Reel Dumb Stories
Ep2: Aboard The Magic Tour Bus

It had been a very, very long day. The longest anyone could remember. And it was only 9pm! The Reel Big Fish and their Princess girlfriends had spent the entire day pimpin' the re-release of the first album, Everything Sucks. There were about a thousand press conferences goin' down and tons of benefit appearances. Which Tara and Kiley still moshed to, since they had the obligation and standing still just wasn't in their nature.
Tara and Tavis were trying to recover from a brief, mild Hot Nooky. (It had been a long day and Tavis just didn't have the energy) Kiley was brushing out Scott's sideburns as usual. Andrew and Matt (trying to make his tattoos dance) were watching the Planet of the Apes videos and sucking on beers and Dan was applying medication to his manhood for it was still sore from being cramped in a trombone the week before. But there was something weird about Aaron.
After boarding the bus and just chillin for a few hours, he awoke ever so suddenly and began turning the bus upside down looking for something. No one cared or knew what it was so they just let him go on his merry way.
Suddenly, Tara thought of something so important she had to ask about it. "Hey," she said, "has anyone ever met the bus driver?" She always thought of things that no one else did after Hot Nooky great or small.
"Well," panted Tavis, trying still, to catch his breath, "I think - gasp - well, uh...I don't really know. What do you think Aaron?"
"Uh, just put toothpaste on it. It'll get better." he mumbled, not bothering to even look up. He was very preoccupied.
Anyway, Tara forgot about the topic and it was dropped. The party people sucked on beers in silence for a while when suddenly, the bus swerved and there was a flash of light. There was a BOOM. And was that the Wicked Witch of the West outside the window? More flashing lights filled the bus and then there was silence again.
"What the hell was that?" shrieked Tara.
"Mother of a God Damn, bitch..." screamed Dan holding his genitalia. He was flung off the couch and lay in a fetal position on the ground.
"Who's driving the damn bus?" slurred Andrew. Uh-oh. He was going into a drunken rage. "I'll take care of this!" And he stumbled his way to the front. He grabbed the driver's shoulder and began to give her a verbal thrashing, "What in the fudge is wrong with you, bitch? You made me drop my beer!"
The driver said nothing.
"I'm talking to you, you stupid bitch!" he slurred.
The driver said nothing.
"Aw, the fuck with ya!" he said trying to make his way to the back of the bus again.
The driver glanced in her mirror and smirked and said nothing.
The ride was going smoothly after that. It had begun to storm outside the there was some thunder and some lightening but there was still beer and a healthy supply of sex mints so no one paid much attention to the weather.
Tara lie next to a snoring Tavis holding her forehead. "I've got achege in my head," she moaned.
Kiley gripped Scott's sideburns. "Ow, Kiley!" he said. "Settle down."
"No 'ege,'" she said through gritted teeth. She hated it when people added 'ege' to the end of verbs. Or any word at that. It made her nervous.
Tara just rolled her eyes and put her head on Tavis' chest. She began to think again. "God, my head hurts," she thought, "I never get headaches. Kiley gets headaches, not me. And what was that flash of light and boom all about earlier? And why haven't we stopped yet for Wendy's or Taco Bell or sompin? And what the hell is Aaron looking for?"
"Hey, Aaron?" she said, poking her head out of the bunk.
"Hmm," Aaron grunted.
"What are you looking for?" she asked in her innocent voice.
"Nothing. Go to sleep." he answered in a stern voice.
"No, tell me."
Aaron stopped what he was doing and turned his head to face her. "I said go to sleep." He said through clenched teeth. He wasn't smiling.
This freaked out Tara. He seemed really really pissed or stressed or something. She shrinked into Tavis' bunk and fell asleep as Aaron had ordered.
There was something spooky about Aaron.

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Dan was laying in his bunk trying to count call girls jumping over hotel beds to get to sleep when he heard the weirdest noise. "Do you guys hear that?" he asked. No one answered. It sounded like a very low key version of their song Hate You off of their recently re-released album Everything Sucks. It was sort of a drone or a humming. It wasn't getting louder, nor softer, but it was freaking out Dan. He crouched in his bunk. "Just some Magic Tour Bus sound. Just the Langoliers. Just someone's headphones. Just Kiley and Scott Nookying," he thought. But he knew it wasn't. It had to be something else. What the hell was going on here?

