* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"So then all the people that were there were calling the cops assholes and stuff. It was the funniest thing." Tavis and Tara were chillin in the RBF Magic Tour Bus suckin on beers and just....well chillin.
"Sounds like you guys have a lot of fun together." said Tara.
"Yeah, I guess we do." said Tavis and he smiled looking out the window to see a brick wall. "Wow," he began, "I mean, what a view."
Tara peeked out the window. "What makes this a view?" she chuckled.
"You." He answered. No, wait. Stop the show. Maybe that scene was from the garage part in that cool movie Excess Baggage. No, it had to be this story. Anyway, it really doesn't matter cuz before they new it, the happy little couple was half nekkid (not naked, nekkid. that's how we do things around here. You don't like it, leave.) making out in Tavis' cramped little bunk. ROCK THE FUGG ON!
They didn't notice the door open (or the shadowy figure video taping them). Footsteps. Still they go unaware. "A-HA!!!" shouted Scott as he pulled the little bunk curtain back to reveal the two lovas. Scott had his arm around Kiley who was trying to repress her laughter as she gave Tara the 'thumbs up' sign.
"Shit." Sighed Tara.
"God, dammit man!!!" began Tavis. "Why you always be wastin my flava? (woah! Can't Hardly Wait moment!) I try to show a chick a nice evening..." he went on but the three took no notice.
"Shit, where the hell is my top?" asked Tara searching around Tavis' feet.
The door opened. "Hey, guys! Can I get in the mix?"asked Aaron walking in, followed by Matt. He walked over to see the topless couple. "What the hell is going on over here?" he shouted.
"Hot Nooky!" replied Scott. Everyone laughed. Tavis mumbled. The shadowy figure tripped on an empty beer bottle.
"Hey, anyone lose a girly shirt?" chimed in Dan from the door waving Tara's shirt in the air.
"That would be me." Inquired Tara.
Tavis mumbled. The shadowy figure jumped into another shadow before anyone took notice. Tara struggled to get her shirt on. (those damn armholes always throw her off) "Shit," she murmured. Tavis pulled the shirt over her head and they proceeded to cuddle. How sweet right?
"Hey, does anyone notice anything odd about anything?" asked Dan. "I mean, like the presence of sompin evil. Not just evil, but EEEE-VIL." he said.
Everyone looked around. Tara checked Tavis' teeth and shrugged. "Everything seems to be in order." Said Aaron taking a slug of beer. Then Tara and Tavis closed the curtain to proceed with Hot Nooky. Kiley and Scott took the idea and they proceeded with Hot Nooky. Aaron felt left out and went to go pee. Then, the shadowy figure beat up Dan and dragged him outside.
Andrew poked his head into the bus. "You guys, we gotta do press shit. Ok?"
Everyone stopped what they were doing. Tavis pecked Tara on the cheek as he tried to get his glasses straight. Scott let Kiley rub his sideburns as she giggled insanely and the boys left.
Kiley and Tara took out two NAYAS (plug! cha-chingeroo!) and began gossiping about how awesome their new boyfriends were and how they smelled really nice. They didn't even need sex mints during Hot Nooky! (A special drug that's only found in the Land Of Severe Rocking Out drug store) As they gossiped they didn't notice the weird things going on outside the Magic RBF Tour Bus. Dan was getting beat up and shit by a shadowy figure.
Tavis poked in his little round face. "Hey, you chicks want Subway?"
Kiley and Tara shrugged and left the bus.
* * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * ** * ** ** ** * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
After everyone was well fed (and well shit-faced) they stumbled back to the Magic Tour Bus. All except Dan. But no one noticed, really. Their senses weren't at their best.
Tavis and Tara walked hand in hand as Tavis explained the schedule for the next couple of.....well....for the uhm...future. "So, here's what we'll do. We're heading to LA next week to a killer premiere party. We'll send you plane tickets to surprise you and then you chicks come up and we party." Tavis explained.
"Sounds good to me." Smiled Tara. "But I'll miss you till then," she added in a sickening voice that people in love make. They moved in for a kiss when...
"Shame, shame you two!!!" yelled Scott, his arm slung around Kiley.
Tavis sighed. "Fuck you, Scott!" he shouted and then guided Tara to the Magic Tour bus for some Hot Nooky.
