::::::::CUE BLURRY WAVY LINES AND HARP MUSIC FOR A CUT AWAY SCENE:::::::
Tara's voice can be heard narrating as she explains her tale. "Well," she began, "Now, for as long as anyone could remember, there was a huge porn studio down the street from the palace. Every day there could be heard keyboard and saxophone music coming from the studio. They were really really workin it down there."
"A porn studio?" asked a confused Dan.
"Hell, yeah, dude," answered Tara, "You know how all horror film have sex sex sex! It's a booming industry down there!"
"So that explains all your little toys," said Tavis.
"You know it," smirked Tara.
"Come on, finish," said Kiley.
"Oh, right...umm. About 3 months and 4 days after I was born," Tara began again, "my royal family received word of the birth of new Princess of the Land of Horror and Sci-fi. My royal family being close homies with the other royal family was cordially invited to go there to see the new Princess. But since I seemed to be the only one who could endure Horror and Sci-fi better then anyone in my family I was sent to go check it out. Even though I was only 3 months and 4 days old. So I went there to check it out."
"Wait, what does this have to do with Kiley?" interrupted Aaron, "Porn studios?" he questioned.
"Dude, let me finish!" said Tara, annoyed that he would interrupt her.
"Sorry," he said and got quiet again.
"Anyhoo," Tara began again, "I was at the palace, and I had just walked up to the royal crib to take a gander at the new Princess. She was a cute little thing. Sort of. Her father the Almighty of the Land of Horror and Sci-fi came up to me and offered me a beer."
"She has her mother's personality," he said, "You can just tell." Then the Almightstress walked up to me offering me some cupcake.
"She has her father's nose, really," she added.
"Wait wait wait!" interrupted Kiley, "Who's the princess? What does she have to do with me?" she demanded.
Tara look a long sip of her beer then looked Kiley directly in the eye. "You're the princess," she said solemnly.
"Holy shite!" said Scott, "I've been Nookying with the Princess of the Land of Horror and Sci-fi!" he exclaimed.
"But, if I'm the Princess that means that my father is...David Duchovny!!!" she squealed, "And my mother...." he voice trailed off.
"Yes, Kiley," said Tara picking up for her, "Linda Blair."
Kiley sat dazed for a while, in silence.
"Woah," said Carlos, "but wait! If she's the Princess, then, what made her think she was Princess of the Land Of Severe Rockin Out?" he questioned.
"That's where I come in," said Tara impatiently, "Now let me finish."
"Right," said Carlos pointing at her to start.
"Well, anyway, we were sitting there admiring the Princess when all of the sudden there was a great explosion. It was coming from the porno studio down the street. There seemed to have been this one waterbed scene being shot. I don't remember exactly, but i know it was a waterbed. It was a disater waiting to happen."
"Anyhoo, a wire...it was out of place and it connected with the waterbed as everyone was gather upon it. A huge explosion and that was it," Tara continued, "There was boob flesh flying everywhere for miles around. Many were killed including.....the Almightstress, Linda Blair of the Land of Horror and Sci-fi. A piece of wire from a bra flew off and slashed her right across the throat. It was awful." Tara shook her head.
"My mother?" said Kiley, tears welling up in her eyes, "A piece of wire from a bra? That's what killed my mother? I thought it was that whole excorsism thing gone wrong, right?"
"No, Kiley," said Tara puting her hand on her shoulder, "It was the bra. You, being only a newborn very influential baby witnessed your own mother's death. That's why you go into a coma every time you are caught by surprise by a bra. The only thing that can bring you back is the X-Files theme played on this Magic Kazoo your father left to me." Tara held up the green plastic instrument.
"But, how did I get taken home with you?" asked Kiley.
"Your father knew he could never raise a child on his own without his beloved wife, cuz let's face it. He's a guy. An actor too no less," explained Tara.
"I understand," said Kiley, a tear falling from her eye.
"It's OK, babe," said Scott hugging her. "There was nothing you could do."
"So," continued Tara, "I was told to bring you back to the Land of Severe Rockin Out where I would grow up with you and later on teach you the ways of the Horror/Sci-fi super powers."
"Super powers?" said Kiley excitedly, "Yes!"
"OK, let's begin," said Tara. Everyone leaned in for the demonstration. "Now Kiley, since your mother was Linda Blair you posses a piece of pure demonic EE-VIL inside you, that only you can invoke. And since your father is David Duchovny you have the power to be very very paranoid."
"How does she invoke these things?" asked Scott.
"I'm getting to that," answered Tara through clenched teeth, "Will you just let me finish?"
"Right. Sorry. Continue," he said.