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Kiley sat up in Scott's bunk and smacked her head on the ceiling. "Ouch!" She forgot how tiny the little bunks were. What had awakened her so suddenly was a nightmare. Well, to Kiley it was a nightmare. She nightmared that she was running through a valley of colorful flowers. The sun was shining down on her happily and her and Scott were running, well, frolicking and singing through the whole thing. She wiped the cold sweat off the back of her neck.
She pulled the curtain back and only saw Aaron searching frantically for the unknown object. She was afraid to fall asleep again for fear of having another nightmare. "Frolicking," she thought, "Sweet Lord. Just a dream" She shuddered at the recollection of it all. She lie down and played with Scott's sideburns to calm herself. What the hell was going on here?

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Aaron searched frantically through the Magic Tour Bus. "Please, God let me find it." he thought. If Aaron didn't find what he was looking for soon, the band and the princesses were doomed. It was all up to him.

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The bus driver grinned to herself EEE-VILY. Only a few hours left and they would be there. Egotropolis. Reel Big Fish and the Princesses didn't belong in the real world with all the other ska bands. The driver was the servant for Mainstream, the Almighty of Egotropolis. It was her mission to take the crew to what her people believed was the ultimate Utopia for all Rock Stars. Aaron knew better. They had already gotten off on the Forbidden Exit. That was what catapulted them on the highway to Egotropolis. A hell for all against being bastard assholes to the real world.
Tracy of the Hood of no Return (the bus driver here!) chuckled to herself. "You'll never find it, Aaron," she thought. "It won't be long now. Soon you and the rest of the RBF and the Princesses too, will have crossed over." She now laughed an EEE-VIL laugh.