"She always goes for the dorks." Said Kiley shaking her head.
"I think it's you that goes for the dorks." Replied Scott. "Cuz they even wrote a song about my dorkiness." They both laughed and Scott led her to a secluded area.
"Shit" slurred Aaron, "What about us?" he asked Matt.
Dan appeared. "I'll eat your balls if you want me to." He said, as he would normally say in a situation like this. But it didn't seem to be the right Dan everyone knows and loves. He seemed EEEE-VIL.
Aaron sensed the weird vibe so he declined on the offer.
"You guys are seriously wasted." Said Andrew. And then he passed out.
* * * * * ** * * * ** ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The sky was blue and all the leaves were green the next morning. The sun seemed to have the warmth of a baked potato. Everyone was asleep in the Magic Tour Bus. Tara stirred, rolled over, and clunked heads with Tavis. He still had his glasses on which made Tara smile. She peeked through the curtain to see if there was any excisting life outside the bunk.
Aaron was passed out by Dan (who seemed to be sleeping quite EEEE-VILY) Scott and Kiley were slumped over eachother in Scott's bunk. There was an open package of Sex Mints on the floor. (Kiley and Tara's own invention) Matt was asleep with a teddy bear and a half eatin' sandwich and Andrew was asleep in his bunk. Or was he passed out?
Tara stared at Dan for a while and began to get a spooky feeling about him. She shivered and put her head on Tavis' chest. When she looked up Dan was still asleep but still freaking her out. She gently shook Tavis. "Wake up." she whispered. No reaction. "Dammit. Tavis get up now." She shook him more profusely. Still no reaction. She slapped him.
"Shit! Aaron! I swear to God, you do that one more time and I swear I'll kick your fruity ass!!!!" screamed Tavis. He opened his eyes. "Oh, you," he smiled, "Silly me. I uh...thought you were someone else."
"Tavis can we please leave? Dan is freaking me out." She pleaded.
"What? God, you're wierd. OK ok. Just let me find my hat and we'll go or something." He mumbled.
Tara glanced back at Dan. She shivered again and nagged at Tavis to hurry up.
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"So we're just gonna finish up some shows and you'll come up in about a week? Cool?" Tavis explained the plan for the next week. "I'll call you....I swear."
"You better. Here, I got you some sugarless cotton candy for the trip." Said Tara, remembering Tavis' diabetes. She pulled a huge bag of the blue stuff out of her trusty Butterfly/PornStar bag.
"You rock." Tavis put his hat on her head. "I love ya, always have," he said in what seemed to be a Scottish accent.
Tara laughed and they sucked face and he got on the Magic Tour Bus. Meanwhile, Scott and Kiley were saying their good-byes as well.
"So, uh..." began Scott, "I guess no more Hot Nooky for a week, huh?"
Kiley smiled devilishly. "Well, just as long as you think of me whenever you have a wedgie, I think we'll live." She winked. They both laughed. Everyone else just looked at each other not wanting to know what sick inside joke they had this time.
"Bye, Tara." Said Dan.
Tara just forced a smile back and shivered. There was something spooky about Dan.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * *** * * ** * *
"We're gonna DIE!" screamed Tara and Kiley, trying not to crack a smile or laugh. They were on the plane to LA to meet up with their boys and they had been busting chops the whole time. "Help us! We're gonna CRASH!" they screamed, delighted they were frightening the passengers.
The plane landed and the two Princesses pushed and shoved and half ran half skipped to meet their boys at the gate. They saw Scott and Tavis and tackled them with hugs and kisses. Tara was having a good vibe and getting somewhat anxious when she noticed something weird about Tavis.
Did he have a go-tea? Where are his glasses? Come to think of it, he very much resembled....you guessed it.....DAN?!?!
"Um, Tavis," she said nervously, "are you sure you're Tavis and not Dan?"
Tavis-looking-Dan smiled somewhat EEE-VILy. "Sure, babe. I'm Tavis."
Tara smiled. "Of course you are. Silly me!" she laughed. But she felt uneasy around him.
Well, kids, what Tara didn't know was that Tavis-looking-Dan wasn't Tavis at all! It was EVIL TAVIS!!!! DUM DUM DUM!
