks cry they need hugs. That's something Tara had thought Tavis. "Babe," he said softly, not wanting to startle her, "What the hell happened?" he asked.
"Oh, Tavis!" she wailed, still shaking in his arms, "I just had the worstest vision ever! You remember my soul cuz, Kellyn? The Punkstress of the Land of Severe Punk Rock?" she asked.
"How could I forget?" Tavis replied, carrying her back to the bunk, "They throw some killer parties!"
"Well, I just had a vision of terrible hardship, and I think she was trying to send me a psychic vibe of distress!" said Tara changing into her regular tiny tee and killer huge ass jeans. "I think the Punkstress is in trouble. We're going to go help her," she said, "We're off to the Land of Severe Punk Rock!"
Tavis didn't argue. He knew of Tara's whole vibe thing and he never questioned them. He awoke the other guys, took to the wheel and sped off into the night.

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Kellyn, the Punkstress of the Land of Severe Punk Rock watched from her palace balcony. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she witnessed the sight below her. Wiggers had infiltrated her Kingdom and the result was pure chaos. Wannabe white boys roared through the streets with their basses cranked to the highest and their ridiculous hydraulics crushing anything in their path. They taunted the peaceful Punk Rockers and set their underground clubs afire.
The Punkstress was sending psychic vibes out to all her soul peoples begging for help. "Please hurry," she thought.

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The Reel Big Fish Magic Tour Bus pulled into the Palace Parking Lot of the Land of Severe Punk Rock. The tiny, blue haired Titstress dashed into the Palace in a frantic search for Kellyn. She had seen the devastation the wiggers had caused. She could only hope they hadn't reached the Punkstress. Her vibes sensed that she was located in the Open Bar Room. 7th floor.
"Kellyn!" cried Tara, running to her Strawberry Haired Soul Cuz.
"Oh my God!" said a surprised Kellyn, "I didn't think you guys would get here! My Kingdom has been overthrown by...by..." her voice trailed off.
"Wiggers," sighed Aaron shaking his head in disapproval.
Just then, the door flung open and there stood (you guessed it) the Almighty Skaboom from the Land of Severe Rockin Out! Tara's Soul Skaboomer! Fancy that.
"Skaboom!" cried Tara, her face lighting up.
"Oh, Skaboom! Thank Buddha you showed up," said Kellyn, "We need as much help as possible! Those deluded white bastards are fucking up my whole Kingdom!"
"We'll be glad to help," said Scott, scratching the back of his head. He was inclined to do that a lot.
Then the door opened AGAIN! Well, I'll be damned. It was Ashley! The Smokstress of the Land of Artificial Good Feelings. ROCK! Tara and Ashley ran up to each other talking in some high pitched squeak only they could understand. They were total Soul Sistahs!
"Guess, you know what this means," said Tara.
"My Open Bar Room smelling of bong water?" said Kellyn.
"No," Tara replied, "It means that we are now able to invoke our super powers and seriously kick some tail!"
"YES!" Kiley cried, "I love kicking tail!"
"And awaaay we go!" said Skaboom. He would go first. "I invoke the powers of my father Darrin of Goldfinger and my mother Naga the Dragon to become Skai-tai-boom!" boomed Skaboom, now transformed into his super hero self.
"I Kiley of the Land of Horror and Sci-fi trust no one! I invoke the powers of my father David Duchovny and my mother Linda Blair to become Ki-Lee! Mistress of the Night and Worrier of Darkness!" screeched Kiley.
"You finished?" said Tara rather sarcastically.
"Shut up and let me enjoy my moment," Kiley shot back.
"Yeah whatever," said Tara ready to get super heroed, "I Tara Titstress daughter of Bruce Willis and Christina Ricci invoke their power to become, The 6th Element!" said Tara, rather loudly.
"OK OK OK!" interrupted Kellyn, "My turn! I Kellyn, Punkstress daughter of Tim Armstrong and Cindy Lauper invoke their powers to become Mega Punk Star!"
"Woah, dude," said a bewildered Carlos, "Tavis, you've been Nookying the 6th Element!"
"I'm as shocked as you, my friend!" laughed Tavis.
"My turn now, dammit!" Ashley shouted, "I Ashley daughter of Jimi Hendrix and Bjork invoke the powers to become Techno Stonestress!" Now, when Ashley did this, there suddenly played a familiar sound of a synthesizer.
"Are we done invoking?" asked Matt.
"Roll call!" shouted Dan.
"Ashley?"
"Here...I think...wait, where am I?"
"Kiley?"
"Right here, away from Skaboom."
"Skaboom?"
"HEEEEER! OH YEAH!"
"Tara?"
"Queer! Teeheeheee!"
"Kellyn?"
"Here and ready to beat wigger ass!"
Everyone shouted, "YEAH!" very enthusiastically and they jumped from the balcony to descend upon the wiggers to beat their asses.
Scott was seen taking a wigger out by shooting beams of death out of his pelvis as he thrusted it like mad.
Tavis shot beams of death out of his killer sexy glasses! (Rock on!)
Kellyn the beat shit outta some wiggers with her rad ass army boots!
Ashley shot razor sharp weed leaves out of little slits on her wrist. (Very Spidermanish)
Kiley did her whole Exorcist thing as she used on Walt Disney.
Tara whipped out all these killer moves she learned from watching her fav Sci-fi flick, the 5th Element and she was kicking some arse huge!
Aaron, shot little razor sharp stars out of his shoes (which Tara had attempted to steal when she first met the band back in the Land Of Severe Rockin Out)
Dan was shooting deadly beams of death out of his trombone, but rockin the house all at the same time with his awesome sounds!
Speaking of sounds, there was those Batmanish sounds going on in the background for effect. Let me demonstrate. "BAM! POW! KICK! PUNCH! SPLAT?" Well, you get the idea.
Carlos...well...we don't really know what Carlos did. I think he broke a lot of beer bottles, slashed up the shite, then beat them senseless with his drumsticks.
Matt shot out pretty colored beams of death out of his tattoos. Figured those would come in handy, eh?
Umm where was I? Oh! Yeah, then the super heroes and super rock stars (note: while saying 'rock stars' move lips funny) were starting to get really tired. The wiggers weren't very good fighters but they had numbers and that was bad. They were closing in on the Good Guys when...Skai-tai-boom to the rescue!!!
Skai-tai-boom shot way up into the air then, while screaming the phrase, "SONIC SKABOOM" he slammed his Doc Martins down and created a huge tremor which the wiggers could not stand. Most died right there, some retreated and a small amount converted to Punk Rockers! The battle was over and the Good Guys had won.