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Matt had woken up in his bunk. He blinked. Suddenly there was an eerie glow above him. "What in Buddha..." he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. The glow took on a lavender color now and was forming into a the shape of a pixie. "I'm so wasted." Thought Matt, trying to remember the exact count of alcoholic beverage.
"Matt, you're not wasted," said the pixie in a tiny little pixyish voice. "You've got to warn the others!" she said. "You don't have much time left!" she squeaked.
"Who are you?" asked a bewildered Matt.
"My name is Skanaty. I am a messenger of the Almighty Skaboom. He sent me to warn you. The bus driver is evil." Said Skanaty.
"You mean, EEE-VIL," corrected Matt.
"Yes. Extremely," Skanaty continued, "She has driven you off the Forbidden Exit and you're heading for Egotropolis. Aaron is the only person who can stop her but you have to keep the Magic Bus in order," she squeaked. She somewhat resembled Tara's old pal Natalie from back at home, but....nah.
"Keep the bus in order? I don't understand," said Matt.
Skanaty was fading now. "Keep things normal," she said. There was a poof of glitter and she was gone.
"This is so fucked," Matt said to himself. Then he heard yelling. Tavis and Tara? He sprung out of his bunk to see what the ruckus was.
"Babe! I didn't do anything wrong!" shrieked Tara.
"I'm sick of it! All you ever do is...well....God dammit! You and your infernal cleavage!" screamed Tavis in a rage.
"NO EGE!" Kiley shrieked, tearing at her hair. Scott tried to cover her ears but she was trembling.
"How can you say that?" Tara wailed, "I just don't know you anymore!"
"Oh, boo hoo hoo!" Tavis taunted. "Go cry about it!"
So Tara began to cry.
"HEY!" screamed Matt, interrupting the scene, "STOP IT! PLEASE! NO MORE SCREAMEGE!"
"NO EGE!!!!!" Kiley screamed and collapsed into a spaz.
"I'm sorry!" said Matt.
"Dude! What did you do to her?" wailed Scott trying to help her up.
Then Andrew came in. "What in the hell is going on out here? Tavis, you son of a bitch! Did you hit the Titstress?" he accused.
"Dude, it was nothing like that!" Tavis argued.
"Dude!" said Andrew, "Don't make me take a drum stick to yo ass cuz I'll do it!"
Then Dan was the next to come in, holding his ears and screaming something awful about the Everything Sucks album. "I can hear it!" he wailed, "Can't you hear it?!? Listen! Listen! It's been playing all night!! Please make it stop!" He then collapsed to the floor mumbling the words to I'll Never Be.
"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Matt's scream pierced the bus. "Listen to me! Look at ourselves! We're all going mad! Don't you guys realize how much trouble we're in? Our bus driver is Tracy of the Hood of No Return! Messenger on the Almighty Mainstream! She drove us off the Forbidden Exit and we're heading straight for Egotropolis!"
"Egotropolis?" shrieked Tara. "No! It can't be!"
"Don't you see?" Matt continued, "That flash of light and the boom! That was when we got off the Forbidden Exit! We've entered the Vortex! We all need to calm the fuck down, have a some beers and just stay cool! PLEASE!" And then Matt broke down and began to cry. Then his tattoos began to cry.
Tara sat down next to him and rested her head on his shoulder. "It'll be OK. We'll make it through. We always do." She said softly.
Tavis sat down next to Tara and hugged her, muttering various apologies and stroking her blue hair. Kiley had calmed down and Scott was retrieving beers for everyone. Everyone gathered around in a circle on the Table of Endless Alcoholic Consumption in silence. Tara had begun sucking her thumb and twirling her hair profusely. Kiley had taken up brushing Scott's sideburns again and everyone was feeling calm. When all the sudden!
Tracy of the Hood of No Return was standing before them. "The bus is on it's fixed track now," she said, "Won't be long until we get there," she smiled.
"What do you want from us?!?!" Tara shrieked. "Why are you doing this?"
"I'm not doing this to be mean!" screamed Tracy suddenly making everyone jump, "Not to be mean! To be nice! You guys belong in Egotropolis! Just think! Your songs playing constantly over the radio! CONSTANTLY! Totally worn out! We'll make you really really popular and we'll tell you how to make your albums! You'll no longer have to put up with dumb tiny shows! We'll sell your tickets for $50 apiece! You'll only play 18 and up shows! You'll be filthy rich! And you'll get to be friends with the Backstreet Boys!!!!"
"No!" Screamed Scott, "We're not doing that! How dare you! You'll never get away with this!"
"Oh, but I will!" said Tracy with a crazy look in her eyes, "We're only a few minutes away! So kiss you're asses good-bye!"
"NO!" It was Aaron saying 'no' this time, "We're not going anywhere! Take this you trendy bitch!" He held up a guitar pick. Just a simple guitar pick was all it was, with little purple glitter on it. He began to chant the ancient words.
"Rectus Dominus! ZATATOONGA!" he screamed holding the pick up.
"NO! Stop! You have no idea what you're doing!" pleaded bitch Tracy.
And the little guitar pick floated in the air out of Aaron's hand and a huge purple light shone out of it. It was a huge purple beam. It shot up through the ceiling of the Magic Tour Bus. Suddenly, there was a rumble. Soft but gaining volume. Out of nowhere, a mob of tiny pixies showed up, Skanaty leading them. They all floated in front of Tracy for a minute. Then they opened up their tiny little mouths as if they were about to suck - uhm...that is well...they opened up their tiny little mouths and the most defining noise was heard through the bus. It sounded like a mix of drums, horns, bass, guitars, and tambourines? Maybe a synthesizer. But it was fuckin loud.