"Thank you," said Tara and she began to continue yet again, "Anyway, you can only invoke these powers by-"
"Wait!" Kiley cut off Tara, "What are the powers used for? The paranoia and the EE-VIL I mean."
"Dude, you don't invoke paranoia. You're equipped wit it. Like an action figure," Tara explained.
"Oh, right," said Kiley nodding.
"So, the EE-VIL is another thing all together," Tara began, "You have to say the ancient saying."
"Which would be..." said Kiley.
"It would be..." said Tara, "I Kiley of the Land of Horror and Sci-fi trust no one! I invoke the powers of my mother Linda Blair to become Kiley, Mistress of the night and ultimate worrier of Darkness!" said Tara rather loudly in a booming voice.
"That's it? Then what?" said Kiley hoping for more.
"Then you kick ass," said Tara.
"That's it? Just for kicking...butt?" said Kiley rather let down.
Tara gave a devilish smile. "Well," she began, "If you do it the right way, it can also be used for Hot Nooky," she smiled.
"Yes!" said Kiley giving Tara a high-five.
"I don't know if I like that," said Scott adjusting himself uneasily.
Tara and Kiley laughed.
But what they didn't know was that the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney was standing outside the tour bus window holding onto one of those bar thingys on the roof. "At, last!" he thought to himself, "I've finally found the Princess of the Land of Horror and Sci-fi. All my Disney movies are being shown up by horror shite lately and now I can kidnap and kill the Princess and the world of horror will collapse and wholesome Disney will rule once again!!!! MUAHAHAHAA," he thought the laugh to himself too.
::::::::::CUE EVIL MUSIC::::::::::
* * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Kiley was watching the X-Files admiring her newly found father. Everyone else was either asleep passed out or going about with Hot Nooky. When all of the sudden, she heard a creak by the doorway.
"Scott," she said not bothering to turn around. "Is that you? I was thinking about that EE-VIL Nooky stuff Tara was talking about," she said devilishly, "Scott?"
It wasn't Scott.
Kiley whipped around and to her surprise, it was, you guessed it, WALT DISNEY! "What are you doing here?" she said, somewhat frightened.
"I have something for you!" he said, "You like Victoria's Secret?" he taunted.
"You wouldn't!" she said throwing her hands if front of her for protection.
Walt whipped the bra out in front of her laughing uncontrollably.
Kiley went into a coma.
Walt took out the X-Files tape Kiley was watching. "As for this," he said disgusted, and tore out all the film, leaving the corpse of plastic and film strip lying by the now vegetabelized, Kiley. He laughed again and disappeared out the nearby window.
* * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
About three hours later, Carlos and Aaron walked in to find Kiley's motionless body on the floor next to the X-Files tape and a Victoria's Secret bra.
"Aw, shit!" said Aaron.
Carlos dashed out of the room, "Tara! Scott! Quick! The Magic Kazoo!" he screamed.
Carlos ripped the curtain from Tavis' bunk back to see the couple passed out from some severe Hot Nooky. "Shit," he thought, "They really...well....shit."
"You guys! Wake up!" he began shaking them trying not to grab anything that he would get beat up for. "WAKE UP GOD DAMMIT!"
Tara rubbed her eyes, "Hmm? Carlos, I'm really tired, OK?" she mumbled.
"We need you dammit! Kiley does! Get up!" he screamed.
"Dude, we've gone over this," she mumbled, "Just put the burrito in the microwave, then press 3, 0, 0, then START. Not that difficult!"
"Kiley's in another coma!" he screamed shaking her.
"Oh, shit! Why didn't you say so?" she said and pulled on some clothes and half ran half stumbled to the TV room where Kiley was. (Big Magic Tour Bus, ain't it?) Tara pulled out the Magic Kazoo and played the eerie X-Files theme. Kiley sprung to life.
"Oh Scott!" she said running to his arms, "It was so awful! Walt Disney came and he said something about Victoria's Secret and then...and then...." she was crying now.
"Walt Disney?" said Aaron scratching his head. "Where does he come in?"
"Just look at the clues!" said Tara, "Kiley's in a coma and lying next to her is THIS!" she held up the dead X-Files tape.
"NOOOOO!!!" Kiley wailed and grabbed the tape. "Why? Oh, why?" she bawled examining the tape.
Scott put his arm around her, "Come on Kiley. It's over."
"No! No, I'm not going to give up on this tape!" she said.
"Kiley, get a hold of yourself," Scott pleaded.
"Leave me alone!" she screamed. "Live dammit, LIVE!" she said pounding on the tape.
"Woah, dude," said a bewildered Tara.
"Where are those little heart paddle thingy's that George Cloony uses?" she said getting up.
"Not those!" said Aaron trying to get out of the way.