:::::::::::::::CUE EVIL MUSIC:::::::::::::::
The girls got into the Magic Tour Bus and were handed a beer. "Tara! Baby!" yelled Reel Tavis, his arms outstretched for a hug.
"Hey, Dan." Said Tara.
"Tara! Not you too! It's me, Tavis! Your boyfriend!" squealed Reel Tavis.
"Dude!" said Aaron, "You're not Tavis. For the last time. You're DAN! THAT'S Tavis!" he continued pointing to Evil Tavis.
"You guys have been saying that since we left the Land of Severe Rockin Out! I'm Tavis, God DAMMIT!" he screamed.
"You're wasted, man." Said Aaron. "Here, hit this," he said handing him a beer. Reel Tavis accepted the beverage and sulked in the corner as he watched Tara and Evil Tavis cuddle and woo on the way home.
Later, at the premiere party for the (hopefully to be) box office smash South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut everyone was partying and enjoying themselves. All except Reel Tavis who sat in another corner nursing a beer as he helplessly watched Evil Tavis and Tara have a good time.
It was around 3:30am and everybody was well into the shitfaced stage when Scott offered Evil Tavis another beer.
"No thanks. I've had enough." was Evil Tavis' reply.
The music stopped.
Scott puked from the surprise.
Matt said, "Gross Klopfenstien! Aw, look! You got it on my pants!"
After Scott fully composed himself there was a circle formed around Evil Tavis. "Dude, since when do you have had 'enough'?" asked Aaron.
Sensing the tension Evil Tavis began to sputter. "I-I-I just don't want anymore is all!" he argued.
Tara pulled herself away from him. "Is this true?" she asked.
This was when Reel Tavis thought it be in his best interest to jump in and save the day. "This isn't Tavis at all! This guy is EVIL TAVIS! The Reel Tavis-which I AM- never has enough to drink! You all know that! This guy is a fake! FUCK! He doesn't even look like me!" Reel Tavis wailed.
Tara got really confused at this point. Her eyes darted back and forth to Reel Tavis, then to Evil Tavis, and back to Reel Tavis again and so on and so forth. When she realized her mistake. She ran over to hug Reel Tavis and pleaded with him to forgive her and from then on to call her "Dumb Fuck." Tavis declined on the name calling but he did forgive her. They sucked face for a few minutes then everyone went, "Aww!"
"As for YOU!" said Reel Tavis, wiping his mouth, "It's a FELONY to impersonate rock stars like myself, dammit!"
"Wait wait wait!" Tara interrupted (which she was so inclined to do) wiping off her mouth, "If we know Aaron is Reel Aaron and Scott is Reel Scott and Tavis is Reel Tavis, and Andrew is Reel Andrew and Matt is Reel Matt then...who's Dan?"
"Um..might have been blowing a little smoke up you guys' ass there." said Evil Tavis. "I'm not Evil Tavis. I'm Evil Dan pretendin to be Evil Tavis."
"This is pretty fucked up right here." said Andrew.
"But it doesn't matter!" screamed Evil Tavis - er - Evil Dan, "Because as you all know, Tara was descended upon us from The Land of Severe Rockin Out as a Princess to keep peace. She holds the awsomest power, being high Princess and all."
"Shit, I've been Nookying with the Titstress of The Land Of Severe Rockin Out?" said a bewildered Tavis.
"Guess, I forgot to mention that." mumbled the little blue haired Princess.
"ANYHOO-" Evil Dan continued, "It's too late! I've already taken her awsomness away from her by way of Hot Nooky! You're all fools! MUAHAHAA!"
"Hot Nooky?" said Tara, "Dude, we never made Hot Nooky!"
"Yes, we did!" argued Evil Dan, "We even kissed!"
Everyone laughed their asses off at this point. Kiley (Who is a completely different princess all together from a totally different land which we will learn about some other time) and Tara high-fived and almost peed.
"What's so damn funny?" shrieked Evil Dan.
"Dude!" Scott began, "Didn't you ever have this kind of talk with your mom or dad? Geez man!"
"What? Are you saying that I have been misinformed about Hot Nooky?" said Evil Dan.
Tara walked up to him and whispered in his ear for a while. "Really?" he said as she whispered, "Is that so? I'm supposed to do THAT? Well, that's just something different all together!" he went on.