"NOOOOOOO!" wailed Tracy! "Stop! Stop!" Tracy began to smoke. Not like light one up but smoke was coming from her body.
Aaron continued to chant the ancient words. Then all the pixies got silent and Aaron stepped up to Tracy. "We're not going anywhere!!!" he said very loudly. Then he chanted the final ancient words, "CHITTY CHITTY BANG ZATATOONGA HOT NOOKY PINCH & SQUEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Then he let out a roar like no one had heard him use before and he shot a huge purple beam out of each eye and Tracy was shot out into space. The pixies all disappeared. A flash of light, and it was all over.
They were now back on the right road to their next tour date. Everything was all calm again. Their usual unknown driver was driving. They were out of the Vortex and they were safe from Egotropolis. Tara was sitting by Aaron patting his head with ice cuz saving the band took a lot out of him.
"That was fuckin intense," she said.
"Yeah. Sorry I didn't tell you guys. *pant pant* But you know. *gasp* I didn't want to cause a ruckus." said Aaron, barely having enough breath for that one sentence. He tried to get up. "Must get water."
Tara gently pushed him to the ground. "Shush, shush, shush," she said handing him a refreshing super skalicious NAYA! (cha-ching!)
"Aaron?" said Dan. "Can you explain the noise?"
"The noise, Dan," Aaron began, "was our album Everything Sucks being played all over Egotropolis. Everyone was blasting it and we were so close to the Hell that you could hear it. Creepy, right?"
"Wowzers." sighed Dan, "What a stressful day.
Suddenly, another flash of light.
"Oh, shit. Not again." Tavis yelled. "I'm not gonna have enough energy for Hot Nooky if this keeps up!"
A tall figure stood in the doorway. Everyone was frozen in horror. After all, who knew what to expect? Then Tara squinted and realized who it was.
"DAN!" she squealed and ran over to hug him.
Everyone else bowed at his feet. It wasn't just Dan. It was Dan to Tara cuz they were royal family. But to everyone else, he was the Almighty Skaboom of the Land of Severe Rockin Out. That means he's like ruler of that whole world.
"Tara!" said the Almighty Skaboom, hugging her against his SkaMoon shirt.
"What the hell are you doing here?" asked Tara.
"You know him? Like personally?" asked Tavis.
"Dude! He's the Almighty and I'm the Titstress! We're royal family! Weep wah weep wah surro no happo?!!?" explained Tara, a little disappointed that Tavis would be so dense.
"Oh, yeah." Said Tavis nodding.
"Anyway," said Skaboom, "I'm here to knight you, Aaron. You saved the lives of my soul sista princess and the whole band...and...Kiley. Therefore I shall knight your ass. Kneel."
Aaron almost shit. He knelt on one knee before Skaboom. "My guitar." Said Skaboom and like magic, Skanaty appeared out of nowhere (this time life sized) and handed Skaboom his guitar. She winked at Matt.
"Aaron Barrett of Reel Big Fish, due to the past events of saving the lives of the band and the Princesses I hearby knight you as Sir Aaron of the Land of Severe Rocking Out." Boomed Skaboom.
"What does that mean?" asked Aaron.
Skaboom scratched his chin. "It means uhh...umm...that you're kinda royalty. Yeah, that's it. And whenever you guys visit the palace, you get a really nice room for chicks and stuff."
"Rock!" said Aaron, already excited.
Skaboom tapped the guitar neck on Aaron's shoulder and Aaron stood up now Sir Aaron of the Land of Severe Rockin Out.
"So, now I guess I'm finished here," said Skaboom, "I gotta haul ass to a Goldfinger show and skank up the shit and get some ass from Lady Terran of the Land of Severe Rocking Out. Good-bye everyone!" he smiled. "Hey, where's Skanaty?"
Andrew pulled the curtain on Matt's bunk and Skanaty flew out. "Umm, what?" she said rather nonchalantly.
Skaboom just sighed. "Let's go, you weird. He's a bass player." Said Skaboom. There was a flash of light as usual and they were gone.
"Hey, you guys," said Matt looking dizzy, "Ever Nookied with a pixie before?"
Everyone laughed.
Scott and Kiley got some NAYA and disappeared into Scott's bunk.
Tavis and Tara took their share of beers and decided to skip the Sex Mints cuz all the panic and shit was making them really anxious. So they went to Tavis' bunk to proceed with Hot Nooky.
Matt and Andrew decided to finish watching Planet of the Apes.
Aaron was admiring himself in the mirror as the new Sir Aaron of the Land of Severe Rockin Out.
Dan got lonely and fell asleep with visions of sugarplums dancing through his head.
It was a very, very long day.

~*~*~THE END~*~*~


No one was harmed in the making of this Reel Dumb Story Except for Tracy but she's still alive so don't stress it. If you, or anyone you know is showing signs of moving on to Egotropolis, get them help. It's never too late to help a friend in need. Any events portrayed in this tale are highly coincidental. Nothing like this would ever happen in reel life. Except maybe the pixie stuff. We don't know if the RBF actually act like this in person but it's just to make the story more appealing to our screwed up little minds.


All shite written by: Tara (awsomest)

If you pick up your phone, please don't call on me.