Kiley found the heart paddle thingys. No one even knew they had them on the bus. Fancy that.
"Clear!" she said and electrified the tape.
"Clear!" said Scott holding the tapes pulse.
The little tape flew into the air, but it was of no use.
"Charge it up to 3,000 volts!" Kiley ordered.
"3,000 volts," said Aaron cranking up the machine.
"CLEAR!" said Kiley.
"CLEAR!" said Scott.
The little tape flew into the air and Scott's sideburns and hair started fuzzing out from the electricity.
"Charge it up to 5,000 volts!" Kiley screamed.
"5,000 volts!" said Aaron.
"No-o-o-ooo!" said Scott.
"CLEAR!" said Kiley.
Scott flew into the air along with the tape this time.
"Kiley! What are you doing?" screamed Scott trying to hold still from the shockege.
"What's it look like!?!" she screamed.
"An execution?" asked Scott.
"Dammit man! I'm trying to save an innocent life!" There's that Scottish accent again. They looked at eachother perplexed.
"I'm given her all I've got captain!" Scott shot back in an equally notable Scottish thingy.
There was a pause.
"I love ya, always have," Kiley smiled.
Everyone laughed.
Kiley looked at the tape and realized it was of no use. It was over. She began to cry again. "He did this," she muttered, "Come on, guys!" she shouted leading everyone out of the room.
"Where are we going?" asked Tara.
"We're gonna find Walt Disney, then we're gonna kill him!" she shouted.
"What's going on?" asked Matt (finally entering for the first time in this episode)
"We're gonna find Walt Disney then we're gonna kill him!" repeated Kiley.
"Hey, guys," said Tavis yawning, "What's up? Where are you going?" he asked.
"Were gonna find Walt Disney then we're gonna kill him!" said Kiley once again.
"Wait, just to revue," said Scott, "What are we doing again?"
Everyone shot him a look.
"Just kidding," he laughed.
Everybody laughed then they marched to the front of the bus.
"Driver!" said Kiley, "Get outta my way!" she pushed the non-English speaking driver out of the way and took to the wheel to Disney World.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** *
The bus arrived at about 6pm to the theme park. They would've gotten there earlier but they had to stop to buy some beer. They all piled out of the Magic Tour Bus and went searching for Walt Disney.
"We gotta go see Mr. Shithead Disney," said Aaron to the lady behind the ticket counter.
"Hey, didn't you guys play at Pleasure Island just a while ago?" asked the teller.
"Why, yes we did," said Matt.
After signing a few autographs they got the directions and found the room where Mr. Shithead Disney was in his chamber. He lie there as if he had never left.
"He looks so happy," said Tara tilting her head to the side.
"He looks like he's gonna sing a song," said Tavis.
"Fuck that!" said Scott. He picked up a nearby chair and smashed the chamber.
Disney jumped out, "Oh no! It's the RBF and the Princesses!" he screamed, "I'm fucked!"
"That's right you are!" Kiley screamed, "Here we go!"
"Wait! Kiley! Maybe we should think about this!" Tara began but it was too late.
"I Kiley of the Land of Horror and Sci-fi trust no one! I invoke the powers of my mother Linda Blair to become Ki-Lee! Mistress of the Night and Ultimate Worrier of Darkness!" Kiley screamed. Suddenly, Kiley's eyes turned into a glowing red and smoke arose from her head. Then! Her hair caught afire and she was talking all of her words backwards!
"Woah, dude," said Aaron, hiding behind the others. The band and Tara all shrinked back against the wall and ate popcorn and drank soda while watching Kiley kick some ass.
Kiley shot some acid-like pea soup out of her mouth and it burnt a couple holes through Disney. Then she made all these things fly around the room and everything got all crazy and nutso. Then for a finale, she took a cross and shoved it right up Disney's ass just as her mother did to herself in her very own home-excorsism. Finally, Disney died.
Tara walked up to the lifeless messed up, hardly recognizable body and sat next to him. A tear might have been seen in her eye.
"I'm sorry, Tara," said Kiley.
"I know, I know. You did what you had to do and it's over," said Tara wiping her eyes.
"You OK?" asked Carlos.
"Yeah...yeah...I'll be OK," she said.
"Hey, Tara," Tavis said tilting her chin up to look at him, "I hear that Haunted House is a pretty good make out ride. Whaddaya say?" A smile crossed his round face and Tara smiled back.
"OK," said Tara sniffling, but now smiling.
Everyone clapped and then Kiley returned to her normal state and they all ran into the Magic Kingdom park. There were pictures taken with the characters, consumption of way to much alcoholic refreshment, and yes, some Hot Nooky. All in all it turned out to be a very good day.
~*~*~THE END~*~*~