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The Party People had returned to their normal Almighty and Princess selves and were relaxin out. Everyone was sitting in the Open Bar room sucking on some beers and just plain chillin, when there was a knock at the door.
"Who the hell would knock on a Bar Room door?" said Kellyn, getting up to answer it. She turned the knob and pulled it open. "Holy shit!" she screamed at the sight in front of her.
"Oh my God!" screamed Scott.
"It's Master P!" wailed Tara in Horror.
Ashley went into a coughing fit from the surprise.
Dan punched her back and got her some water.
Ashley said "Thanks."
Dan said "You're welcome."
Master P said, "HELLO?!?!"
Everybody got quiet.
"UUUUHHH!" P shouted.
"Is that really necessary?" said Tara, "That's so obnoxious."
"Shutcho mouf biatch!" said Master P in a language they could barely understand. I think it was 'Ebonics.'
"Hey!" said Tavis getting up, "Don't call her bitch you fat fuck!"
Master P spit something out of his mouth and it grazed Tavis' shoulder like a bullet. "What the hell was that?" said a surprised Tavis.
"My gold toof," answered Master P.
"Dude, what are you doing here again?" asked Ashley.
"Aw yeah," said Master P, "You killed a lot of my homies. Now I have to waste a lot of time writing 150 more 'I Miss My Homies' songs! So now I'm funna bust a cap in yo ass!" he said pulling out a gun.
"Come on, dude, lose the gun!" said Skaboom panicking.
"I could've done this the easy Drive-By way but since you be all up in this castle place I had to walk my fat ass up the stairs, now I'm really pissed off!" eboniked Master P.
"You could've taken the elevator," Kellyn pointed out.
"Huh?" said Master P.
"God, you really are a retard," said Kiley shaking her head, "I always just thought you did that for your songs."
"That's it bioch! You da first to go!" said Master P, pointing the gun at Kiley.
"Aw, crap," said Kiley.
But THEN! Guessed who busted through the door to save the day? You guessed it! Kellyn's daddy, Tim Armstrong of Rancid! Rock!
"Daddy!" said Kellyn, "That's my dad!" she pointed out proudly to everyone.
"Hi pumpkin!" Tim Armstrong of Rancid waved to Kellyn then got a serious look on his face. "As for you!" he said pointing to Master P. "Take this you excuse for a human!" Tim Armstrong of Rancid bent his head down and the red liberty spikes on his head shot out like bullets stabbing Master P putting an end to him forever.
"YAY!" Everyone cheered.
"That's my dad!" said Kellyn proudly.
"Well, Kellyn," said Tim Armstrong of Rancid, "Keep up your grades and you might see a knew drum set you've been asking for!"
"Yes!" said Kellyn gleefully.
A flash of light and Tim Armstrong of Rancid was gone.
"Well," said Tavis handing Tara a beer, "All this action makes me think of one thing," he smiled at her.
"Hot Nooky it is!" laughed Tara gleefully and they left the room.
"I'm sensing a vibe," said Kiley eyeing Scott.
"Hot Nooky for us then too!" And they left the room.
Matt went to go play Nintendo 64.
Skaboom and Carlos went to go watch some Japanimation videos.
Dan was eyeing Ashley. "Hot Nooky?" he asked, "I play the trombone," he added.
"Sorry dude, I have bong lips," sighed Ashley.
"All the better," smiled Dan extending his hand to her.
They left the room.
Then it was only Aaron and Kellyn.
"Well," said Aaron, "I'm not very punk but I am in a ska band."
Kellyn eyed him up and down while she took the last sip of her beer. "What the hell, she sighed." Then they left.
It turned out to be a very good day.

No one was harmed during the making of this Reel Dumb Story. Except for Master P and those wiggers cuz let's face it, they deserve it, dammit. All events portrayed in this are highly coincidental, and if you're offended, go cry about it. This episode was dedicated to the punkiest punk girly I know, Kellyn. ROCK!

All shite written by: Tara (awsomest)