"So, now you know what we gotta do man," said Matt. "You're charged with Evily impersonating not one but TWO rock stars, attempted awsomness theft, and making a complete asshole out of yourself in the process!"
Aaron walked up to give Evil Dan the sentence. "Evil Dan impersonator Asshole, I hearby sentence you to a severe ass kicking and...."
Everyone held their breath. It couldn't be what they thought it would be. Not that. Anything but....
"IMPOTENCE!"
Everybody gasped.
Tavis might have cried.
Tara just tisked tisked.
Kiley yelled out, "Ah-Hah! FAG!"
"NO! NO, anything but that!" Evil Dan pleaded, but it was of no use. The sentence was made. Now the official beatdown would occur.
BAM! Tara shot him a blow to the face that caused the spitting up of blood. Aaron threw him down. Then Tavis came in and started singing "In The Pit" while shooting Tavis death beams of death out of his killer glasses. They made a noise like "BEEOOO BEEEOOOO!" They were just about to finish everything up when Tara threw herself in front of Evil Dan.
"What are you doing?" screamed Tavis.
"Dude! If he's too fucked up to talk, how will he tell us where he's hiding Reel Dan?" Tara protested.
"Always thinkin, babe." smiled Tavis. "So where is he mister Ass Face?"
Evil Dan coughed up some blood and some pea soup (uh-oh) and began to speak, "In...the..*cough-spit*...trom..bone..." he gasped.
"Thanks guy." said Scott, and they proceeded with the beat down.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The whole crew raced over to the Magic Tour Bus to rescue Reel Dan.
"Hold on, Dan 'ol buddy! I'll find ya!" screamed Aaron somewhat frantic. Finally after trashing the entire band's instrument cases, he came to Dan's trombone case. They had to bust it open on account that no one knew how to work the complicated locks.
They busted out the trombone to see poor Dan shoved in there. "You guys!" he yelped, "My balls are seriously cramped up in here!"
"How do we get you out?" asked Andrew.
"Play the first three notes of Join The Club, ok?" Dan squeaked.
"OK, who knows how to play the trombone?" asked Scott.
"I do!" chimed in Aaron.
"Yeah, but you suck! You haven't played on forever!" said Dan from the depths of the brass instrument.
"Oh, yeah. Sorry, Dan," said Aaron.
"Aw, crap." said Kiley. "What now?"
Suddenly, a flash of light! Could it be? Yes,! It was former trombone player Grant Barry! Fancy that!
"Need any help?" he said in a rather super-heroey deep voice.
"We need the first 3 notes of Join The Club," answered Aaron.
Grant, wasting no time, picked up the trombone and blasted the notes as hard as he could, sending Dan straight out the instrument, through the windshield of the Magic Tour Bus and onto a sidewalk. He crawled back a few minutes later, clutching his genitalia begging for some ice.
"Well, if that's all you need," said Grant, "then my work here is...wait!" he cut himself off. He picked up a beer. "Ok....ahem...Then my work here is done!" There was a flash of light and he was gone.
Everyone sat around the Magic Tour Bus to reflect upon the evens. "It was weird," said Tara thoughtfully, "I mean, it was all, Tavis is really Evil Tavis and Reel Tavis is Dan. But Then Evil Tavis is Evil Dan and Reel Tavis who we thought was Dan is Tavis again. Then Dan's in a trombone, and then Grant shows up!" she babbled.
There was a silence and then everyone nodded in agreement. "A toast!" said Scott, lifting up his beer, "To Grant! To impotence on Evil Impersonators! To cool shoes! To cotton candy! And to....um...HOT NOOKY!"
"Hot Nooky!" said everyone.
"Speaking of Hot Nooky," said Tavis smirking at Tara, "Shall we?"
"Fuck yeah, we shall!" Tara squeaked, and they disappeared into the bunk of Tavis.
Kiley eyed Scott. "To Hot Nooky." she said, and chugged her beer. Beer chugging chicks is a weak point for Scott so they were the next to leave for the bunks.
Andrew passed out.
Matt said, "This is dumb. I'm gonna play with my tattoos."
Then it was just Dan and Aaron. "Hot Nooky, eh?" said Aaron.
"Sorry, man. No, one's eating my balls tonight." sighed Dan and went to go lay down.
~*~*~THE END~*~*~
Get you ass back in the ring, biznatch.